All In, All New

The temptaion is strong to go back and wipe out all of my previous posts. That life is gone and a new life has begun. I no longer live in the past (most of the time) and I can't live in the future as that technology does not yet exist. So I am keeping my feet as firmly in the present as I possibly can. When I started "I just want to be happy" I had visions of a blog much like my friend Jetta's weight loss blog- something that would keep me accountable to do the work and make changes in my life. I did none of those things- it quickly became a place to write about my feelings, moan and complain about the troubles I face and dare I say, make passive aggressive statements towards people who hurt me. Sheesh! My life is new now. I still "want to be happy" but I am no longer searching for happiness, I am creating it. Maybe that is not even true....I am recognizing blessings in my life and being thankful to God for them, I am learning and all in all I am happier...thats a good start. I used to think I was "unlucky" "cursed" "unloved". Now I see myself as "blessed" and "persued". I am happy that I have a new life focus and that I have a new shot at transformation in my life. HFH

Tough year

This has been a really tough year. I have made some difficult choices I have been right on some and wrong on others. Too bad you can't turn back time. I would do nearly everything differently. I hope this pain subsides someday.

Fear and Loathing on Colby

I am so frustrated. This is one of the most difficult times in my life and I feel like everything is working against me.

Home: gone

Boyfriend: don't even ask

best friend: dying

I am so beyond unhappy and I feel so alone.

I can't believe this is happening again.

Momma Update

I have not updated in forever. Momma is doing ok right now. Since I last posted, she has gone through 2 rounds of chemotherapy. She quit halfway through the 2nd one- which I understand. I need to make my way out to her but I have some obligations I must fulfill at the moment, so I will keep working on that.

The cancer is in her bones and growing, but not rapidly- quickly but not wildly. The majority of her pain comes from her torn rotator cuff and the chemo.

Prognosis is 6-12 months. If you know my mom it would mean the world to her to receive cards and prayers. Message me for her address.

Thanks for all the concern, love and support. Please be patient with me and don't read too deeply into my status' on fb- this is a hard time for me and sometimes I blow off steam where I should not.

Hearts are supposed to ache, right?

Oh mommy. I love you. I miss you. I wish I was with you everyday, I wish you didn't have to go soon. I wish you didn't have to go through this.

Poppa- you left too soon. I don't want to do this without you. If only there was a way to have you back, even just for a min. just so I don't have to do this alone.

Kaya- thank you for not dying- get a job.

Man- never go away. please leave me alone forever.Ummm I don't know, which I want.

I need to rest- sleep- just get some freaking sleep.

Love

Love makes no sense.

I am my own worst enemy when it comes to my heart.

Twice this week I have done something that is going to leave me broken.

Here I sit wanting to do it again.

Will I ever learn?

Strength

I am so pleased at my amazing strength. I was sort of unaware that I had it in me. This has been a rough couple of months- finding out my mom is terminally ill and then losing a relationship that I had hoped was going to go the distance.

I am proud of myself because I have handled things with strength and dignity.

I flew my butt out to Alabama and took very good care of my mom. I handled whatever was needed of me, I comforted her and spent time with her. I did all of this in the face of being ignored completely by someone I very much cared for. I did this for her and it was good.

She is doing better and taking her treatments well. I plan to see her in April.

Yesterday, the ex wanted to "vent" to me about a problem he is having with the woman he left me for....really? I am a big hearted person and I reached out to him and was supportive of him. Only to be ignored as soon as he got it all off his chest.

How would it ever seem OK (to him or myself) to want support from the girl whose heart is broken about the girl he decided was a better option? I thought it was OK I guess because I wanted some link to him, why he thought it was OK, I will never know.

I don't have to do that. I can love people in a million different ways and I can support people in the way I desire. However, I do not have to drag the pain out. I do not have to let the selfishness of others hurt me. It does not make me less of a loving person to protect myself.

I have learned a valuable lesson in moving forward and letting go.

I can honestly say that right now in my life I am happier being single than I have been recently in relationships. I am thrilled with the things my friends and I do together. I am thrilled at my strength. I am happy to just be alone and on my own. It is good.

As much as I love anyone and want to help anyone- I have to love me the most. I do, I am worth it and it is OK for me to be the most important person right now.

Yesterday hurt but I learned something from it.

H

Embrace

I am embracing my life.

I got a little caught up. Thought I wanted something that not only didnt want me or really even know me but something I didnt really even want or know.

