All In, All New

The temptaion is strong to go back and wipe out all of my previous posts. That life is gone and a new life has begun. I no longer live in the past (most of the time) and I can't live in the future as that technology does not yet exist. So I am keeping my feet as firmly in the present as I possibly can. When I started "I just want to be happy" I had visions of a blog much like my friend Jetta's weight loss blog- something that would keep me accountable to do the work and make changes in my life. I did none of those things- it quickly became a place to write about my feelings, moan and complain about the troubles I face and dare I say, make passive aggressive statements towards people who hurt me. Sheesh! My life is new now. I still "want to be happy" but I am no longer searching for happiness, I am creating it. Maybe that is not even true....I am recognizing blessings in my life and being thankful to God for them, I am learning and all in all I am happier...thats a good start. I used to think I was "unlucky" "cursed" "unloved". Now I see myself as "blessed" and "persued". I am happy that I have a new life focus and that I have a new shot at transformation in my life. HFH

Tough year

This has been a really tough year. I have made some difficult choices I have been right on some and wrong on others. Too bad you can't turn back time. I would do nearly everything differently. I hope this pain subsides someday.

Fear and Loathing on Colby

I am so frustrated. This is one of the most difficult times in my life and I feel like everything is working against me.

Home: gone

Boyfriend: don't even ask

best friend: dying

I am so beyond unhappy and I feel so alone.

I can't believe this is happening again.

Momma Update

I have not updated in forever. Momma is doing ok right now. Since I last posted, she has gone through 2 rounds of chemotherapy. She quit halfway through the 2nd one- which I understand. I need to make my way out to her but I have some obligations I must fulfill at the moment, so I will keep working on that.

The cancer is in her bones and growing, but not rapidly- quickly but not wildly. The majority of her pain comes from her torn rotator cuff and the chemo.

Prognosis is 6-12 months. If you know my mom it would mean the world to her to receive cards and prayers. Message me for her address.

Thanks for all the concern, love and support. Please be patient with me and don't read too deeply into my status' on fb- this is a hard time for me and sometimes I blow off steam where I should not.

Hearts are supposed to ache, right?

Oh mommy. I love you. I miss you. I wish I was with you everyday, I wish you didn't have to go soon. I wish you didn't have to go through this.

Poppa- you left too soon. I don't want to do this without you. If only there was a way to have you back, even just for a min. just so I don't have to do this alone.

Kaya- thank you for not dying- get a job.

Man- never go away. please leave me alone forever.Ummm I don't know, which I want.

I need to rest- sleep- just get some freaking sleep.

Love

Love makes no sense.

I am my own worst enemy when it comes to my heart.

Twice this week I have done something that is going to leave me broken.

Here I sit wanting to do it again.

Will I ever learn?

Strength

I am so pleased at my amazing strength. I was sort of unaware that I had it in me. This has been a rough couple of months- finding out my mom is terminally ill and then losing a relationship that I had hoped was going to go the distance.

I am proud of myself because I have handled things with strength and dignity.

I flew my butt out to Alabama and took very good care of my mom. I handled whatever was needed of me, I comforted her and spent time with her. I did all of this in the face of being ignored completely by someone I very much cared for. I did this for her and it was good.

She is doing better and taking her treatments well. I plan to see her in April.

Yesterday, the ex wanted to "vent" to me about a problem he is having with the woman he left me for....really? I am a big hearted person and I reached out to him and was supportive of him. Only to be ignored as soon as he got it all off his chest.

How would it ever seem OK (to him or myself) to want support from the girl whose heart is broken about the girl he decided was a better option? I thought it was OK I guess because I wanted some link to him, why he thought it was OK, I will never know.

I don't have to do that. I can love people in a million different ways and I can support people in the way I desire. However, I do not have to drag the pain out. I do not have to let the selfishness of others hurt me. It does not make me less of a loving person to protect myself.

I have learned a valuable lesson in moving forward and letting go.

I can honestly say that right now in my life I am happier being single than I have been recently in relationships. I am thrilled with the things my friends and I do together. I am thrilled at my strength. I am happy to just be alone and on my own. It is good.

As much as I love anyone and want to help anyone- I have to love me the most. I do, I am worth it and it is OK for me to be the most important person right now.

Yesterday hurt but I learned something from it.

H