Shrinking

Indeed- I am shrinking- in more ways than one. For starters, I have lost 25 lbs since the 1st of January. I plan to make that an even 40 by the end of the school year. I have gotten rid of at least 1/4 (prob more) of my personal belongings. I hope to have that down by even more by the time we move. It feels good- it feels very good. The theme of this blog is "I just want to be happy" I don't know how I could have ever thought I could be happy with all that physical and emotional weight surrounding me both on my body and in my house. This has been a very eye opening experience. I don't know if it was "cleansing" but it as certainly clarifying. I cannot believe that I ever tried to "get better" or "get over it" or "move on from my past" without cleaning out this house. I had to dispose of a lot of memories and items that held memories and/ or emotions. It as good, but I have a lot of guilt I am lugging around with me. My physical environment has been cleaned up, but my emotional environment is trashed. I need to figure out how to work with the feelings of guilt, sadness, and desperation left behind the wounds in my heart. It is true what they say- that letting go of the "stuff" doesn't take away the memories. Now I must focus on cleaning up that mess- i am not sure where to begin, but I do feel like I am at the perfect place to start- man I wish I was meeting with Julianna today....

Waxing and waning

I can feel my motivation beginning to slip. Yes, I have lost the first fun 20 lbs and that is great, but the second 20 seems to be just out of my reach. I am a little less disciplined in both my eating and exercise and I can see why I had no results last week. However, I can't seem to snap myself out of it. I am feeling frustrated and discouraged. It is not just my weight loss that seems to be stalling, it is my life. I am overwhelmed by work, overwhelmed by my home environment, overwhelmed by the great burden of finances, and frustrations with where my life has led me. I have been a basket case for a couple of weeks. I am unsure how to deal with it all. I am getting back to the gym tonight. I am going to be very careful with my eating today. I am slowly letting go of material possessions that are weighting me down. I am hoping that Curtis will make some decisions that will take some of the burden of keeping the household going off of my shoulders. Here is what I feel I need in order to get some peace.

Time and motivation to clear out my possessions and get rid of everything I don't use or need.

To at healthier, to exercise at least 30 min every day, and to sleep 7 hours each night.

Curtis to make a decision for the future move on it while helping with the everyday house stuff.

Time to myself to be myself and just focus on being kind to myself and listening to myself.

I need some peace. badly