Soldier....

Warning: Do not read this if you have clicked here to read some blithe commentary on my life and the inner workings of my mind. This is one of my pithy, self-absorbed entries....

I am annoyed with myself and the state of my life at the moment, what better way to deal than spouting my personal issues on the Internet? Well, I can think of many more productive things to do, but I can also think of worse things.

So I had a deep discussion with someone today- to protect my own privacy and sense of pride I won't say who, but I will say she is correct, but that doesn't make this any easier to swallow.

I have to change my modus operandi on life. I am in the boat I am currently in because of decisions I have made in my life. I am not super pleased that I now have to change how I operate because the old way is broken. I like the old way! I know how to do it! Yes, it has really bad long term return but the short term makes me happy. This new "plan", if you will, sucks!

I now have to behave in a way that is uncomfortable for me because I need some long term returns- if I ever hope to get the life I want.

Now, I know the "old" way is stupid and pathetic, but I am an instant gratification junkie and now I am staring down the barrel of an unknown, uncomfortable, frustrating experience. Yes, it will ultimately reap great reward (maybe, it seems the more I interfere the more likely I am to get into trouble), but getting there looks so unappealing.

I must soldier on. I have to do this. I have to make this happen for myself. Intellectually I am aware, emotionally I just would like to go to bed or throw up my hands and give up.

I really don't need this right now, but it is really the only thing I need.

Home Sweet Home

I loved this trip! It was near-perfect- some sun and heat would have been cool, but other than that it was great.

I learned a few things on this trip- one, I kick like a girl- no real surprise there and according to Nicolas, Yellow is my lucky number (!?!?). Also, my brothers can be cruel (Alan, this is mini- golf not croquet you jerk!) and most certainly unusual, but camping with my family is nothing like punishment.

We enjoyed my little anxiety attacks as a group, like when Kaya crossed over the barrier at Dry Falls (several hundred foot drop) or when we hiked up a cliff to enter the Lanore Caves- leave it to me to get left behind while picking flowers, some things just never change.

Nic and I had some solid bonding time- I paddled him all over the lake for an hour- when asked if he would rather ride the aqua cycle with his dad, he said "No, you!" Awww little man loves me.

I had the distinct pleasure of enjoying a rite if passage when I introduced Nicolas to Battleship. I am completely star struck by this little man especially when he looks up at me and says "Your eyes look like Aquamarine".Save that one dude, it just might work if you can maintain that youthful sincerity.

When I was chastising Alan for being a mini golf bully (the word despicable echoing across the near silent campground) Nicolas runs up to me and, with panic in his eyes, implores "You still love me though, right?" Of course I love you little darling. I may never have the opportunity to be a mom, but I am already one hell of an auntie.

I spent some good time with Michele, walking and playing games, but nothing beats her squeal when she gets a hole in 2 on the course, you are a quiet, spunky little thing Michele. You are such a great mom to both Nicolas and Alan....

And Alan...where do I begin- go ahead and blame me for any repercussions of this blog, as you stated "cause girls ruin everything", I have to call you out on your nonsense because it is the thing I love most about you. Alan says to me "Everyone gets so hung up on phonetics!" Phonetics? Really, Al? Letters and the sounds they make? THIS is what everyone is so hung up on?? God, I love you, you ridiculous man.

We will be planning a family intervention soon. Mike, I have never seen someone so wound up on "Connectivity" and "Bars" in all my life. Take a vacation why don't you??? I love you but bro, I am seeing some of me in you and we all know how scary that is.

I am so glad we took that trip. Before we left, I could see myself getting caught up and worked up. Now that I am back, I am so relaxed. It was the perfect combination of fun with my family and relaxing in nature. We all know that I love natural beauty so much you will often find me at a beach or mountain drooling on myself, and Sun Lakes was no different. I feel peaceful and fulfilled.

Finally, I know daddy would be pleased. When we were kids, he took us to this spot- which is why we chose it for the site of this year's and our future family vacations. I could feel his approval and just wish our 4th was there- maybe she will join us next year.

I love you guys. Thanks so much for everything. I am glad you are my family.

TMI

I am the queen of TMI, take my blog as Exhibit A.

It is rare that I play my cards close to my chest- when I do, I have been told that I am very transparent.

I just don't think before I speak. Every person places an interpretation on things done or said. Our interpretations are rarely accurate. It is unfortunate. I have ZERO idea how people view me, when I try to assess it, I get supremely self-conscious, and anxious.

