Disappointment

I find myself struggling with disappointment once again.

At work, I am giving my blood sweat and tears to my program. I work every day, every night, and every weekend. School gets the majority of my physical and mental energy each week as well as a great deal of my emotional energy. Everyday, there is a constant cacophony of bitching in my ear: students, parents, co-workers. I told my kids the other day that negative comments are like throwing a rock in a pond. It has a ripple effect and touches everyone around them. How am I supposed to teach them to stop whining and do something about it when many of the adults around here are blatantly modeling this bitching behavior? How am I supposed to squelch this constant negativity when I am not given the proper tools I need to do my job successfully. I have run into a road block nearly everyday since this school year started. I have mustered my way through, but I can feel the exhaustion gripping my mind, heart, and soul. How long will I be able to hold up under this level of demand?

My personal life is not much better. I have devoted a great deal of care and energy into a person who has a lot going on in their life. A person who needed the support and even expressed appreciation for it. However, it is a two way street. While my problems may not be as big as his, I am important too. I need support on occasion. I don't need much, just someone to talk to. I just need someone to listen to me- the way I listen to him. When I requested that, it was not possible. When he did try to listen, there was no way I could open up. Nothing like rejection to sink me deeper and deeper into myself. Texts and emails go ignored. I understand he is dealing with stuff, but I really could use a friend too.

I am at my desk- it is lunch and tears are just streaming down my face. Tears of exhaustion, frustration, and rejection. I really need some rest. I really need some TLC. I really need out of here. I have almost made it- just a little further.

A reflection

My heart is pretty heavy tonight. I ache for Richard and the McLaughin family.

I am disappointed for myself professionally after a serious oversight by only person with the power to get me what I and my students need to be successful.

I am proud about how I am conducting my life and myself at the moment....mostly.

However, I really need to focus on some things. This is what I have come up with.

I know that if I learn to be patient, everything I want will be at my fingertips.
I know that if I am diligent, everything I need to do will get accomplished.
I know that if I am quiet, knowledge will have room to grow.
I know that if I persevere, wisdom will be the result.
I know that if I can love myself and be my friend, I will never REALLY be lonely again.

I know I've gotta put in some work.

The inevitable

Well, I always knew it was inevitable.

Now that it is finally here, I certainly have mixed feelings about it.

One minute it is no big deal. I mean I knew it was coming, so I should not be surprised. It didn't take me too long to recognize, but admitting is taking its time.

The next minute it is sad. I mean so much fun and what now?

Part of me wants confirmation- not that I really need it. However, I get confused when I let myself think what I want to think. Without confirmation I am just dragging it out.

Don't get me wrong, I am going about my life. At night it is difficult because my little mind gets itself all wound up. I will be ok. It is not the end all be all. I kept myself on guard enough to see to that, but I am not going to lie, I hate to see it disappear more than I hoped I would.

Damn.

Breathe

Do you ever notice how you hold your breath in times of distress? Without a thought we do that all the time. I have been holding my breath a lot these past few months. I admitted the truth, faced a challenge, lost a connection, traveled into and away from myself, expanded my circle and spirit, let my guard down, started an new school year...and it still keeps coming.

Sometimes I realize I am holding my breath. When I don't breathe, I get anxious, irrational, stressed, depressed, angry and morose. When I stop and breathe, it doesn't take anything away, but like a lorazapam, it takes the edge off.

Tonight I am just stopping to look at the things I have done well, the accomplishments I have made, the joys I have had in the past 4 months. I know I have a lot to still face. I will once again prepare for battle- hold my breath- and fight a little each day. However, I can just take tonight to breathe. Stop and take a look around, smile at the good things that have come and move forward.

I have a very dear friend that I also hope is taking a breath, at least for tonight.

School is exceeding my expectations, I am exceeding my expectations. I have goals, I have friends, I have family. I am happy.

Love/ Hate

You can't have hate unless you care deeply about something.

