Goals

Well now I have suprised even myself. At this point in my journey, I expected to have lost 3-5 lbs. I have lost 10.8. I have lost 5% of my body weight. I am shocked and so very pleased. I have worked hard, but it has been fun rather than unbearable. I have had a really busy day and would really like to go lay down on the couch and go to sleep right now....fortunately Patti is waiting for me at the gym for some belly dance so I will get my exercise in today then I am coming home to CRASH OUT!

The song of my life....

Gotta give some background on this one. The first time I heard this song, it was the Smashing Pumpkins version. It immediately resonated with me and made me think of my poppy. This was BEFORE I discovered the wonders of Fleetwood Mac. When I heard Stevie Nicks belt it out and discovered she had written it for HER daddy- well, wow that is pretty amazing. Those who know me well would not likely be surprised that I can find a connection between myself and Stevie Nicks. This song meant so much to me. When my dad got sick and later succumbed to his illness (Brain cancer) the song became all that more important. I wouldn't call it my favorite song....who can name a favorite song!?! But it truly is a song of my life.

I miss my daddy. That is a key to this whole "Getting Happy" quest. I have to deal with his death. I have to say goodbye to him and cherish the lessons and memories he left with me. Ten years later, I am still in denial. I just miss him and every day I don't know how I will survive the challenges I face. However, I do. I do because I have a lot of people who love and support me. I do because my parents gave me skills to cope. The lessons of my childhood and my own determination make me who I am today.

Please take a moment to listen to these lyrics or google the song. This is how I feel about my dad. I don't know that it will translate out loud the way it does in my head, but if you want to know why I am on this journey, this outta help. I am thankful I had him- what a lucky girl.

Lyrics to Landslide by Stevie Nicks


(This is for you, Daddy.)

I took my love and I took it down
I climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
'Til the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Mmm Mmm... I don't know... Mmm Mmm... Mmm Mmm...

Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too

So...

(Guitar solo)

I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I, I´ve built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too...
I'm getting older too...

So, take this love, take it down
Oh if you climb a mountain and you turn around
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring you down, down

And If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well maybe... The landslide will bring you down
Well well... the landslide will bring you down

Fear and Loathing

I have not written in awhile because I just don't know what to say. I have been filled with anxiety again lately- I guess I will never be rid of anxiety fully so I am just going to have to learn how to cope with it.
So what am I so worried about? Here they are but not in order of importance, just in an order.

Well, I am afraid this week I won't lose weight. The first few weeks are usually pretty easy and then things slow down a lot. I am ok with that as long as I lose about a pound per week. I would like to lose a minimum of 5 lbs each month. I have been doing fine, but I am freaking obesessed with it and that is starting to drive me crazy.

My home is driving me crazy- it is a wreck. I feel there is so much I need to "do" or "go through" or "clean". I feel the mess of my home as a constant pressure following me. I can't relax if it is not done and it is just to overwhelming to do it.

On Friday something happened in my relationship. I think for the most part it was somewhat of a misunderstanding. However, it was one of those things that make you see everything just a little differently. I am not quite sure how to deal with it. I mean we talked, made each other understand the other's point of view (sort of), made up and have moved on. However, it changed something a little. I am hoping that it will pass- this subtle change. I am not a fan of it. It makes me look at things from a different perspective, makes me anxious, and makes me hold myself in a little more. I don't want that for us. I want us to be open and be best friends like always. Changes scare the hell outta me.

I am anxious about work. There is so much paperwork to do I am struggling to keep up with the teaching. When the focus is on case managing and not teaching, I start to lose motivation. I am tired and it is hard to be creative and interesting when your brain is so tired from IEP's and communicating with parents and teachers. The kids are really struggling with motivation right now too and I wish I could be a positive model for being motivated- but I am on the verge of burnt out, so it is rough.

I am so ready for summer. I was thinking that this morning- to my dismay it is January, but it is the end of January with lots of exciting things going on, so it should be summer in no time. By the time school gets out I should have lost 25-30 lbs- so that will be very nice for summer.

Sigh, sometimes I wish my thoughts had a dial so I could decrease the anxiety and turn up the carefree Heather that I have seen a few times. I am so tired of worrying about everything.

