Enlightened

In recent weeks, I have become very enlightened to reasons why I an not happy. Given that my goal is to be happy, I have been working very hard to identify areas that I need to change in order to improve my happiness. I have taken some big steps in that direction. I have begun attending church, I have taken the summer off (this was a happy accident), and I have decided to persue my personal goals in terms of my health and hving a family in the future.

Last night, I was hurt pretty badly by someone I care a great deal for. It was beyond disappointing. I feel like I have been there and done a lot to support this person and then was basically told I was ruining their search for clarity. After all this time, love, energy, and resources that hurt a lot.

I have come to the realization that I spend too much time trying to help others in order to avoid having to help myself. I am not going to do that any longer. I am going to mind my own business and take care of myself. If my friends need help, they can ask me for it and of course I will be an active participant in my community service work. As for everything and everyone else, I am done. Who wants my help anyway? I am the only one who really needs it or wants it.

I am very sad that the words I heard last night put a sadness over a relationship that I cared about and nurtured so deeply. However, I deserve it because I shouldn't be looking to another for happiness anyway or tryingto help where my opinion is "not helpful". What was said was unnecessary but that is not my problem to deal with. I am a good friend and a caring person, I will just try to be more careful about how I love in the future.

Torn

I am so torn between what I want and well....what I want. I have made the decision that I want to pursue a family of my own. The problem is, my love, he does not want the same thing. This has changed everything. Just a few weeks ago we were basking in the glory of our love and friendship. Now we are sad all the time. Clinging to one another with love in the hopes that we will find some way to survive this.

The truth is, we will not. This is just too big to overcome.

I will not be happy unless I give it my best to have children. So what to do now? Neither of us wants this to be over. Our relationship has been so wonderful, we have made each other very happy. The truth is it is over. :( This is sad and heartbreaking.

This leads to the question: Now what? I have no idea how to proceed from here.
I know what I need to do. Well, I know part of what I need to do. I need to focus on myself and identify my true desires in life. I need to nurture and take care of myself. I need to get to know myself and set priorities for my life. I need to deepen my relationship with God. I need to lose weight (30 lbs to go) and I need to take care of my health. I need to get myself financially healthy.

I do not however, know what to do about our relationship. I have so much fear of losing my best friend. I fear for him and what he will do with his life, where will he go, and will he be safe emotionally. We can't even discuss the next step at this point. All I can do is cry when I think of it. There is so much about him I will miss. I hate feeling unsettled like this and I am just at a loss as to what to do.

I pray for the right answers, but I know what has to be done and am just to sad and afraid to do anything about it. I am truly stuck here and wish I knew what to do next.

H

Decisions

I have never been one for making decisions. I can never make a choice. Looking back upon my life all I can see is a series of really bad choices. I have made some good choices too, but the bad ones have been REALLY bad. So here I am faced with a horrible choice. Do I pursue what is completely unknown and take the steps I need to make having a family a possibility? In order to do this, I have to end my relationship. I love my boyfriend so much. He is such a kind and gentle soul. He is such a fun, funny, and adventurous person. H makes me so happy. It seems so unfair that I have fallen in love with such a wonderful person only to have to contemplate giving him up to chase a dream that may or may not ever come true. On top of that I have to consider the sacrifices and rewards of something that may or may not ever happen for me, something I know nothing about- to have children. What does this say about me and my convictions? What does this say about me and my love when I even have to think about it in order to decide? Shouldn't this decision be a no brainer in one way or another? One thing I do know is that I have to do something to stop waking up depressed every day. I have to do something to put an end to the stress and worry and tears that assault me every day making it impossible to do my job, impossible to enjoy the loving and joyful moments in each day. Someone told me to choose happiness. That is all fine and good, but here is what I know. I am with a man who brings me joy and happiness everyday and I love our life together. I also know that I have always wanted to have children. I don't however know if I can have children. I don't know if I would be a good mom. I don't know if I have the strength of character and emotion to be a mom. I of course, can't be a mom on my own. That much I know about myself. However, how could I leave a man I love in order to find a person to have the family I long for with? How can I leave someone who I have so much love in my heart for and be with someone else? It seems like a farce. Why have I chosen so many paths in my life that make these decisions necessary in the first place. I am not 24, I am 34 and time just is not on my side any more. I made choices that have left my life in turmoil. Now I have something good in my life- how can I possibly walk away from that? I can't. None of this is fair to him. That burdens me so much. I never want to hurt him, he has always been so good to me and he has always been upfront with me. I feel like a jerk. I am so lost and so sad and I just don't know what to do. Here I am longing for a more simplistic life yet am wrestling with the idea of making my simple life so much more complicated.
For today I will focus on work and prayer. I just need to focus on what is at hand in the present so I don't screw up what little stability I actually have. This is just way too much for me. It is not a decision anyone can help me with. I know I have my friends who will love and support me either way. Even Curtis has told me that no matter what decision I make, he is behind me 100% and that even if we part, he will still be my friend and that he doesn't want to stand in the way of my dreams. Oh how I wish it could be him. Everyone comes into your life for a reason and a season, I am not ready for our season to be up. I never want our time to end. I am so overwhelmed.