Emotions are not black and white. They build upon one another and they possess the ability to be present in many forms and in many combinations.

I live with a heightened state of emotion. I'm not superior in any way, I just live on my emotions. My senses are off the hook. I live outside my skin and take everything in. I can't just feel something a little.

This can be good and bad, it can be very dangerous, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.

The Catcher in the Rye

I think it is an absolute travesty that I waited 34 years to read this book.

Maybe it was just the right time for me.

I am in love with this book.

I am in love with Holden Caulfield.

I am in love with JD Salinger.

I am in awe of the truths pressed between these pages.

Lonely

Here is some emotional tripe for you....

I am lonely. I am supposed to be "gettin in touch with myself when I am lonely" Well, I don't wanna get in touch with myself, or touch myself, or friggin sit here with all these ideas in my head and no one to share them with.

I don't want to go on some anxiety ridden first date with someone. I don't want to hang out with my girlfriends (sorry ladies). Don't get me wrong, first dates and typically the next week or so following one are amazing. I love that excitement and that high. My friends are the best friends in the world, but I don't want to sit and make idle chit chat with anyone tonight.

What I am lonely for is that other person just peacefully sharing your space. You know how you can just sit with someone and do your own thing, be quiet, but still have the companionship and maybe share a few laughs or bounce ideas and thoughts off of each other without effort and drama and emotion and fear? That is what I am wanting right now.

I don't want to have to text a thought and wait a half an hour for a response, or email someone, or IM, or whatever....I just want something solid and quiet- tonight.

This is not something I crave and miss everyday, but this is what is missing this evening. Sometimes I just want to go get to know someone new or hang out with the girls, or chit chat idly, or flirt relentlessly, but tonight I am missing the companionship.

I have been in a relationship since I was 22- so I just kind of miss it and most likely want it more because it is not an option right now. Why do I want this so much tonight? I don't want to go out, I don't want to be doted on or even really cuddled (ok cuddling and affection are always welcome, but not what I am needing at this moment), I just want to not be here alone with no on to talk to.

You know how this makes me feel? PATHETIC.

Supposedly I am to be spending this time getting comfortable with myself and sitting with uncomfortable emotions. LAME.

I don't need to get comfortable with myself- I am awesome. I am not perfect, but I am human and I am just fine and whole the way I am. I am not feeling insecure or ugly or stupid or whatever.

Supposedly this time is going to make me "ready" for when the "real" thing comes along. What a load of crap. The "real" thing is never going to come along because you make something real it does not just appear and be real. Even if it did, I am never going to be "ready" for it. That is stupid. People are just people. Relating to people is complicated, one is no more ready for that than they are ready for an audit, a baby, or death.

It is ignorant to think that I am preparing myself (or should be)for such a thing. I am not going to change. I am and others are just are who they are- no preparation needed. That is all just some BS you tell yourself to keep you from jumping in front of a train when you are lonely.

People need people- bottom line- some more so than others. I am off the scale when it comes to needing companionship. I hate being inside my own head because I am there 24/7. It is not that I don't LIKE me, it is just I am bored with my thoughts alone- I need some color, some new perspective. I just need a distraction.

Now, the fact that it needs to be an attractive male distraction, that could be a deep rooted issue, or maybe I am just a GIRL.

I think I am done with all the psychobabble bullshit about being in touch with and accepting of myself though. I know me. I love me. I just want some variety.

Anyway, what I am trying to say is....Im bored and I am lonely and I am fine, but all this thinking is a serious waste of time.

What? What? What???

I got on my scale this morning and it says I have lost 38 lbs since January!!! Now, it may not be the most accurate- I really ought to buy a digital scale, but I feel safe in saying I have at least lost 35- YAY me!! I am so proud of myself. I feel so good and look really good too, if I do say so myself!

An Apology

Ah guilt....one of my Top 5 favorite wasted emotions.....