I want to embrace my quirky self without fear or concern.

I want to listen to my funky music and wear my funky clothes.

I want to educate kids and care for my mom.

I want to travel around the block, around the state, areound the country, around the world.

I want to have children and teach them to love and travel and explore and be kind and grow.

I want to find someone who thinks I am as awesome as I think I am and will allow me to think they are awesome too.

I want to spend my time in funky shops and bookstores and cafes.

I want to talk about nothing and everything and find an opportunity to laugh at least once a day hard enough to make my abs sore.

I am embracing all of this and I will seek it out and I will make it reality.

Update #6

We went to see the surgeon today to have mom's staples removed and get the pathology results. The cancer is actually breast cancer that has spread to her colon. She had breast cancer in 1988 and 1994. 16 years later it spread to her colon and is going to kill her. That is so heartbreaking.

I have decided to go home for a while. I really don't want to, but my mom says she would like me to go home because she wants me to be able to work so we are not in a financial bind. She says she would prefer for me to come back when she gets sicker. Of course, I want to be with her when she is well. I am torn, but I booked my ticket back home on Saturday.

When I get home, I am going to get my bills paid, and talk to my landlords about staying on a month to month without a lease for the time being. I am going to watch my pennies and save to come back at a moments notice and talk to the district about what my options are for taking leave. I need to get this all figured out, but I guess for now it is best to come home. (beautiful doubt)

I am beside myself about the whole situation. I am unsure what to do and I hate leaving, but I guess it is the best course of action for right now. She goes to the oncologist on Thursday and maybe I can get a better picture of things then. Ugh.

I never know when I am making the right decisions and honestly I make the wrong ones all too often in life.

I am really not sure how this is going to change my life when I get home. I know I will never be the same and I am not sure how that will translate in the day to day. I don't have a lot of faith in the things surrounding me right now and I hate standing on this unstable ground.

Strength in isolation?

Not for me. I cannot stand that I am left standing here with my heart in my hands. I don't want much just a little concern for what I am going through by a person I have given so much to and care about so much. We all have our own haunts to deal with, but we cannot shut out others. How can you shut out someone you once labeled your "number one supporter" when their life is also falling apart? You are in pain, I understand that, as am I. All I want is one freaking phone call from you.
Today is a scary day. We go to the Dr. this morning to find out the prognosis for my mom and I have to decide if I will return to Washington or remain in Alabama.

At least I now understand that I have nothing to return home to other than my job so maybe that will make my decision that much easier.

I am trying to be understanding of your plight, but since we don't talk I don't know what is going on with you and all I can see is that I am left here to deal with my own trauma alone. This is not going to work for me. This is the only time I will really ever need you. If you can't be here for me now, that doesn't bode well for any kind of future.

I give up!

Christmas

Ah Christmas, one of the most wonderful and heartwrenching times of the year.

My dad got sick in November, I recall the first, sad, sad Christmas after his diagnosis. Now this year, mom's diagnosis left us feeling just as fearful and empty as we were 11 years ago.
I guess sometimes there really is a silver lining. I have spent the last 3 weeks giving back to my mother some of what she has given me. What better way to thank someone. I am always wanting the love I give to be given back to me and I've had that opportunity, to give back, this past month. I will continue to give- all that I have.

During this time I have had an amazing time bonding with my niece. I have always adored Christrina. She is unique, smart, funny, beautiful. This trip, however I got to see another side of her. She is a young woman of amazing character and sensitivity. She is mature beyond her years and she has made this whole situation much better for me.

We had a wonderful Christmas, Christi and I spent days preparing. We cooked, cleaned, wrapped and made gifts, it was beyond fulfilling. My mother actually squeeled with delight over some of her gifts. The house is spotless and we are all happy and full. We (Christi, Trina, and I) ate dinner together (Chris was napping due to the flu and mom had to eat in bed) then we ended our night playing Train. I love Trina, this was the first time in many years we just chilled together. My brother was great and cleaned and put in home movies. I love you both.

I have a great family. I am so blessed. We are all nuts, and we stick together, that is really important. With a blended family that is so difficult, but I feel as though I have two wonderful families. I am sad about the circumstances. I am sad I have not done more to make every Christmas like this, not just in light of a tragedy. I want to build a wonderful family of my own, just like mom did.

What a wonbderful and heartwrenching Christmas. I am glad I got to be a part of it.