Help

I need more help. I just don't know how to ask for or get the help I need. For starters, I need help with this dog. I know it is MY dog, but I never intended on being alone to take care of her while working full time and trying to keep up the house. I have always had a partner to help me with her. Now, I am basically on my own. My bf will help if I ask him to, but he hates it so the help usually comes a long with frustrated feelings from him which make me feel really bad. I am thinking of hiring a dog sitter or dog walker or something to take her out for me while I can't. She keeps going to the bathroom in the house because she has to hold it for so long. I am always running, running, running and I just can't give her enough on my own right now. I am totally crying as I write this because I love her so much. She is such a good dog and has been really really good to me, but I just can't take care of her alone anymore. It is breaking my heart.

I am so frustrated. I am working a lot and going to school and trying to improve my life and instead of feeling energized this morning I am sapped and upset. I just need more help and I don't know how to get the help I need. I already feel bad for asking for anything (this is just part of my personality) and I can feel frustrations and resentments building but I don't know how to do anything about it. This is just wearing me down.

Before Photos

No, you will not see them posted here- yet- maybe in 6-8-10 months. I still need to do my measurements, but the photos give me a pretty good idea of what I am working with. They are not pretty. They are me in my new yoga outfit. Front, side, back. I could totally worry about it, but I am not going to. I am going to go to yoga. I am going to keep putting one foot in front of another and get healthy. We walked 3 hours today. If I keep working, I will make it. I WILL NOT look like this forever. We are going to take a photo every month and I hope that near the end of summer or sometime in the fall, I will post some of them. Until now, they remain safely locked in my computer.

Challenges

I faced some challenges this weekend in terms of my weight loss goals. I went out with friends on Saturday and a family dinner tonight. On Sat I went a little overboard, but I still stayed well within my weekly points. Also, Curtis and I walked both days so I earned a lot of activity points. Last week I had 20 points left at the end of the week from working out. That is my goal for every week. I am right on track. Tonight I went to my niece's house to belatedly celebrate Christmas. We had potatoes, ham corn, and rolls. I was so good. I had a little bit of everything and I came home with points to spare for the day. Very well done. My next weigh in is in three days. I am very excited to see what kind of progress I made this week. I will remember that my goal is 1 pound per week. As long as I steadily lose one pound each week I will reach my goal and remain there. :)

H

You gotta have friends

I am so fortunate with the friends I have in my life. Today I would like to talk about one inspirational person in particular.

Heidi Clark- this is an amazing preson. If you don't know Heidi, you should ask me how you can get to know her, because my world, for one, is a better place because she is part of it. Heidi is hilarious, giving, adventurous, funny, inspirational, intelligent, I could go on and on...

I met Heidi because I was part of a relationship, which I am no longer a part of. Usually when you split up with someone friends choose sides and you either get to keep them or you lose them. Heidi is not like that. She successfully balances a relationship with both myself and my ex and I will forever be greatful to her for that.

Because of Heidi, I have met other people whom I consider to be absolute gems that I could not live with out; Jen, Jenni, Christina,Donnie, and Ginny. There are also many others- our Bunco group, all of our Partylite crew, etc. etc. This circle of women keep me grounded and I always look forward to spending time with them. Not because of the food, and the laugh,the companionship, and the adventures (though those things are important to me). The reason I love these women so much is because I can be myself with them. I can just relax, let go, and be me- no worries of criticism- they all make me feel as special to them as they are to me.

Another thing I love about Heidi is her giving spirit. Heidi and I are very much alike in this area- but with one huge difference- Heidi is on top of things, dedicated, and organized. Therefore she puts her brain into organizing events in which I can become involved and put my heart into. Thanks Heidi- your hard work is so appreciated.

Last night we went out to dinner with Heidi and Jason (her fiance & my ex's brother, who much like Heidi is able to balance one with the other, I really appreciate that Jason). I love these two. The 4 of us met Jen and played BINGO- random and so much fun!

My life is a better one because of the people I have around me and I want to tell every one of you I love you dearly and hope that I will be able to enhance your lives the way you have mine.

Thankful

I am so thankful that I am alive today.

I am so blessed to have friends whom are such amazing people who love me so much.

I am grateful that 6 different students just asked if they could have lunch with me today (though I feel a little guilty that I turned them away so I can have some alone time).

I am thankful for my mom and dad and the upbringing they gave me. I am so fortunate in life now because of what they taught me back then.

I am thankful for my strength- I have an amazing and surprising amount of power within me.

