Lonely

Here is some emotional tripe for you....

I am lonely. I am supposed to be "gettin in touch with myself when I am lonely" Well, I don't wanna get in touch with myself, or touch myself, or friggin sit here with all these ideas in my head and no one to share them with.

I don't want to go on some anxiety ridden first date with someone. I don't want to hang out with my girlfriends (sorry ladies). Don't get me wrong, first dates and typically the next week or so following one are amazing. I love that excitement and that high. My friends are the best friends in the world, but I don't want to sit and make idle chit chat with anyone tonight.

What I am lonely for is that other person just peacefully sharing your space. You know how you can just sit with someone and do your own thing, be quiet, but still have the companionship and maybe share a few laughs or bounce ideas and thoughts off of each other without effort and drama and emotion and fear? That is what I am wanting right now.

I don't want to have to text a thought and wait a half an hour for a response, or email someone, or IM, or whatever....I just want something solid and quiet- tonight.

This is not something I crave and miss everyday, but this is what is missing this evening. Sometimes I just want to go get to know someone new or hang out with the girls, or chit chat idly, or flirt relentlessly, but tonight I am missing the companionship.

I have been in a relationship since I was 22- so I just kind of miss it and most likely want it more because it is not an option right now. Why do I want this so much tonight? I don't want to go out, I don't want to be doted on or even really cuddled (ok cuddling and affection are always welcome, but not what I am needing at this moment), I just want to not be here alone with no on to talk to.

You know how this makes me feel? PATHETIC.

Supposedly I am to be spending this time getting comfortable with myself and sitting with uncomfortable emotions. LAME.

I don't need to get comfortable with myself- I am awesome. I am not perfect, but I am human and I am just fine and whole the way I am. I am not feeling insecure or ugly or stupid or whatever.

Supposedly this time is going to make me "ready" for when the "real" thing comes along. What a load of crap. The "real" thing is never going to come along because you make something real it does not just appear and be real. Even if it did, I am never going to be "ready" for it. That is stupid. People are just people. Relating to people is complicated, one is no more ready for that than they are ready for an audit, a baby, or death.

It is ignorant to think that I am preparing myself (or should be)for such a thing. I am not going to change. I am and others are just are who they are- no preparation needed. That is all just some BS you tell yourself to keep you from jumping in front of a train when you are lonely.

People need people- bottom line- some more so than others. I am off the scale when it comes to needing companionship. I hate being inside my own head because I am there 24/7. It is not that I don't LIKE me, it is just I am bored with my thoughts alone- I need some color, some new perspective. I just need a distraction.

Now, the fact that it needs to be an attractive male distraction, that could be a deep rooted issue, or maybe I am just a GIRL.

I think I am done with all the psychobabble bullshit about being in touch with and accepting of myself though. I know me. I love me. I just want some variety.

Anyway, what I am trying to say is....Im bored and I am lonely and I am fine, but all this thinking is a serious waste of time.