Trepidation

Part of all of this "love myself", "take responsibility for myself", etc. that I am committed to putting into my life makes me face some pretty hard truths.

Today I am afraid. Ah, fear...my favorite wasted emotion. I take fear to bed with me like a security blanket. I have been married to fear for so long that all the relationship needs at this point is some lye. However, I hate to be stagnant so I learned something today- The only thing I have fear is myself.

So I thought about this logically....unfortunately trying to live life without myself is an impossibility so back to the drawing board. If I can't be afraid of you or him or it and I seriously realize that I only have me to fear....

Now I have settled myself down a bit, and I truly am trying to look at this logically. I only have myself to fear, but WHO is in control of me? I know this seem s like an obvious answer, especially to someone with a minor in psych who spends 9 months of the year trying to teach 100 kids to take responsibility for themselves. However, it is not easy.

I don't want to take responsibility for me! I am broken- I didn't break me, did I?

Yeah.

I did. I broke it and now I have to fix it. Sure, I come from a long line of really lovely broken people- but they didn't break me. Yeah, I spent four years in hell sleeping with the Devil- he didn't break me.

Hmmm....actually, I didn't break me either. In fact I am not broken- this is just a lie I have been gnawing on as long as I can remember. You see, being "broken" is just another way to avoid responsibility for yourself.

Ok, I think really blame IS what is needed in this situation. Today, I blame Pandora....all this alternative music is making me EMO- I need to wash off the black eyeliner and change the station....

I'm fine- nothing like a rambling blog rant to make me step back and laugh in the face of my own insecurities.

I'm not scared.

I am not broken.

I don't even care what happens.

I'm going to keep my emotions on my sleeve and not worry about explaining them or fearing them.

It is too beautiful to go to work and I am too introspective to remain cooped up in this house. I think I will go seek some adventure today.....

All about me

I need to write today- I have written in my journal twice or so. Its not cutting it so here I am.

I am a hot mess right now, but really in a good way. My big deal with life is that I just wanna be happy. So I'm trying new things- sort of, I am thinking differently and that is good.

As I read back on these old blog posts, I am a little appalled at the obvious need to love him, her, and them in order to express my feelings and love towards life. What do those pro-nouns really have to do with me? Don't get me wrong- I am loving and it does define me, but what I am looking for is the I love Me. I talk a good game, but it has only been recently that I have attempted to put the "I love me" into practice. It feels strange. It feels self-serving and rather negative, but the results are positive.

Right now I have a million things on my mind: school, my pro cert, my messy house, a man, my friends, my family, my spirituality, my intellect, my emotions. I am suprised to wake up each morning and find my head has not actually exploded. And I wonder why I am so anxious all the time...

I am no longer chasing happiness though. That is the best thing to come out of this summer. I am creating happiness- in moments. I find joy in my own akwardness- isnt that strange? I bought a couple of new pairs of jeans and got a high from doing something for myself that made me look and feel great. I am taking risks that may or may not be good for me, but finding great joy in the anticipation of the outcomes.I am chosing what to want and what to dismiss. I am creating happiness with my interpretation of moments and events. I am on a serious power trip- control over myself.

I feel alive. Some of this is due to the people I surround myself with, some is due to me. Thats different. I like it.

I am alone today and it feels so good. Sure I should be cleaning or shopping or reading or maybe having coffee with a friend, but I have just been having a staring contest with my thoughts since I got out of bed and I am winning- that too is a powerful feeling. To just sit with myself and Pandora, and be cool with the stuff that is living within me right now.

I am getting to know myself through reflection, listening to what people are feeding me, and watching how others respond to me. I love it. My confidence is high right now- taking care of me and my emotions is an aphrodisiac.

So maybe it is not really "All about me" maybe I am not completely capable of that sort of committment and focus. However, I have grown in leaps and bounds in this area. Now I can enjoy my own company without criticism, fear, and self-depreciation.

I DO NOT want to go back to work, but this summer has been a great period of growth for me and I have no intention of going back to the way life was.

For today, I am happy.

Lies I tell myself

I don't want you in my head.

Don't lurk in my thoughts and mind.

I dont want to wait for your contact.

Don't make me long for you.

I don't want you in my heart.

I have a gate all around my being- I have seen you picking the lock.

Why do you want in? What is here that makes you wonder and want to dig for more?

People get inside and they move things around, they break stuff you treasure, they

criticize things that make you who you are.

I want to be hard.

