Honesty

Honesty is a really big deal to me. I have been lied to a lot and really, I have no one to point the finger at about that issue but myself. I take everything people say to me at face value. I don't really have the time to decipher truth from a lie, mainly because the truth often sucks and I don't like to hurt so I just bury my head and roll with it.


After a very interesting conversation with a friend last night...
(thanks for that by the way if you have decided to start reading my blogs, we don't often see eye to eye, but our conversation last night had an impact and while it brought up new things I have to face, I would say it placated me a bit)...I realize that the biggest issue I face is being honest with myself.

Now that was not said to me, but as I begin to put the pieces together; fantasy, reality and everything in between, I realized it all by my lil ol self. I am totally lying to myself about what I want right now. Justifying things that feel good even though ultimately most likely are going to keep me from what I truly, honestly want.

I am lying to myself about what I want- making it match what I have. C'mon Heather, lets put a little effort into this thing. Life is strange compounded by the fact that my brain and heart do not operate the way I want them to. I have got to get real with myself and get real with the people in my life if my goals are ever to be realized.

The problem for me is also time- time and timing. I want to be laid back and easy going but not to the point that I am lazy and just letting life happen to me. If I want something I must take action to get it. Instead, it seems, I take action to avoid what I want in order to either escape from it or to make myself appear to be something other than I am. The timing is not right- well, that is unfortunate because right now is really all I have to offer.

I really don't need to work so hard to be accepted. If I am not accepted- thanks for your time, it was fun, later. If I am accepted then I can just be myself. Maybe it is me who is unaccepting of myself. What really is it that I think is so wrong with me? Why must I internalize every little thing? Most of which has not one iota to do with me and the person I am.

I am actually a pretty decent person. I am independent, intelligent, funny, attractive, and self-sufficient. Why can't I just accept that and let the rest fall to the wayside?

You gotta keep your pitcher full so that you can fill others- that is a pretty choppy quote of a song lyric, but the point is there.

Bottom line, I gotta be honest with myself and get moving down the path I truly want to follow. If this is not the path, I must take a different route.