Update #2

Well, mom was moved out of the ICU today and given solid foods. She will be released from the hospital by Wednesday. From there she will be going to a rehab center (nursing home) until she is strong enough to move herself into and out of bed and until the pain from the surgery has subsided. She was super cranky and extra cantankerous-if you know mom, you know that means she is on the mend. The grumpier she gets, the sooner she will get herself healed up and home.

The most frustrating thing is that a year ago she went to the ER with severe stomach pain. At the ER, she was given a CAT scan and the Doctor told her it was "negative". Well, I suppose it WAS negative for whatever he was looking for, but the surgeon says the scan shows OBVIOUS thickening of the lining of the colon- an early indicator of the type of cancer she has. So instead of dealing now with advanced stage colon cancer, we could have been dealing with something much easier to treat. I don't know what that would have done in terms of her prognosis, but it is devastating to think that it could have been easier on her, that it could have been treated more effectively, that we could have more time with her. She wants to get a lawyer and I understand her anger. I just cannot believe that this was missed...I am beside myself right now with this news.

I am doing ok today. I am feeling fairly optimistic about her situation. I still feel like my timing is all wrong. I am unable to do anything to help her and she won't even be here for at least a week, maybe more. Now the sick leave I took will not be available if I need to come back. I guess I need to stop letting it drive me crazy. I had no idea what I was coming into. I am so frustrated and not quite sure how to make it bother me less. I would have been beside myself with worry, but the main thing is that she get what she needs- I hope I can do it.

I just got off the phone with Ryan, he reminded me that me being out here is not about what I can DO for my mom, that my mere presence is what is needed. Thanks Ryan, I really needed to hear that <3.

UGH!

What am I doing here? I am completely second guessing myself right now. Mom is in the ICU and asleep most of the time. She simply does not need me here right now. I should have waited to come down. I had to take about a week and a half off of work and she may need that time when I can be more useful than just sitting here waiting for her to be released from the hospital. I am feeling so depressed and useless today. I really hate dealing with myself in these situations. I am just so unsure all the time. I do know that me sitting here is doing nothing. Maybe I will go sit at the hospital, but yesterday she asked me to leave so she could sleep. I don't want to disturb her and my Uncle is there already, I don't want to overwhelm her. UGH I should have stayed home until the 17th.

Sexist?

I would not say that I am sexist. However, I do know that I follow some "gender rules" for sure. Being down here a few days I can see why- like how the surgeon would make eye contact with Uncle Mike, not me. Now, I am not down here playing the weeping, distraught daughter card. I am calm and in control and getting things done. However, this man would not make eye contact at first. Now after about a half an hour of talking he started to realize that I have some intellect- that I was asking the right questions, not twirling my hair, and comprehending most of what he said without the use of a medical dictionary.

All that said, I am glad Uncle Mike is here because he can simply do some things I am incapable of- he is pragmatic and that is what a need a little pragmatism to get me through. He got all the stuff to the VA (Vetran's Affairs) office and he is finding out about social services and lists of care givers, etc. Also, he can fix this broken cabinet, broken cold water spigot in the kitchen, and do something about getting these leaves blown for me. I am sure I could have gotten these things taken gare of, after all, I know where "Handy man" falls in the alphabetic sequence and know how to dial a phone, but I will admit- I found a screwdriver and thought "see she has all the tools we need".

Thank God for Uncle Mike!

Update #1

Well, everyone wants to be updated and I simply cannot keep up with all the phone calls and texts. Plus we can't use our phone in the ICU so I have decided to update here as much as possible. If you do not know what I am talking about and need to be contacted in person, please do not read on- call me. I think all the family is finally in the loop now though. I hope this does not seem too impersonal, but after all it is 2010 so information distribution is a little different these days.