Callous and protected.

I want these rules that keep me safe- even if they rob me of opportunities.

This is a lie- not a word of it is truth.

It is too late anyway.

Alone- a poem of sorts

I am alone-ish
Though surounded by family and friends
parts of me are very alone

I am alone-ish
sometimes lonely but they are not the same thing
interchangable sometimes hard to seperate

I am alone
who else can see through these eyes of mine
who else could translate these thougts

I am alone
quiet, peaceful, relaxed
loud, churning, tense

I am lonely-ish
not really, just nervous
not lonely, just not accustomed

I am lonely-ish
when I think of you
sometimes, on occasion

I am lonely
for a moment
for an hour or a day

I am lonely
it is fleeting
it does not define me

I am independent-ish
free to be me
getting to know me

I am independent-ish
on a path
walking and navigating my soul

I am independent
healthy, full, in charge
sick, empty, lost

I am independent
an opportunity I have been seeking
all this time- unaware

I am all these things, with a smile upon my face, with fear in my heart, and courage in my actions.

I am alone

Lessons Learned

I trust people so easily. I am frequently disappointed. I have got to stop taking people for thier word and take them for what their actions show me. I can't believe that people can get angry with you when they let you down. I did everything in my power to be helpful and this is what I get in return? Anger and ignoring? I hope that I will not be disappointed further, but I will not hold my breath. I will not be helping anyone again any time soon.

Some things I have learned

I have learned a lot lately. I have learned the following: (this is the short list)

...you can create any possiblity you want in your life through action
...you can love someone enough to let them go because it is best for them
...forgiveness is the ultimate challenge with the highest payoff
...someone can love me enough to let me go because it is best for me
...action is really the only thing that matters
...friends and family are the greatest, even if you sometimes want to rip their heads off
...I am of value, both to myself and others
...I can take responsibility for my actions and it really is not as painful as it sounds
...I am loved, immensely
...I can love others regardless of anything
...I AM happy, even if I am not always pleased with what happens, I really am happy
...no matter how much I love Heidi and Ang, coffee at 11pm is a BAD idea
...I will be able to take care of myself
...not being with you doesn't have to mean I have to stop loving you
...everything's going to be alright (Bob Marley taught me that one)

hopefulsadfearfulexcitedlovedawareenviousexhausted

These are just a few of the emotions I am currently feeling. I am pretty sure this is why I can't sleep tonight.

Hopeful- I really am hopeful. I am hopeful that new opportunities are headed my way. I am hopeful that my love will find a great new life and will be happy.

Sad-I am sad because a really sweet chapter of my life is coming to an end, somoene whom I have grown accustomed to having by my side is about to leave. At least we have good feelings towards one another and I think we can still have a good friendship (this is hopeful not sad).

Fearful- I am fearful because my life is FULL of unnknowns at this point. Unknowns kind of freak me out, but in the reflection of my life that I have been doing recently, there have been a lot of periods of unknowns that have turned out just fine.

Excited- I am excited for the very same reason I am fearful.

Loved- I am so totally loved- no doubt about it. I have the best family and friends I could ever hope for. Certain love in my life is in a transitional stage right now. Usually when you go through difficult times, you find out who loves you and who does not. During this difficult time, ALL I can feel is love- I am surrounded by just this huge out pouring of love from all directions, even some directions that I didn't know existed. How kind. Curtis is leaving, but as he leaves, he is giving me even more people to love on me, simply because he is so loved himself (what a guy! ;) )

Aware- wow this is a biggie- I am seeing things differently than I ever have. I am just so much more open to things right now. I am not going to lie and say that everything I am becoming aware of is roses, but awareness in itself is a gift. I will be able to make better decisions as I focus on what is real vs. what is fantasy. I predict this whole awareness thing is going to just keep getting bigger and bigger and bigger as time marches on.

Envious- ok, ok I will admit it. I am jealous that Curtis is going to Texas, not just because the ladies of Texas just got a new hottie in thier dating pool, but because the way he describes it, it is paradise. If I see one more overcast day I am bound to go postal.....I am keeping my heart and mind open, who knows maybe some place with better weather and new opportunities will present itself to me. Don't worry, I do not intend on following Curtis to Texas or moving to Alabama, but I am keeping my mind open to whatever comes up.

Exhausted- this has been an emotional past few days- actually it has been an emotional past few weeks. Maybe now that I got this all out in a blog, I will feel a little better and be able to get some sleep.