I'm thankful for Curtis, he gives me lots of love and caters to all the crazy/quiet/wild/fun/cranky sides of my personality. He has been a better friend than I ever imagined to find in a relationship.

I am thankful for Kaya- she smells bad, but god I love that dog! She has been with me through some really difficult times and has unconditional love for me.

I am thankful for my job and my intelligence so that I can work in this type of environment.

I am thankful for my spaghetti lunch and grateful for the fact I am a really good cook.

I am blessed to live in my beautiful apartment. I am ready to move on from it, but it has a beautiful view and it holds a lot of special memories of my freedom and building new love.

I am thankful for a million other things but the bell is about to ring.

It has been a really long time since I felt so full.

Morning person?

Still no

However, I am so different in the morning than I used to be. For starters, when I go to bed, wether it be at 9, 10 or 11, I am out with in minuets. Before I could lay in bed for hours at a time trying to fall asleep- no longer. Also when my alarm goes off, I am ready to get up. I still use the snooze button, but only once or MAYBE twice, but not until "someone is about to snap" accorgding to Curtis. Also, I am not cranky. I feel pretty good. I look forwward to my coffee, facebook, breakfast routine.

I just all around feel so much better.

Balance

As I demonstrated in bellydancing last night- balance is not really my thing. I really need to focus on life balance. I have been crazy on the go and I have more on my plate now and I need to make sure other things that are so important to me (Curtis, school, and work) are not left on the back burner.

I adore Curtis and I don't want use to grow apart due to all the changes and the hectic schedule. I need to make sure we have time for all of our fun and bonding which have made our relationship so rock solid. I love you baby, and you mean the world to me so lets keep communication strong. You are my best friend and I need you, want you, love you. I am blessed to have you in my life and I want you to continue to feel the same about me.

School- I am so done with it, but the truth is I have one more class, and I have to get through it. Also, I have gotten straight A's and I don't want to break the streak.

My job is demanding and I really need to keep up with those demands. It requires time outside of work so I must find and make that time.

Does anyone have tips to keep all of these things in balance?

Random?

Is anything really random? Or is it simply that everything is random?

So I have an interesting story about the randomness of life.

Last Saturday, we were going to go to a show. It was not our original plan and just before we went out, Curtis didn't really want to go, but we did anyway. We arrived and the people who invited us weren't even coming, it wasn't the band they originally thought was going to play. We really enjoyed it- I mean seriously, it was such a great time. We discovered an awesome new metal band and it was just great.

So during the night Curtis saw this girl and he kept saying "I think it is Patti who I worked with, but I am not sure." I said just go find out if it is her- if it is not no harm, no foul.

You have to understand, Curtis is actually pretty reserved- I would go so far as to call him shy- because "reserved" sounds ridiculous when you are talking about Curtis.

Anyway it WAS Patti and he introduced me to her.

Patti is one of those girls- you know the ones, you meet them and immediately go- there is something really special about her.

It is something you can see & feel immediately. She is outgoing, funny, spunky, just has an aura about her.

So, I promise this story is getting back to the randomness of life.

All week, I have been trying to decide about joining a gym. Lots of people weighed in. I shopped around, took tours, it was all pretty overblown for just joining a gym. It is who I am , anxious and thorough.

So I go to LA Fitness tonight and consider the classes, the facility, the price, and the fact that I know 3 people who go there. I call and text friends to see if I am making the right decision (that has to go on the chopping block but we are tackling one issue at a time here).

So I take the leap and join. As I am leaving and who is there at the counter? Patti!

I was hoping I would run into her, she told me about belly dancing. So she talks me into going to the class right then and there, jeans and long sleeves and all. I had a blast! I made a good decision.

Yay me.

How random is it though that all of these weird little happenings in the last few days all tied together? Random? Not so much? I don't know the answer but whatever it is, it took me one step closer to being happier :)

Anyway, new gym, new friends, and I lost 5 lbs- it has been a good week.

Now to go cuddle with my honey and here is hoping I can use my body tomorrow to climb out of bed and go to work!!

H

Changes

It has been about 10 days since I started changing my habits and I feel completely different. I sleep at night- it only takes me moments to fall asleep and for the past few days I have been up on the first alarm.

