Goals

Well now I have suprised even myself. At this point in my journey, I expected to have lost 3-5 lbs. I have lost 10.8. I have lost 5% of my body weight. I am shocked and so very pleased. I have worked hard, but it has been fun rather than unbearable. I have had a really busy day and would really like to go lay down on the couch and go to sleep right now....fortunately Patti is waiting for me at the gym for some belly dance so I will get my exercise in today then I am coming home to CRASH OUT!

The song of my life....

Gotta give some background on this one. The first time I heard this song, it was the Smashing Pumpkins version. It immediately resonated with me and made me think of my poppy. This was BEFORE I discovered the wonders of Fleetwood Mac. When I heard Stevie Nicks belt it out and discovered she had written it for HER daddy- well, wow that is pretty amazing. Those who know me well would not likely be surprised that I can find a connection between myself and Stevie Nicks. This song meant so much to me. When my dad got sick and later succumbed to his illness (Brain cancer) the song became all that more important. I wouldn't call it my favorite song....who can name a favorite song!?! But it truly is a song of my life.

I miss my daddy. That is a key to this whole "Getting Happy" quest. I have to deal with his death. I have to say goodbye to him and cherish the lessons and memories he left with me. Ten years later, I am still in denial. I just miss him and every day I don't know how I will survive the challenges I face. However, I do. I do because I have a lot of people who love and support me. I do because my parents gave me skills to cope. The lessons of my childhood and my own determination make me who I am today.

Please take a moment to listen to these lyrics or google the song. This is how I feel about my dad. I don't know that it will translate out loud the way it does in my head, but if you want to know why I am on this journey, this outta help. I am thankful I had him- what a lucky girl.

Lyrics to Landslide by Stevie Nicks


(This is for you, Daddy.)

I took my love and I took it down
I climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
'Til the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Mmm Mmm... I don't know... Mmm Mmm... Mmm Mmm...

Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too

So...

(Guitar solo)

I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I, I´ve built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too...
I'm getting older too...

So, take this love, take it down
Oh if you climb a mountain and you turn around
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring you down, down

And If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well maybe... The landslide will bring you down
Well well... the landslide will bring you down

Fear and Loathing

I have not written in awhile because I just don't know what to say. I have been filled with anxiety again lately- I guess I will never be rid of anxiety fully so I am just going to have to learn how to cope with it.
So what am I so worried about? Here they are but not in order of importance, just in an order.

Well, I am afraid this week I won't lose weight. The first few weeks are usually pretty easy and then things slow down a lot. I am ok with that as long as I lose about a pound per week. I would like to lose a minimum of 5 lbs each month. I have been doing fine, but I am freaking obesessed with it and that is starting to drive me crazy.

My home is driving me crazy- it is a wreck. I feel there is so much I need to "do" or "go through" or "clean". I feel the mess of my home as a constant pressure following me. I can't relax if it is not done and it is just to overwhelming to do it.

On Friday something happened in my relationship. I think for the most part it was somewhat of a misunderstanding. However, it was one of those things that make you see everything just a little differently. I am not quite sure how to deal with it. I mean we talked, made each other understand the other's point of view (sort of), made up and have moved on. However, it changed something a little. I am hoping that it will pass- this subtle change. I am not a fan of it. It makes me look at things from a different perspective, makes me anxious, and makes me hold myself in a little more. I don't want that for us. I want us to be open and be best friends like always. Changes scare the hell outta me.

I am anxious about work. There is so much paperwork to do I am struggling to keep up with the teaching. When the focus is on case managing and not teaching, I start to lose motivation. I am tired and it is hard to be creative and interesting when your brain is so tired from IEP's and communicating with parents and teachers. The kids are really struggling with motivation right now too and I wish I could be a positive model for being motivated- but I am on the verge of burnt out, so it is rough.

I am so ready for summer. I was thinking that this morning- to my dismay it is January, but it is the end of January with lots of exciting things going on, so it should be summer in no time. By the time school gets out I should have lost 25-30 lbs- so that will be very nice for summer.

Sigh, sometimes I wish my thoughts had a dial so I could decrease the anxiety and turn up the carefree Heather that I have seen a few times. I am so tired of worrying about everything.