I want to apologise to some of my friends. I have, in these past 3 weeks, been a fairly negligent friend. I have not called or emailed or made any effort to get together. I have been spending a good deal of time with family and countless hours in my classroom and even more untold hours sitting on my couch, floor, or porch contemplating life.

I don't know what I am going to do with this new life of mine. It has taken me many hours of thought and that is all I have come up with...."I don't know".

I am so tired today. I spend all night last night planning and preparing for school and I have barely scratched the surface.

It is so easy for me to fade into whatever I am doing at the moment. This school year is no different, but I know it will settle down soon. I hope to have some fun this weekend, not spend too much money, get some stuff done for next week, finish my wardrobe.

I have lost my balance. I need to regain it, but I am so out of practice.

I can barely keep my eyes open this morning. I hope the first day of school goes well. I am nervous- so much to do, at least it will go by fast and before I know it I will be home.....working.

Someone save me.

One way or another.....

....I'm not coming undone.

Yesterday was a total bombardment of information from hanging out with Debra, going to see Julianna, to a late night phone discussion with Ryan.

It is a lot to take in, but at least it all gives me something to work with rather than just spinning my wheels and succumbing to my own personal vortex.

I can't put it all here due to time and mental exhaustion and just the desire to keep much of it to myself.

I have drawn a few conclusions though.....

1. I am going to follow my emotions and always reach for what brings peace and relief.

2. I must cultivate myself and my own interests, both for myself (mostly for myself) and also to give another person an opportunity to get to know ME and decide weather or not they want to love ME and not the persona I think they want me to project.

3. I must open myself up to my friends and family as much as possible rather than locking myself away so much in my own thoughts.

4. I am not walking away, for now. I am just going to relax, and see what develops. I will protect my heart, but in all honesty, he is not the only one that needs things to go slow if at all.

Now, to the "first" day of school.

My Song

Woah- 2 blog day and it is only 10 am. Too much thinking is gonna kill me.

Actually I have been watching birds out the window, thinking and listening to music and a song came into my head. This really is MY song. I have lots of songs that represent moments and moods but this one song has, since the first time I heard it, represented me. Maybe not the me you know....maybe, I have no idea which me any of you know. THIS is the me I know. It is not sad so don't come rushing over here with tissues- if you wanna bring me a mocha or something, I am always down.

This song is nearly exactly how I feel inside- all my strengths, insecurities and hopes. I could give a more detailed analysis, but what's the point? if you have a question you can ask me.

I am not sad, just contemplative. I get far away physically and mentally when I get contemplative sometimes for a moment sometimes for a month- its just my way. I am often mistaken as being sad when I am working out something in my head, but I am NOT sad.

Sure I am a little flustered, but please don't misunderstand- I'm thinking, that is all. And because I am blogging it, I obviously need the feeling that someone is listening to me without having to face anyone- I am strange like that, I am dying to share and have someone listen, but I am horrible at expressing myself to someone if I have to actually look at them.

Anyway, here is my song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zY0yKxMwRGg


Funny, I think I have blogged this before- not here but on my old MSN blog that I am sure is still out there in cyber space....Ima look for it will be interesting to see what I said about it 5 years ago.

Honesty

Honesty is a really big deal to me. I have been lied to a lot and really, I have no one to point the finger at about that issue but myself. I take everything people say to me at face value. I don't really have the time to decipher truth from a lie, mainly because the truth often sucks and I don't like to hurt so I just bury my head and roll with it.


After a very interesting conversation with a friend last night...
(thanks for that by the way if you have decided to start reading my blogs, we don't often see eye to eye, but our conversation last night had an impact and while it brought up new things I have to face, I would say it placated me a bit)...I realize that the biggest issue I face is being honest with myself.

Now that was not said to me, but as I begin to put the pieces together; fantasy, reality and everything in between, I realized it all by my lil ol self. I am totally lying to myself about what I want right now. Justifying things that feel good even though ultimately most likely are going to keep me from what I truly, honestly want.