I weather stressful situations. A few weeks ago the dog made a mess in the bathroom at night- in the morning I totally freaked out- I even woke Curtis up because I was so upset about trying to get ready and clean up the mess that I didn't even know what to do. Yesterday she made a mess and I stepped in it- didn't even freak out- wash my feet, cleaned the mess, resumed life.... nice

I missed walking for two days and I was cranky. It used to be if the weather made me not able to walk I was stoked because that meant more time on the couch reading (with chips and a soda no doubt) now I'm trying to find a gym to join because I hate that cranky feeling.

I don't think I have lost a tremendous amount of weight in 10 days, I am just hoping the weigh in tonight shows I lost 1 pound. My pants are no longer digging into my belly though. I have always wondered why the put an extra button inside fat girl jeans- those dig in and hurt all day, but now they don't bother me, I can't wait to start tossing our sizes here in a few weeks.

I am more optimistic, I believe I can do this and that the journey may be long, but I am excited for the challenge.

Water- I CRAVE it. I drink all my water every day. I have cut way back on caffeine, not consciously, I just don't want so many coffees and diet cokes, I want water.

Eating healthy, drinking lots of water, and exercising is the best anti-depressant I have found. I am getting my life back, I am in control, I love it.

So I have worked with therapists before. Losing my dad destroyed my life at the point it happened and I have never been right since. I have made horrible choices and my life has suffered greatly from that. The therapists always tell me to turn negative thoughts into positive ones. That does not work for me, because I don't believe the positive thoughts. I realized last night that will never work. I will never believe the positive thoughts until I have changed the behavior that leads to the negative thoughts. WOW! Powerful information.

All in all this transformation is doing wonders for me, not a minute too soon.

H

SLUG!

I have not walked in 2 days- well I took a 20 min walk at lunch, but it was not enough. I felt so good the past few days and I need that feeling back!!

So now I must decide do I get a wii fit plus or join a gym? If I join a gym which one? I can't wait for the weather to clear, this is Washington State. I MUST make a decision and start exercising again by tomorrow!

Any suggestions would be appreciated, if anyone even reads this thing.....

Anxiety...

I hate anxiety.

We all have it, unfortunately, I am wired in a way that I am in a frequent state of anxiety. Who am I kidding? I am in a near constant state of anxiety. It sucks. I try to avoid medicating myself for this, but we all self- medicate. Food has always been a good medication for me. Sort of. It would make me feel better then worse.....

For the past two days my anxiety level has been way up there.

Don't get me wrong, I had a wonderful weekend and generally feel refreshed and ready to go, but I have always lived with a heightened state of anxiety so it is almost as though I can split those two aspects of my life apart- the anxiety and how I live my life. I have a great difficulty consciously stopping my anxiety, but I can still cope and enjoy aspects of my life. I suppose that is how the mind adapts to chronic problems.

Anyway, the last 2 days have been high anxiety days...lots to do, obsessed with my eating plan, etc. I have had bad dreams two nights in a row and couldn't sleep past 4:45 this morning. Is that like reverse insomnia? Oh well at least I got some sleep.

It looks like finding healthy ways to deal with anxiety should be top on the list this year. I just am not sure where to begin.....

Twinkle twinkle little star....

I am a bright bright star in the heavens above...diminished only by my choices, my thoughts.

I should be the star in someone's sky, the light in someone's heart.

The fact is I am.

I am the bright star in many skies, the light in many hearts.

Diminished in my own.

Diminished in the only sky that really counts.

Burning myself up.

Burning myself out.

Going out

I absolutely despise getting ready to go out. I can't ever find anything I look good in. I look decent, but not good by any means.

I hope my patience can hold up through this whole process. I just wish I could go back in time and have a do-over 2000 would be far back enough....

Or I wish I could fast forward to where I already want to be, though I don't want my life to speed up any more than it already is.

I wish I could just be happy where I am now. I can't do any more than I already am to be better, but I just am so disgusted by myself.

Sigh...this sucks.

Pain

I just want to take a moment to remind you that many of the people you are close to, work with, acquaintances, family, friends, and even perfect strangers many be in variety of levels of pain at any given time and we must remember to be gentle with others, even when we are in pain ourselves. I just witnessed a wonderful woman who I love very much in an extraordinary amount of pain. Things pile and pile up on us in life and everyone has experience with illness, pain, stress, and frustration daily.

Please be gentle with the souls who you come across. you have no idea what lies behind their mask. Don't jump to conclusions, try not to take things personally, and whenever you are able handle situations with as much gentleness you can muster. Even if that comes in the form of walking away when what you really want to do is share your pain with someone else.