RMC- Alexander City Alabama

Russell Medical Center

This corporation took my mother's life. If they had notified my mom or her doctor of the tumors that they SAW and REPORTED on the Radiology taken last December, she would have had a good chance of living. They took her life.

I am so angry today.

Update

I tried to do an update but ended up saving it in drafts. Lets just say last week was really bad for mom. By Thursday I was sure we were going to lose her. As I sit here writing this post she is puttering all around the kitchen, she just gave me a sly look when I called her out on turning my coffee off and she is in great spirits. It has been a long time since I have seen her as happy as she was last night when Dr. Cassidy told her she could go home. Before I could even get her bags packed she was playing cupid and eating a sandwich. She slept like a baby last night and it is just so good to have her home. My cousin is coming over to hang out with her so I can go run some errands, but truthfully, mom is doing so well and is so strong, she could likely stay by herself for a bit today.

I am so happy.

update #4

The sitter we lined up for momma is not going to work out. She does not have enough availability. How on earth am I going to leave her here in the care of strangers? How am I going to be able to leave her at all not knowing how long she has to live? I have to work though. The doctor confirmed today that we are dealing with stage 4 cancer. He has not told her yet, he is concerned that she won't be able to handle the news and will just give up. I think she knows though, she is a smart woman and she has been taking care of patients for 40 years-she knows. She was depressed and weepy this morning. She didn't show that to me though, sheltering me to the end I suppose. That is what mommas do, protect their children. Now must try to find some people I can trust to take care of her when I cannot. I have no idea what is best at this time- I hope the answers will come to me. I feel so inadequate. I just want her to be as comfortable and happy as she can be and I want to be with her as much as I can- and then some.


I just left mom all settled at the nursing home. She is in great spirits and seems to be in less pain- this is good especially since they have cut off her pain meds. She will be home in no time- I better get to cleaning and Christmasing....

HFH

Update #3

Rumor has it mom may be discharged from the hospital tomorrow. I hope she is ready. Uncle Mike and I went and toured 2 nursing homes for her to go to for a couple of weeks. Let me tell you, they were both awful! One was worse than the other though so we are able to get her a private room in the lesser of the 2 evils.

She is talking about doing chemo- that is a good thing and a bad thing. It is good because it could possibly extend her life a couple of years. Could- no guarantees. It is bad because Chemo is hell and we all know it. There is really no good outcome here.

Mom talked to me a lot tonight about her will and instructions for burial, etc. It was AWFUL. I just am beside myself right now. Uncle Mike has to go back to North Carolina in the morning. I am concerned about him leaving. I don't know how I am going to manage without him. This is just so difficult and really WAY to difficult for me to handle on my own.

I am so lost and alone. I don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do.

One foot in front of the other I guess.

HFH

Update #2

Well, mom was moved out of the ICU today and given solid foods. She will be released from the hospital by Wednesday. From there she will be going to a rehab center (nursing home) until she is strong enough to move herself into and out of bed and until the pain from the surgery has subsided. She was super cranky and extra cantankerous-if you know mom, you know that means she is on the mend. The grumpier she gets, the sooner she will get herself healed up and home.

The most frustrating thing is that a year ago she went to the ER with severe stomach pain. At the ER, she was given a CAT scan and the Doctor told her it was "negative". Well, I suppose it WAS negative for whatever he was looking for, but the surgeon says the scan shows OBVIOUS thickening of the lining of the colon- an early indicator of the type of cancer she has. So instead of dealing now with advanced stage colon cancer, we could have been dealing with something much easier to treat. I don't know what that would have done in terms of her prognosis, but it is devastating to think that it could have been easier on her, that it could have been treated more effectively, that we could have more time with her. She wants to get a lawyer and I understand her anger. I just cannot believe that this was missed...I am beside myself right now with this news.

I am doing ok today. I am feeling fairly optimistic about her situation. I still feel like my timing is all wrong. I am unable to do anything to help her and she won't even be here for at least a week, maybe more. Now the sick leave I took will not be available if I need to come back. I guess I need to stop letting it drive me crazy. I had no idea what I was coming into. I am so frustrated and not quite sure how to make it bother me less. I would have been beside myself with worry, but the main thing is that she get what she needs- I hope I can do it.

I just got off the phone with Ryan, he reminded me that me being out here is not about what I can DO for my mom, that my mere presence is what is needed. Thanks Ryan, I really needed to hear that <3.