On Monday, mom went in for a colonoscopy and they found a mass. On Wednesday, she went in to have it removed. At this time we do not have the official pathology report but we are certain that she has colon cancer. It is likely that it has been there for at least a year- she got very sick last year and this time and got an abnormal CT. She was unaware that the CT was abnormal- we are not sure what happened there- malpractice? denial? hopefully we will get some answers once she is feeling up to it. The cancer is stage 3 or 4 and incurable. However, if she concedes to treatment, she could have years still. Without treatment, the prognosis at this point is unknown.

The most important thing right now is to get her walking and moving and out of the ICU. If she does not follow doctor's orders, she is actually in more danger right now from the surgery than from the cancer itself. So far, she is complaining, but doing what they tell her. We hope she will be home in time for Christmas.

Beyond that, she is reflecting upon dad's experience with cancer treatment, her previous bouts of treatment for breast cancer and her time as a hospice nurse and is stating that she will not do treatment. We will see if she continues to feel this way in the upcoming weeks. This is really not the time to be discussing treatment, right now all we want is for her to heal up and get out of the ICU.

As for me, I am here at mom's house with my Uncle Mike. He is helping me take care of some things, process the information, and just generally keeping me company. My niece Christrina is also here and we are helping one another cope. We visit mom- but our visits are rather short as she is in and out of sleep and needs a lot of rest at this time. I am being strong. I am not sure where this strength came from, the only thing I can think is that I am in shock. We are cleaning house, planning Christmas and otherwise just keeping our minds occupied.

I will post more as I know more. If you are trying to get a hold of me and can't please understand that I don't have access to my phone all day and that I am pretty beat at night. I appreciate the support of my friends, family and colleagues. Thank you all so much for the love and concern.

If you would like to contact mom the address here is:

76 Turtle Ln
Dadeville, AL
36853


HFH

Dear Momma

I am glad I'm here momma. Even in the hospital so sick, you still look stunning. I hope I can do my best for you. I am glad I came out, the look in your eyes when you realized I was standing there was worth everything.

I feel really lost and scared. I won't show you that, but I am a little paralyzed from time to time. Thank you for being a strong woman and teaching me to be the same. You have taught me a lot. Please don't worry about anything but getting better and coming home. I love you momma.

Love,

Heather Fay

Overthinking at its best

We all have to be good at something. I am an award winning over thinker. I can literally sit here and think until I am as exhausted as I would be after a marathon. I have so much to do, but am mired in my own mental muck. I have things I want to do, but would gladly choose a nap over pursuing any of these things. I am tired of the pursuit. I am weakened from the thoughts assaulting my heart and mind. I know that if I got something done, I would feel better, but motivation is elusive today. I think I may just go lay my head down...just for a little while.

Beautiful

I am grateful for the snow.

There is something about being alone, with the lights off and the snow falling silently outside. It is good to be alone with your thoughts, concerns and hopes when the whole world seems to be quiet with you.

Outside it looks like diamonds- Inside I feel like diamonds.

I have been doing a lot of contemplating lately. Remembering moments from my history marveling at how different I have become. I don't know if I would stamp myself "Improved" but I am most certainly different. I feel, think and behave differently.

I'm ready for new things. I have let go of anchors that have held me so tight for so long. It feels good.

It is a bit frightening at times- to go peacefully. I have always run on fear. I still hold loads of fears and insecurities. However, they do not run me. I have other things that fuel me now.

I heard or read something some time ago. It could have been weeks or months, I don't recall. Something that said I should do what I believe to be right.

Regardless of what others may think or how they may judge, I should just do what I feel is right.

I have been practicing that- it is awkward, foreign- wonderful. I may feel uneasy for a moment, but each day, when I see myself either in physical or mental reflection I feel good about me and what I stand for.

I spoke with Nicole Lawrence today, and old friend from Kansas City, we had a nice little reunion. It reminded me of an incident that happened many years ago. It is not a moment I am proud of, but I was lost- somehow. I am not sure what transpired to make that change, but I don't miss that girl- not at all.

Tonight I long for the quiet; to let the snow fall outside and imagine that the whole world is quiet with me.

My life is good. I feel beautiful- in a variety of ways. Tonight that is all I really need.