Strength

I am so pleased at my amazing strength. I was sort of unaware that I had it in me. This has been a rough couple of months- finding out my mom is terminally ill and then losing a relationship that I had hoped was going to go the distance.

I am proud of myself because I have handled things with strength and dignity.

I flew my butt out to Alabama and took very good care of my mom. I handled whatever was needed of me, I comforted her and spent time with her. I did all of this in the face of being ignored completely by someone I very much cared for. I did this for her and it was good.

She is doing better and taking her treatments well. I plan to see her in April.

Yesterday, the ex wanted to "vent" to me about a problem he is having with the woman he left me for....really? I am a big hearted person and I reached out to him and was supportive of him. Only to be ignored as soon as he got it all off his chest.

How would it ever seem OK (to him or myself) to want support from the girl whose heart is broken about the girl he decided was a better option? I thought it was OK I guess because I wanted some link to him, why he thought it was OK, I will never know.

I don't have to do that. I can love people in a million different ways and I can support people in the way I desire. However, I do not have to drag the pain out. I do not have to let the selfishness of others hurt me. It does not make me less of a loving person to protect myself.

I have learned a valuable lesson in moving forward and letting go.

I can honestly say that right now in my life I am happier being single than I have been recently in relationships. I am thrilled with the things my friends and I do together. I am thrilled at my strength. I am happy to just be alone and on my own. It is good.

As much as I love anyone and want to help anyone- I have to love me the most. I do, I am worth it and it is OK for me to be the most important person right now.

Yesterday hurt but I learned something from it.

H

Embrace

I am embracing my life.

I got a little caught up. Thought I wanted something that not only didnt want me or really even know me but something I didnt really even want or know.

I want to embrace my quirky self without fear or concern.

I want to listen to my funky music and wear my funky clothes.

I want to educate kids and care for my mom.

I want to travel around the block, around the state, areound the country, around the world.

I want to have children and teach them to love and travel and explore and be kind and grow.

I want to find someone who thinks I am as awesome as I think I am and will allow me to think they are awesome too.

I want to spend my time in funky shops and bookstores and cafes.

I want to talk about nothing and everything and find an opportunity to laugh at least once a day hard enough to make my abs sore.

I am embracing all of this and I will seek it out and I will make it reality.

Update #6

We went to see the surgeon today to have mom's staples removed and get the pathology results. The cancer is actually breast cancer that has spread to her colon. She had breast cancer in 1988 and 1994. 16 years later it spread to her colon and is going to kill her. That is so heartbreaking.

I have decided to go home for a while. I really don't want to, but my mom says she would like me to go home because she wants me to be able to work so we are not in a financial bind. She says she would prefer for me to come back when she gets sicker. Of course, I want to be with her when she is well. I am torn, but I booked my ticket back home on Saturday.

When I get home, I am going to get my bills paid, and talk to my landlords about staying on a month to month without a lease for the time being. I am going to watch my pennies and save to come back at a moments notice and talk to the district about what my options are for taking leave. I need to get this all figured out, but I guess for now it is best to come home. (beautiful doubt)

I am beside myself about the whole situation. I am unsure what to do and I hate leaving, but I guess it is the best course of action for right now. She goes to the oncologist on Thursday and maybe I can get a better picture of things then. Ugh.

I never know when I am making the right decisions and honestly I make the wrong ones all too often in life.

I am really not sure how this is going to change my life when I get home. I know I will never be the same and I am not sure how that will translate in the day to day. I don't have a lot of faith in the things surrounding me right now and I hate standing on this unstable ground.

Strength in isolation?

Not for me. I cannot stand that I am left standing here with my heart in my hands. I don't want much just a little concern for what I am going through by a person I have given so much to and care about so much. We all have our own haunts to deal with, but we cannot shut out others. How can you shut out someone you once labeled your "number one supporter" when their life is also falling apart? You are in pain, I understand that, as am I. All I want is one freaking phone call from you.
Today is a scary day. We go to the Dr. this morning to find out the prognosis for my mom and I have to decide if I will return to Washington or remain in Alabama.

At least I now understand that I have nothing to return home to other than my job so maybe that will make my decision that much easier.

I am trying to be understanding of your plight, but since we don't talk I don't know what is going on with you and all I can see is that I am left here to deal with my own trauma alone. This is not going to work for me. This is the only time I will really ever need you. If you can't be here for me now, that doesn't bode well for any kind of future.

I give up!

Christmas

Ah Christmas, one of the most wonderful and heartwrenching times of the year.

My dad got sick in November, I recall the first, sad, sad Christmas after his diagnosis. Now this year, mom's diagnosis left us feeling just as fearful and empty as we were 11 years ago.
I guess sometimes there really is a silver lining. I have spent the last 3 weeks giving back to my mother some of what she has given me. What better way to thank someone. I am always wanting the love I give to be given back to me and I've had that opportunity, to give back, this past month. I will continue to give- all that I have.

During this time I have had an amazing time bonding with my niece. I have always adored Christrina. She is unique, smart, funny, beautiful. This trip, however I got to see another side of her. She is a young woman of amazing character and sensitivity. She is mature beyond her years and she has made this whole situation much better for me.

We had a wonderful Christmas, Christi and I spent days preparing. We cooked, cleaned, wrapped and made gifts, it was beyond fulfilling. My mother actually squeeled with delight over some of her gifts. The house is spotless and we are all happy and full. We (Christi, Trina, and I) ate dinner together (Chris was napping due to the flu and mom had to eat in bed) then we ended our night playing Train. I love Trina, this was the first time in many years we just chilled together. My brother was great and cleaned and put in home movies. I love you both.

I have a great family. I am so blessed. We are all nuts, and we stick together, that is really important. With a blended family that is so difficult, but I feel as though I have two wonderful families. I am sad about the circumstances. I am sad I have not done more to make every Christmas like this, not just in light of a tragedy. I want to build a wonderful family of my own, just like mom did.

What a wonbderful and heartwrenching Christmas. I am glad I got to be a part of it.

RMC- Alexander City Alabama

Russell Medical Center

This corporation took my mother's life. If they had notified my mom or her doctor of the tumors that they SAW and REPORTED on the Radiology taken last December, she would have had a good chance of living. They took her life.

I am so angry today.

Update

I tried to do an update but ended up saving it in drafts. Lets just say last week was really bad for mom. By Thursday I was sure we were going to lose her. As I sit here writing this post she is puttering all around the kitchen, she just gave me a sly look when I called her out on turning my coffee off and she is in great spirits. It has been a long time since I have seen her as happy as she was last night when Dr. Cassidy told her she could go home. Before I could even get her bags packed she was playing cupid and eating a sandwich. She slept like a baby last night and it is just so good to have her home. My cousin is coming over to hang out with her so I can go run some errands, but truthfully, mom is doing so well and is so strong, she could likely stay by herself for a bit today.

I am so happy.