I am lying to myself about what I want- making it match what I have. C'mon Heather, lets put a little effort into this thing. Life is strange compounded by the fact that my brain and heart do not operate the way I want them to. I have got to get real with myself and get real with the people in my life if my goals are ever to be realized.

The problem for me is also time- time and timing. I want to be laid back and easy going but not to the point that I am lazy and just letting life happen to me. If I want something I must take action to get it. Instead, it seems, I take action to avoid what I want in order to either escape from it or to make myself appear to be something other than I am. The timing is not right- well, that is unfortunate because right now is really all I have to offer.

I really don't need to work so hard to be accepted. If I am not accepted- thanks for your time, it was fun, later. If I am accepted then I can just be myself. Maybe it is me who is unaccepting of myself. What really is it that I think is so wrong with me? Why must I internalize every little thing? Most of which has not one iota to do with me and the person I am.

I am actually a pretty decent person. I am independent, intelligent, funny, attractive, and self-sufficient. Why can't I just accept that and let the rest fall to the wayside?

You gotta keep your pitcher full so that you can fill others- that is a pretty choppy quote of a song lyric, but the point is there.

Bottom line, I gotta be honest with myself and get moving down the path I truly want to follow. If this is not the path, I must take a different route.

Confusion is (still) my middle name

Just when I think I have it all figured out, I have a complete shift in perspective. Part of me would like to complain about that, but if I am to be honest, and if I am not honest I really have nothing going for me, I love it.

Yes, I love not knowing what I am going to be doing, thinking, or feeling from day to day. Yesterday I had one set of ideals today hmmmm...maybe maybe not, don't know, not really sure I care.

I despise complacency. I think and talk like I just want some normalcy and stability, but I don't. Not really. As soon as I become complacent, I get bored and then I have to destroy whatever it was I persued above all else so that I can begin my next quest. I am glad that I have the opportunity to do that.

I understand that I am 34 and maybe I should grow up a little- but why? I don't have children, I don't have a husband or boyfriend. My only committments are to myself, Kaya, my family, friends, and work. Those things are important to me, but when it comes to how I feel and think, I only owe myself.

Maybe things will change in the future- I don't know- but for now I am going to revel in the fact that I can live with chaos and confusion and love it for what it is.

I will admit that I am not on cloud nine. I am not fully invested or passionate about anything and from time to time I am a little blue. However, I am glad for the place I am in right now. I am not sure I can deal with anything heavy at this point. So lets hope nothing heavy comes along. If it does I will cope- because I always do. For this moment, I am totally thrilled to be where I am, doing what I am doing and for this moment- that is enough for me.

He is leaving....

This is a phrase that resides behind a great many issues in my life. Right now I am talking about my nephew Phree, he moves to Hawaii on Monday and I am going to miss him. It is not the end of the world, he and his family have great opportunity before them, I will just miss him, that is all.

I have said this phrase many times in my life and with great impact, and truly sometimes it had very little impact at all.

I said it when my dad got sick. I actually had a conversation with him begging him not to leave. As if he had any choice. How painful I must have made that for him, but I was hanging on so tight. This had the greatest impact to date.

I always seem to be hanging on to everything tight enough to kill it.

I said it about an ex boyfriend. The main emotion behind that one was relief. I never thought I would escape him. In the end, the truth is I left. Whatever, the purpose was served and his finally leaving or my finally leaving salvaged my life. This was the most freeing experience of my life.

I have left, others have left. I will continue to leave and others will do the same. It is not just relationships or family members either. It is everyone.

Everyone and everything we know and love is transitory. We are transitory. Phree once said to me- the only constant in life is change.

On one hand I hate this- change and leaving. On the other hand I have much gratitude for it- thank God we can shed the dregs and inequities of our lives sometimes.

I wish you wouldn't leave- I wish you luck on your journeys. I gotta do what I gotta do, that in itself is a form of leaving.

I love you.