Disappointment

I find myself struggling with disappointment once again.

At work, I am giving my blood sweat and tears to my program. I work every day, every night, and every weekend. School gets the majority of my physical and mental energy each week as well as a great deal of my emotional energy. Everyday, there is a constant cacophony of bitching in my ear: students, parents, co-workers. I told my kids the other day that negative comments are like throwing a rock in a pond. It has a ripple effect and touches everyone around them. How am I supposed to teach them to stop whining and do something about it when many of the adults around here are blatantly modeling this bitching behavior? How am I supposed to squelch this constant negativity when I am not given the proper tools I need to do my job successfully. I have run into a road block nearly everyday since this school year started. I have mustered my way through, but I can feel the exhaustion gripping my mind, heart, and soul. How long will I be able to hold up under this level of demand?

My personal life is not much better. I have devoted a great deal of care and energy into a person who has a lot going on in their life. A person who needed the support and even expressed appreciation for it. However, it is a two way street. While my problems may not be as big as his, I am important too. I need support on occasion. I don't need much, just someone to talk to. I just need someone to listen to me- the way I listen to him. When I requested that, it was not possible. When he did try to listen, there was no way I could open up. Nothing like rejection to sink me deeper and deeper into myself. Texts and emails go ignored. I understand he is dealing with stuff, but I really could use a friend too.

I am at my desk- it is lunch and tears are just streaming down my face. Tears of exhaustion, frustration, and rejection. I really need some rest. I really need some TLC. I really need out of here. I have almost made it- just a little further.

A reflection

My heart is pretty heavy tonight. I ache for Richard and the McLaughin family.

I am disappointed for myself professionally after a serious oversight by only person with the power to get me what I and my students need to be successful.

I am proud about how I am conducting my life and myself at the moment....mostly.

However, I really need to focus on some things. This is what I have come up with.

I know that if I learn to be patient, everything I want will be at my fingertips.
I know that if I am diligent, everything I need to do will get accomplished.
I know that if I am quiet, knowledge will have room to grow.
I know that if I persevere, wisdom will be the result.
I know that if I can love myself and be my friend, I will never REALLY be lonely again.

I know I've gotta put in some work.

The inevitable

Well, I always knew it was inevitable.

Now that it is finally here, I certainly have mixed feelings about it.

One minute it is no big deal. I mean I knew it was coming, so I should not be surprised. It didn't take me too long to recognize, but admitting is taking its time.

The next minute it is sad. I mean so much fun and what now?

Part of me wants confirmation- not that I really need it. However, I get confused when I let myself think what I want to think. Without confirmation I am just dragging it out.

Don't get me wrong, I am going about my life. At night it is difficult because my little mind gets itself all wound up. I will be ok. It is not the end all be all. I kept myself on guard enough to see to that, but I am not going to lie, I hate to see it disappear more than I hoped I would.

Damn.

Breathe

Do you ever notice how you hold your breath in times of distress? Without a thought we do that all the time. I have been holding my breath a lot these past few months. I admitted the truth, faced a challenge, lost a connection, traveled into and away from myself, expanded my circle and spirit, let my guard down, started an new school year...and it still keeps coming.

Sometimes I realize I am holding my breath. When I don't breathe, I get anxious, irrational, stressed, depressed, angry and morose. When I stop and breathe, it doesn't take anything away, but like a lorazapam, it takes the edge off.

Tonight I am just stopping to look at the things I have done well, the accomplishments I have made, the joys I have had in the past 4 months. I know I have a lot to still face. I will once again prepare for battle- hold my breath- and fight a little each day. However, I can just take tonight to breathe. Stop and take a look around, smile at the good things that have come and move forward.

I have a very dear friend that I also hope is taking a breath, at least for tonight.

School is exceeding my expectations, I am exceeding my expectations. I have goals, I have friends, I have family. I am happy.

Love/ Hate

You can't have hate unless you care deeply about something.

Emotions are not black and white. They build upon one another and they possess the ability to be present in many forms and in many combinations.

I live with a heightened state of emotion. I'm not superior in any way, I just live on my emotions. My senses are off the hook. I live outside my skin and take everything in. I can't just feel something a little.

This can be good and bad, it can be very dangerous, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.

The Catcher in the Rye

I think it is an absolute travesty that I waited 34 years to read this book.

Maybe it was just the right time for me.

I am in love with this book.

I am in love with Holden Caulfield.

I am in love with JD Salinger.

I am in awe of the truths pressed between these pages.

Lonely

Here is some emotional tripe for you....

I am lonely. I am supposed to be "gettin in touch with myself when I am lonely" Well, I don't wanna get in touch with myself, or touch myself, or friggin sit here with all these ideas in my head and no one to share them with.

I don't want to go on some anxiety ridden first date with someone. I don't want to hang out with my girlfriends (sorry ladies). Don't get me wrong, first dates and typically the next week or so following one are amazing. I love that excitement and that high. My friends are the best friends in the world, but I don't want to sit and make idle chit chat with anyone tonight.

What I am lonely for is that other person just peacefully sharing your space. You know how you can just sit with someone and do your own thing, be quiet, but still have the companionship and maybe share a few laughs or bounce ideas and thoughts off of each other without effort and drama and emotion and fear? That is what I am wanting right now.

I don't want to have to text a thought and wait a half an hour for a response, or email someone, or IM, or whatever....I just want something solid and quiet- tonight.

This is not something I crave and miss everyday, but this is what is missing this evening. Sometimes I just want to go get to know someone new or hang out with the girls, or chit chat idly, or flirt relentlessly, but tonight I am missing the companionship.

I have been in a relationship since I was 22- so I just kind of miss it and most likely want it more because it is not an option right now. Why do I want this so much tonight? I don't want to go out, I don't want to be doted on or even really cuddled (ok cuddling and affection are always welcome, but not what I am needing at this moment), I just want to not be here alone with no on to talk to.

You know how this makes me feel? PATHETIC.

Supposedly I am to be spending this time getting comfortable with myself and sitting with uncomfortable emotions. LAME.

I don't need to get comfortable with myself- I am awesome. I am not perfect, but I am human and I am just fine and whole the way I am. I am not feeling insecure or ugly or stupid or whatever.

Supposedly this time is going to make me "ready" for when the "real" thing comes along. What a load of crap. The "real" thing is never going to come along because you make something real it does not just appear and be real. Even if it did, I am never going to be "ready" for it. That is stupid. People are just people. Relating to people is complicated, one is no more ready for that than they are ready for an audit, a baby, or death.

It is ignorant to think that I am preparing myself (or should be)for such a thing. I am not going to change. I am and others are just are who they are- no preparation needed. That is all just some BS you tell yourself to keep you from jumping in front of a train when you are lonely.

People need people- bottom line- some more so than others. I am off the scale when it comes to needing companionship. I hate being inside my own head because I am there 24/7. It is not that I don't LIKE me, it is just I am bored with my thoughts alone- I need some color, some new perspective. I just need a distraction.

Now, the fact that it needs to be an attractive male distraction, that could be a deep rooted issue, or maybe I am just a GIRL.

I think I am done with all the psychobabble bullshit about being in touch with and accepting of myself though. I know me. I love me. I just want some variety.

Anyway, what I am trying to say is....Im bored and I am lonely and I am fine, but all this thinking is a serious waste of time.