Lately, I have been trying to not worry about stuff, I'm 2 for 5 at this point,but I have gotten much better about living for today. Faced with some big mysteries and some confusing/frustrating/overwhelming situations, I have been holding my own. I am not freaking out or obsessively worrying, or beating myself up....ok, I do those things sometimes, but not as intensely.

I am not doing anything earth shattering. I just don't have massive waves up upheaval (think 2005-08). I just have a nice, calm, peaceful little life.

I am grateful. I will continue to be flawed, practice unsafe TMI, live with and without integrity, and continue to battle anxiety. But for tonight my hat is off to myself.

I am in a really good place, I have great people in my life, I'm thankful for the days I have.

In the mood....

Actually, I am not in the mood for much of anything today. At the same time I am in the mood for some adventure. I am torn and I am tired.

I want something new in my life. I can't put my finger on what it is, just something different, something new, something exciting.

I love what I do for a living, but frankly I am bored with it. The idea of writing a syllabus, ordering copies, planning lessons, and creating and analyzing assessments makes me want to go to bed and pull the covers over my head until June. I am just so bored and unmotivated towards work. I wish I could come up with something different to do with my days and keep my mind working.

I like the intellectual stimulation of my job, but it just scratches the surface- there is so much more potential in me to use my mind and I am struggling to find an outlet for that.

All of this leaves me feeling lazy, lethargic, and under stimulated.

My personal life is pretty good. I have lots of good friends that like to do different things with me. As I sit here today trying to decide how to spend this Saturday, I am drawing a blank. I have lots of things to choose from, but nothing really appeals at the moment. I feel like I want some adventure and companionship, but I don't know in what form. Everything I think of is entertaining and accessible, but I am left with an overwhelming feeling of blah.

Maybe what I am in need of is a major change. Maybe relocation? I just am unsure what direction to even look in.

I hate restlessness. I wish I could be content to stay here all day and read, get ready for my trip, do some work for school, but I am not. I keep reading this book and in each paragraph find my mind wandering. It is not wandering in any particular direction, maybe if it was, I would have some idea of how I really want to spend my day. I keep thinking of all the stuff I outta be doing for school, but I can't even imagine actually sitting down and getting started. I feel so distracted.

I think this little vacation with my bros will help re-energize me, I certainly hope so.

I don't want to sit around trying to figure out what I want, I just want to do. There is a saying "Everything gets worse before it gets better" - maybe this is my lull before something really great and exciting happens- lets hope so, boredom does not suit me.

Control

What in life do we really have any control over?

I know this is not just a mystery to me. I don't believe that life is esoteric- I actually believe EVERYONE is out of the loop. Every day we choose labels. Why does everything have to have a label? For me all it does is serve to confuse me further and up the ante on my feelings of inadequacy.

I will admit this- I am out of control. I have never had a single day in my life in which I have been in control. All the times I have been in control really could use a new label "lying". Life just isn't like that. When we try to put controls on everything what we are actually doing is putting ourselves on lock down. It doesn't work. We can lie to ourselves and make up rules, but it is all in vain.

On a nearly daily basis, I wish I could remove my heart from my chest, lock it in a box and hang a little sign from it that says "In case of emergency break glass". What good would that serve? Yes, maybe (just maybe) that would save me on tears and keep me out of great pits of depression. It would also save me from great joy and being the person that people love. There is no reward in this kind of thinking.

I'm going to get hurt- I know this for an absolute fact because the only way to avoid being hurt is to die and I just don't think it is my time. So be it. I'd rather live for today then protect myself from being hurt tomorrow. Again, I have no real control over what my heart decides and the paths my mind wanders and I am simply exhausted from the effort.

I can continue to lie- er I mean, be in control, but that is all projection- it is in no way real. I already am what I am, I already feel what I feel, I'm going to always do whatever I want to do because I am simply human. Yes, this has not served me too well in my 34 years, but you know what? There is no evidence that being any other way would do anything but exhaust me. Would fighting against everything I desire have made for a better today? My guess is that the answer is just the opposite.

I'm going to go with it. I will be sure to always have a box of tissues, a prescription for anxiety tabs, and a pint of ice cream. I can't stop it and I am done fighting it. My happiness is in today if tomorrow sucks, another today is just around the corner.

Confessions

I have a lot of confessions to make. I am not going to do it here. The confessions I need to make are really not to other people. They are more to myself.

