Momma Update

I have not updated in forever. Momma is doing ok right now. Since I last posted, she has gone through 2 rounds of chemotherapy. She quit halfway through the 2nd one- which I understand. I need to make my way out to her but I have some obligations I must fulfill at the moment, so I will keep working on that.

The cancer is in her bones and growing, but not rapidly- quickly but not wildly. The majority of her pain comes from her torn rotator cuff and the chemo.

Prognosis is 6-12 months. If you know my mom it would mean the world to her to receive cards and prayers. Message me for her address.

Thanks for all the concern, love and support. Please be patient with me and don't read too deeply into my status' on fb- this is a hard time for me and sometimes I blow off steam where I should not.

Hearts are supposed to ache, right?

Oh mommy. I love you. I miss you. I wish I was with you everyday, I wish you didn't have to go soon. I wish you didn't have to go through this.

Poppa- you left too soon. I don't want to do this without you. If only there was a way to have you back, even just for a min. just so I don't have to do this alone.

Kaya- thank you for not dying- get a job.

Man- never go away. please leave me alone forever.Ummm I don't know, which I want.

I need to rest- sleep- just get some freaking sleep.

Love

Love makes no sense.

I am my own worst enemy when it comes to my heart.

Twice this week I have done something that is going to leave me broken.

Here I sit wanting to do it again.

Will I ever learn?

Strength

I am so pleased at my amazing strength. I was sort of unaware that I had it in me. This has been a rough couple of months- finding out my mom is terminally ill and then losing a relationship that I had hoped was going to go the distance.

I am proud of myself because I have handled things with strength and dignity.

I flew my butt out to Alabama and took very good care of my mom. I handled whatever was needed of me, I comforted her and spent time with her. I did all of this in the face of being ignored completely by someone I very much cared for. I did this for her and it was good.

She is doing better and taking her treatments well. I plan to see her in April.

Yesterday, the ex wanted to "vent" to me about a problem he is having with the woman he left me for....really? I am a big hearted person and I reached out to him and was supportive of him. Only to be ignored as soon as he got it all off his chest.

How would it ever seem OK (to him or myself) to want support from the girl whose heart is broken about the girl he decided was a better option? I thought it was OK I guess because I wanted some link to him, why he thought it was OK, I will never know.

I don't have to do that. I can love people in a million different ways and I can support people in the way I desire. However, I do not have to drag the pain out. I do not have to let the selfishness of others hurt me. It does not make me less of a loving person to protect myself.

I have learned a valuable lesson in moving forward and letting go.

I can honestly say that right now in my life I am happier being single than I have been recently in relationships. I am thrilled with the things my friends and I do together. I am thrilled at my strength. I am happy to just be alone and on my own. It is good.

As much as I love anyone and want to help anyone- I have to love me the most. I do, I am worth it and it is OK for me to be the most important person right now.

Yesterday hurt but I learned something from it.

H

Embrace

I am embracing my life.

I got a little caught up. Thought I wanted something that not only didnt want me or really even know me but something I didnt really even want or know.

I want to embrace my quirky self without fear or concern.

I want to listen to my funky music and wear my funky clothes.

I want to educate kids and care for my mom.

I want to travel around the block, around the state, areound the country, around the world.

I want to have children and teach them to love and travel and explore and be kind and grow.

I want to find someone who thinks I am as awesome as I think I am and will allow me to think they are awesome too.

I want to spend my time in funky shops and bookstores and cafes.

I want to talk about nothing and everything and find an opportunity to laugh at least once a day hard enough to make my abs sore.

I am embracing all of this and I will seek it out and I will make it reality.

Update #6

We went to see the surgeon today to have mom's staples removed and get the pathology results. The cancer is actually breast cancer that has spread to her colon. She had breast cancer in 1988 and 1994. 16 years later it spread to her colon and is going to kill her. That is so heartbreaking.

I have decided to go home for a while. I really don't want to, but my mom says she would like me to go home because she wants me to be able to work so we are not in a financial bind. She says she would prefer for me to come back when she gets sicker. Of course, I want to be with her when she is well. I am torn, but I booked my ticket back home on Saturday.

When I get home, I am going to get my bills paid, and talk to my landlords about staying on a month to month without a lease for the time being. I am going to watch my pennies and save to come back at a moments notice and talk to the district about what my options are for taking leave. I need to get this all figured out, but I guess for now it is best to come home. (beautiful doubt)

I am beside myself about the whole situation. I am unsure what to do and I hate leaving, but I guess it is the best course of action for right now. She goes to the oncologist on Thursday and maybe I can get a better picture of things then. Ugh.

I never know when I am making the right decisions and honestly I make the wrong ones all too often in life.

I am really not sure how this is going to change my life when I get home. I know I will never be the same and I am not sure how that will translate in the day to day. I don't have a lot of faith in the things surrounding me right now and I hate standing on this unstable ground.

Strength in isolation?

Not for me. I cannot stand that I am left standing here with my heart in my hands. I don't want much just a little concern for what I am going through by a person I have given so much to and care about so much. We all have our own haunts to deal with, but we cannot shut out others. How can you shut out someone you once labeled your "number one supporter" when their life is also falling apart? You are in pain, I understand that, as am I. All I want is one freaking phone call from you.
Today is a scary day. We go to the Dr. this morning to find out the prognosis for my mom and I have to decide if I will return to Washington or remain in Alabama.

At least I now understand that I have nothing to return home to other than my job so maybe that will make my decision that much easier.

I am trying to be understanding of your plight, but since we don't talk I don't know what is going on with you and all I can see is that I am left here to deal with my own trauma alone. This is not going to work for me. This is the only time I will really ever need you. If you can't be here for me now, that doesn't bode well for any kind of future.

I give up!