Help

I need more help. I just don't know how to ask for or get the help I need. For starters, I need help with this dog. I know it is MY dog, but I never intended on being alone to take care of her while working full time and trying to keep up the house. I have always had a partner to help me with her. Now, I am basically on my own. My bf will help if I ask him to, but he hates it so the help usually comes a long with frustrated feelings from him which make me feel really bad. I am thinking of hiring a dog sitter or dog walker or something to take her out for me while I can't. She keeps going to the bathroom in the house because she has to hold it for so long. I am always running, running, running and I just can't give her enough on my own right now. I am totally crying as I write this because I love her so much. She is such a good dog and has been really really good to me, but I just can't take care of her alone anymore. It is breaking my heart.

I am so frustrated. I am working a lot and going to school and trying to improve my life and instead of feeling energized this morning I am sapped and upset. I just need more help and I don't know how to get the help I need. I already feel bad for asking for anything (this is just part of my personality) and I can feel frustrations and resentments building but I don't know how to do anything about it. This is just wearing me down.

Before Photos

No, you will not see them posted here- yet- maybe in 6-8-10 months. I still need to do my measurements, but the photos give me a pretty good idea of what I am working with. They are not pretty. They are me in my new yoga outfit. Front, side, back. I could totally worry about it, but I am not going to. I am going to go to yoga. I am going to keep putting one foot in front of another and get healthy. We walked 3 hours today. If I keep working, I will make it. I WILL NOT look like this forever. We are going to take a photo every month and I hope that near the end of summer or sometime in the fall, I will post some of them. Until now, they remain safely locked in my computer.

Challenges

I faced some challenges this weekend in terms of my weight loss goals. I went out with friends on Saturday and a family dinner tonight. On Sat I went a little overboard, but I still stayed well within my weekly points. Also, Curtis and I walked both days so I earned a lot of activity points. Last week I had 20 points left at the end of the week from working out. That is my goal for every week. I am right on track. Tonight I went to my niece's house to belatedly celebrate Christmas. We had potatoes, ham corn, and rolls. I was so good. I had a little bit of everything and I came home with points to spare for the day. Very well done. My next weigh in is in three days. I am very excited to see what kind of progress I made this week. I will remember that my goal is 1 pound per week. As long as I steadily lose one pound each week I will reach my goal and remain there. :)

H

You gotta have friends

I am so fortunate with the friends I have in my life. Today I would like to talk about one inspirational person in particular.

Heidi Clark- this is an amazing preson. If you don't know Heidi, you should ask me how you can get to know her, because my world, for one, is a better place because she is part of it. Heidi is hilarious, giving, adventurous, funny, inspirational, intelligent, I could go on and on...

I met Heidi because I was part of a relationship, which I am no longer a part of. Usually when you split up with someone friends choose sides and you either get to keep them or you lose them. Heidi is not like that. She successfully balances a relationship with both myself and my ex and I will forever be greatful to her for that.

Because of Heidi, I have met other people whom I consider to be absolute gems that I could not live with out; Jen, Jenni, Christina,Donnie, and Ginny. There are also many others- our Bunco group, all of our Partylite crew, etc. etc. This circle of women keep me grounded and I always look forward to spending time with them. Not because of the food, and the laugh,the companionship, and the adventures (though those things are important to me). The reason I love these women so much is because I can be myself with them. I can just relax, let go, and be me- no worries of criticism- they all make me feel as special to them as they are to me.

Another thing I love about Heidi is her giving spirit. Heidi and I are very much alike in this area- but with one huge difference- Heidi is on top of things, dedicated, and organized. Therefore she puts her brain into organizing events in which I can become involved and put my heart into. Thanks Heidi- your hard work is so appreciated.

Last night we went out to dinner with Heidi and Jason (her fiance & my ex's brother, who much like Heidi is able to balance one with the other, I really appreciate that Jason). I love these two. The 4 of us met Jen and played BINGO- random and so much fun!

My life is a better one because of the people I have around me and I want to tell every one of you I love you dearly and hope that I will be able to enhance your lives the way you have mine.