UGH!

What am I doing here? I am completely second guessing myself right now. Mom is in the ICU and asleep most of the time. She simply does not need me here right now. I should have waited to come down. I had to take about a week and a half off of work and she may need that time when I can be more useful than just sitting here waiting for her to be released from the hospital. I am feeling so depressed and useless today. I really hate dealing with myself in these situations. I am just so unsure all the time. I do know that me sitting here is doing nothing. Maybe I will go sit at the hospital, but yesterday she asked me to leave so she could sleep. I don't want to disturb her and my Uncle is there already, I don't want to overwhelm her. UGH I should have stayed home until the 17th.

Sexist?

I would not say that I am sexist. However, I do know that I follow some "gender rules" for sure. Being down here a few days I can see why- like how the surgeon would make eye contact with Uncle Mike, not me. Now, I am not down here playing the weeping, distraught daughter card. I am calm and in control and getting things done. However, this man would not make eye contact at first. Now after about a half an hour of talking he started to realize that I have some intellect- that I was asking the right questions, not twirling my hair, and comprehending most of what he said without the use of a medical dictionary.

All that said, I am glad Uncle Mike is here because he can simply do some things I am incapable of- he is pragmatic and that is what a need a little pragmatism to get me through. He got all the stuff to the VA (Vetran's Affairs) office and he is finding out about social services and lists of care givers, etc. Also, he can fix this broken cabinet, broken cold water spigot in the kitchen, and do something about getting these leaves blown for me. I am sure I could have gotten these things taken gare of, after all, I know where "Handy man" falls in the alphabetic sequence and know how to dial a phone, but I will admit- I found a screwdriver and thought "see she has all the tools we need".

Thank God for Uncle Mike!

Update #1

Well, everyone wants to be updated and I simply cannot keep up with all the phone calls and texts. Plus we can't use our phone in the ICU so I have decided to update here as much as possible. If you do not know what I am talking about and need to be contacted in person, please do not read on- call me. I think all the family is finally in the loop now though. I hope this does not seem too impersonal, but after all it is 2010 so information distribution is a little different these days.

On Monday, mom went in for a colonoscopy and they found a mass. On Wednesday, she went in to have it removed. At this time we do not have the official pathology report but we are certain that she has colon cancer. It is likely that it has been there for at least a year- she got very sick last year and this time and got an abnormal CT. She was unaware that the CT was abnormal- we are not sure what happened there- malpractice? denial? hopefully we will get some answers once she is feeling up to it. The cancer is stage 3 or 4 and incurable. However, if she concedes to treatment, she could have years still. Without treatment, the prognosis at this point is unknown.

The most important thing right now is to get her walking and moving and out of the ICU. If she does not follow doctor's orders, she is actually in more danger right now from the surgery than from the cancer itself. So far, she is complaining, but doing what they tell her. We hope she will be home in time for Christmas.

Beyond that, she is reflecting upon dad's experience with cancer treatment, her previous bouts of treatment for breast cancer and her time as a hospice nurse and is stating that she will not do treatment. We will see if she continues to feel this way in the upcoming weeks. This is really not the time to be discussing treatment, right now all we want is for her to heal up and get out of the ICU.

As for me, I am here at mom's house with my Uncle Mike. He is helping me take care of some things, process the information, and just generally keeping me company. My niece Christrina is also here and we are helping one another cope. We visit mom- but our visits are rather short as she is in and out of sleep and needs a lot of rest at this time. I am being strong. I am not sure where this strength came from, the only thing I can think is that I am in shock. We are cleaning house, planning Christmas and otherwise just keeping our minds occupied.

I will post more as I know more. If you are trying to get a hold of me and can't please understand that I don't have access to my phone all day and that I am pretty beat at night. I appreciate the support of my friends, family and colleagues. Thank you all so much for the love and concern.

If you would like to contact mom the address here is:

76 Turtle Ln
Dadeville, AL
36853


HFH

Dear Momma

I am glad I'm here momma. Even in the hospital so sick, you still look stunning. I hope I can do my best for you. I am glad I came out, the look in your eyes when you realized I was standing there was worth everything.

I feel really lost and scared. I won't show you that, but I am a little paralyzed from time to time. Thank you for being a strong woman and teaching me to be the same. You have taught me a lot. Please don't worry about anything but getting better and coming home. I love you momma.

Love,

Heather Fay