Love- Warning: Sappy but honest

Love for me has always been an easy and powerful emotion. I do not know why I was created this way, but it is a natural gift I have always possessed. The ability to love freely and fiercely. Some people have been repelled by it, others drawn to it. It has brought me pain and joy, troubles and triumph. As we all have, I have suffered many hurts in life, but my ability to love had never been decreased. I have loved people who it makes no sense for me to love, but love is what I do. My heart holds many types of love for many different people. Some who I know intimately and deeply some who barely passed into and out of my life. Love is the core of who I am.
I love a person deeply- drawn to him immediately. Not love at first sight- not Hollywood love. When I discovered that I loved him it was so apparent that I really didn't care if we were ever meant to be in a romantic situation- okay not entirely true- I wanted him to be my love, be my man. However, I decided right away that even if I was never to receive romantic love from him I wanted him in my life, no matter what. In the time that I have loved him it has been many different kinds of love. A tapestry woven of many shades, colors, and textures. For all of the love I have given and experienced in my life- this love is different.Not better or worse, but its own. I am not saying this is my fairy tale ending and I am riding off into the sunset. I am not saying we rival Romeo and Juliet or any character that may come to mind when you think of love between two people. This is something real and complex.

I don't know what the future holds. I think people are too determined to make everything permanent. Nothing is permanent- why we as people, and myself specifically, fight so hard against the temporary, I don't comprehend. Everything is temporary just to varying degrees.

This love has changed who I am and how I view life in general. Regardless of what happens in life- this love has touched me and changed me. I am glad for that. Glad I took risks to develop this love. I am grateful I have received this love in return.

I have no regret in this. No matter what happens, your love has made a difference for me and you will always be forever on my heart. Thanks for opening yourself up to me. Thank you for returning my love. As the saying goes, to the world you may be one person, but to this one person you truly mean the world. <3

What I want

I know I have not updated my blog in a while. I feel kind of weird about it. I am so up and down all the time I just don't know what to write. I am writing today because if I don't I am pretty sure my head and heart is going to explode.

I had coffee with my brother yesterday. We had a very interesting talk about happiness and life and how life is short and you have to make your happiness before it is too late.

Here is part of the problem for me. I have this dream, this desire, this calling almost. It is one thing in life I want so bad, the most important thing. I want a family of my own. I want to be a mom. It eats at me every day. I have not been in a relationship in which being a mom is a possibility. I am glad I have not had a child for that fact. However, I am 34 years old. That is pretty old in terms of beginning a family. I have good reason to believe that conceiving a child is going to be a challenge for me- if not an out right impossibility. I am open to all options. I would love to have a biological child with the man I love. I would adopt a child. I would even do it on my own with the support of my family and friends if I truly evaluated myself to be capable of giving a child a wonderful life in that manner. I want this. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I can't have children because maybe I wouldn't be a good mom. Also, it is not just a child I want, but a family. A mom and a dad working together to enjoy life and raise another human being in order to give them an opportunity at a good life. I'd like to not work for a few years and give my child the best upbringing I can. These dreams seem impossibly out of reach to me and I can't think of what I need to do to make this dream a reality.

My heart is so broken over this. I can't write this without crying and I actually would like to go home and be alone because this emotional pain is simply unbearable today. Why has my life turned out this way? Am I being punished? I know I have made so many mistakes, but this is just too much hurting. I have no idea what I am going to do.

Shrinking

Indeed- I am shrinking- in more ways than one. For starters, I have lost 25 lbs since the 1st of January. I plan to make that an even 40 by the end of the school year. I have gotten rid of at least 1/4 (prob more) of my personal belongings. I hope to have that down by even more by the time we move. It feels good- it feels very good. The theme of this blog is "I just want to be happy" I don't know how I could have ever thought I could be happy with all that physical and emotional weight surrounding me both on my body and in my house. This has been a very eye opening experience. I don't know if it was "cleansing" but it as certainly clarifying. I cannot believe that I ever tried to "get better" or "get over it" or "move on from my past" without cleaning out this house. I had to dispose of a lot of memories and items that held memories and/ or emotions. It as good, but I have a lot of guilt I am lugging around with me. My physical environment has been cleaned up, but my emotional environment is trashed. I need to figure out how to work with the feelings of guilt, sadness, and desperation left behind the wounds in my heart. It is true what they say- that letting go of the "stuff" doesn't take away the memories. Now I must focus on cleaning up that mess- i am not sure where to begin, but I do feel like I am at the perfect place to start- man I wish I was meeting with Julianna today....

Waxing and waning

I can feel my motivation beginning to slip. Yes, I have lost the first fun 20 lbs and that is great, but the second 20 seems to be just out of my reach. I am a little less disciplined in both my eating and exercise and I can see why I had no results last week. However, I can't seem to snap myself out of it. I am feeling frustrated and discouraged. It is not just my weight loss that seems to be stalling, it is my life. I am overwhelmed by work, overwhelmed by my home environment, overwhelmed by the great burden of finances, and frustrations with where my life has led me. I have been a basket case for a couple of weeks. I am unsure how to deal with it all. I am getting back to the gym tonight. I am going to be very careful with my eating today. I am slowly letting go of material possessions that are weighting me down. I am hoping that Curtis will make some decisions that will take some of the burden of keeping the household going off of my shoulders. Here is what I feel I need in order to get some peace.

Time and motivation to clear out my possessions and get rid of everything I don't use or need.

To at healthier, to exercise at least 30 min every day, and to sleep 7 hours each night.

Curtis to make a decision for the future move on it while helping with the everyday house stuff.

Time to myself to be myself and just focus on being kind to myself and listening to myself.

I need some peace. badly