Overall, I am quite happy with life, but I will admit that today my stomach is a den of stress. I hate how acutely we feel stress in our bodies. It is enough to host a turmoil party in my mind but when my stomach, neck, back and head get into the act it is nearly unbearable. I literally feel wound and feel if I let my guard down, I will go spinning. The majority of this lies in the fact that summer vacation is almost over and frankly, I am really not ready to go back to work. I was hoping to have myself way more settled before getting back to work. Today I am feeling miles away from settled. I know this will pass. I know going into work today will help after I have assessed the situation. After a little Top and Saracha I am going in (God, I need to get paid).

I also have some crazy emotions all stirred up in me- things that don't belong together, things I can't sort into neat little boxes and get a grasp on. Just feelings that are jockeying for position in my heart and mind. Confusion and questions with answers I don't know, maybe answers I don't want.

I guess these are really good things; fear, hope, stress, joy, and anticipation- signs that I am alive and free. Freedom exhilarates and overwhelms me. I am handling it well at the moment, but out of habit I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I was about to say "here is where I am stuck", the truth is, here is where I AM:

" Knowledge of self- you can't seek it, it happens through meditation, sitting quiet and alone and in contemplation" - The RZA in The Tao of WU

Lucky Girl

Fortunate may be a more appropriate descriptive.

What a very fortunate girl I have been today. I spent the morning walking for an hour and a half just letting my thoughts fly unfettered into the warm sunshine. I love this time to think and move and escape into my own dreams. I had a productive day, some clean clothes to wear, a shiny car...not too bad.

My brothers- man I love em- and Michele and Nicolas too. Sun Lakes is going to be amazing and I am so excited to know that this year is just going to be the first in a new family tradition. I had no idea you read my blog Mike, but you can be sure I will be hiding some Easter eggs for you in future posts. Stop treating me like the black sheep though, cause you're it bro. I love you but seriously - we will have lots to talk about on the drive to EWA.

My new friend shared his food, his thoughts, and some laughs with me before sending me on my way to one of the best Hip Hop shows I have attended in a long time. Life is always putting people in your path for various reasons. That is something to be thankful for.

Tonight was Phree's going away party and for me it was bittersweet.I am excited for this new chapter in your lives, but I will miss you tremendously. I always feel like royalty on the hip hop scene for being Phree's Auntie, but every one there would tell you they treat me like that because of my smile. What an amazing group of talented positive people- thanks Phree for bringing that into my life.

Ah, Phree.... DON'T CALL ME RYAN- honestly I had never thought of it that way. That was a little insight into the man you have become. I know it was a little off the cuff, but seriously thanks for sharing a piece of you with you fans and friends.

I know your mother failed you, but just remember that your grandma, grandpa, and auntie were there for you. I know growing up was rough, but I, for one, am so blessed to have you as not only my nephew, but my brother. You have had a major impact on me- I wonder if I have ever told you that.

You have been a supreme annoyance, a bitter rival, a trusted confidant, a partner in crime (both literally and figuratively) and really, always a little brother to me. I love you to the ends of the earth.I love it when you call me "Beautiful" because I know what that really means to you. When you rock the mic I burst with pride, your art is amazing, your presence is a gift to everyone. Don't be pissed that I take credit for you learning how to read ;)

Mo- Such a beautiful woman and mother. I fell in love with you instantly and you will now and always be my sister. Take care of my boys and know I am always here for you.

Magnus- go cut your teeth on some coconut trees, my little love. You have a special little universe around you most people don't have- make the most of it.

I am so filled with gratitude tonight. It is time to get some sleep- if tomorrow holds even a fraction of the fun, joy, family, and love today held, I can't wait to get to it!

Trepidation

Part of all of this "love myself", "take responsibility for myself", etc. that I am committed to putting into my life makes me face some pretty hard truths.

Today I am afraid. Ah, fear...my favorite wasted emotion. I take fear to bed with me like a security blanket. I have been married to fear for so long that all the relationship needs at this point is some lye. However, I hate to be stagnant so I learned something today- The only thing I have fear is myself.

So I thought about this logically....unfortunately trying to live life without myself is an impossibility so back to the drawing board. If I can't be afraid of you or him or it and I seriously realize that I only have me to fear....

Now I have settled myself down a bit, and I truly am trying to look at this logically. I only have myself to fear, but WHO is in control of me? I know this seem s like an obvious answer, especially to someone with a minor in psych who spends 9 months of the year trying to teach 100 kids to take responsibility for themselves. However, it is not easy.

I don't want to take responsibility for me! I am broken- I didn't break me, did I?

Yeah.

I did. I broke it and now I have to fix it. Sure, I come from a long line of really lovely broken people- but they didn't break me. Yeah, I spent four years in hell sleeping with the Devil- he didn't break me.

Hmmm....actually, I didn't break me either. In fact I am not broken- this is just a lie I have been gnawing on as long as I can remember. You see, being "broken" is just another way to avoid responsibility for yourself.

Ok, I think really blame IS what is needed in this situation. Today, I blame Pandora....all this alternative music is making me EMO- I need to wash off the black eyeliner and change the station....

I'm fine- nothing like a rambling blog rant to make me step back and laugh in the face of my own insecurities.

I'm not scared.

I am not broken.

I don't even care what happens.

I'm going to keep my emotions on my sleeve and not worry about explaining them or fearing them.

It is too beautiful to go to work and I am too introspective to remain cooped up in this house. I think I will go seek some adventure today.....

All about me

I need to write today- I have written in my journal twice or so. Its not cutting it so here I am.

I am a hot mess right now, but really in a good way. My big deal with life is that I just wanna be happy. So I'm trying new things- sort of, I am thinking differently and that is good.

As I read back on these old blog posts, I am a little appalled at the obvious need to love him, her, and them in order to express my feelings and love towards life. What do those pro-nouns really have to do with me? Don't get me wrong- I am loving and it does define me, but what I am looking for is the I love Me. I talk a good game, but it has only been recently that I have attempted to put the "I love me" into practice. It feels strange. It feels self-serving and rather negative, but the results are positive.

Right now I have a million things on my mind: school, my pro cert, my messy house, a man, my friends, my family, my spirituality, my intellect, my emotions. I am suprised to wake up each morning and find my head has not actually exploded. And I wonder why I am so anxious all the time...

I am no longer chasing happiness though. That is the best thing to come out of this summer. I am creating happiness- in moments. I find joy in my own akwardness- isnt that strange? I bought a couple of new pairs of jeans and got a high from doing something for myself that made me look and feel great. I am taking risks that may or may not be good for me, but finding great joy in the anticipation of the outcomes.I am chosing what to want and what to dismiss. I am creating happiness with my interpretation of moments and events. I am on a serious power trip- control over myself.

I feel alive. Some of this is due to the people I surround myself with, some is due to me. Thats different. I like it.

I am alone today and it feels so good. Sure I should be cleaning or shopping or reading or maybe having coffee with a friend, but I have just been having a staring contest with my thoughts since I got out of bed and I am winning- that too is a powerful feeling. To just sit with myself and Pandora, and be cool with the stuff that is living within me right now.

I am getting to know myself through reflection, listening to what people are feeding me, and watching how others respond to me. I love it. My confidence is high right now- taking care of me and my emotions is an aphrodisiac.

So maybe it is not really "All about me" maybe I am not completely capable of that sort of committment and focus. However, I have grown in leaps and bounds in this area. Now I can enjoy my own company without criticism, fear, and self-depreciation.

I DO NOT want to go back to work, but this summer has been a great period of growth for me and I have no intention of going back to the way life was.

For today, I am happy.

Lies I tell myself

I don't want you in my head.

Don't lurk in my thoughts and mind.

I dont want to wait for your contact.

Don't make me long for you.

I don't want you in my heart.

I have a gate all around my being- I have seen you picking the lock.

Why do you want in? What is here that makes you wonder and want to dig for more?

People get inside and they move things around, they break stuff you treasure, they

criticize things that make you who you are.

I want to be hard.

Callous and protected.

I want these rules that keep me safe- even if they rob me of opportunities.

This is a lie- not a word of it is truth.

It is too late anyway.

Alone- a poem of sorts

I am alone-ish
Though surounded by family and friends
parts of me are very alone

I am alone-ish
sometimes lonely but they are not the same thing
interchangable sometimes hard to seperate

I am alone
who else can see through these eyes of mine
who else could translate these thougts

I am alone
quiet, peaceful, relaxed
loud, churning, tense

I am lonely-ish
not really, just nervous
not lonely, just not accustomed

I am lonely-ish
when I think of you
sometimes, on occasion

I am lonely
for a moment
for an hour or a day

I am lonely
it is fleeting
it does not define me

I am independent-ish
free to be me
getting to know me

I am independent-ish
on a path
walking and navigating my soul

I am independent
healthy, full, in charge
sick, empty, lost

I am independent
an opportunity I have been seeking
all this time- unaware

I am all these things, with a smile upon my face, with fear in my heart, and courage in my actions.

I am alone