Life is difficult at times, for everyone. We can all make it more tolerable by just being as kind as we can. Whether we believe the person deserves it or not.

Today try to do something, anything to reduce the pain in the world around you.

H

I am a control freak

That is not even a joke. I am a total control freak, it is kind of sad. However, I have had a change in my thought process today. I think the past few days I have been frustrated because I realized just how much food controls me. Now that I am trying to learn differently, it is ALL I think about. What will I eat, what did I eat, how much will I eat, etc. Today I have been very good at making food choices and being more active. I have drank a lot of water and right now I would normally be famished and into about my 4th 100 cal pack. However, I am not even hungry. I feel in control and it feels very positive.

I think Roo and I are going to start Hot Yoga- I'd be a liar if I said I was not intimidated by this. However, I think it is just what I need.

Off to walk with C- life is really not so bad after all :)

EMO Eater

Emotional eating is most likely my biggest obstacle. I fear today will be a problem. I am sad, frustrated, a little aprrehensive and typically those emotions spur extra eating. I am going to be very aware of my emotions today and keep it in mind as I make food choices.

Another thing I think will help is the realization that this is MY life. I do not have to bend to every one's will, I do not have to be everything to all people, I do not have to take other peoples problems into my own heart. I love that I am a loving caring, genuine person. I just need to face the fact that unless I care for me, I have nothing to give anyone else anyway. Also, people make decisions about what is priority to them and I can't change what bothers people or hurts them and take their pain away. It is not my job, and truly, it is not even possible. So today I will focus on myself, my feelings, and my job and just let the rest of the world figure out their own way to be happy for awhile.

My happiness is worth the wait

This is the text I got from Curtis tonight. I said "It is going to take me 8 weeks longer to reach my goal" (my weigh in showed that I am 8lbs heavier than I thought) and he responded with " Thats ok. Your happiness is worth the wait" How lucky am I to have him in my corner?

So I ate ok- I have to deal with emotional eating , PRONTO! (one of my students uses that word everyday and it cracks me up!) Seriously, if I can conquer emotional eating, I will be golden- forever.

We did one of our hour long walks tonight- we do this everyday that it is not raining and if I don't have some event to run off to we easily walk two. It is so wonderful to bond. Ok, well he listens to me yak and I think he is paying attention and therefore the love grows ;)

Thanks Curtis for supporting me in my pursuit of happiness.

I have a lot of cheerleaders in my section according to Facebook and I just appreciate everyone so much.

2010- 10 years and 3 months since my life changed for the worse. A decade is enough time to get back to the girl I know I can be.

Everyday my body gets better

Ok, I really don't believe that. If anyone else truly knew the extent of the self- loathing when I look in the mirror....

However, maybe if I tell myself this every day my mind will believe it and my body will follow suit.

Tonight is my first weight watchers meeting and I am excited. I like that my meetings will be mostly on Wednesday because by wednesday I am ready for the week to be over and I feel the meetings may inspire and motivate me. While I am excited to start, I am a little apprehensive. It seems a little like AA for eaters. Am I a foodaholic? Probabaly. Eating breakfast has really helped me throughout the day.

OK- since I am just getting started on this, I think the first couple of things I should do is write out WHY I want to lose weight and what I am going to do about it. I hope that by doing this periodically, I will keep myself motivated and be able to track my progress. Of course, I could just write this all down in a journal, but I am putting it on the internet maybe as a little cry for help. We can't do everything alone. I am really bad about that. I am, in some areas of my life, a very independent, strong-willed person. There are other areas in my life in which I am highly dependent and I know that is one of my problems in the grand scheme, but I will save that exploration for another day. Anyway, my natural inclination is to do this all on my own in my little bubble. However, I know that is not the way I wil be most successful so that is the purpose of the blog.

OK here are the reasons I want to lose- some of them are shallow- forgive me, but I have never claimed to not be a shallow person (just another of my many juxtapositions).
I am 33 years old and my knees and hips hurt- a lot- all the time.
I don't have a single article of clothing that looks good on me. Well, except my boots, but if my pants or skirt don't look good, what is the use in looking good in boots?
I have a pretty face- you just cant really see it anymore. I see pictures of myself and I want to rip them up, delete the, whatever.
I have cried on 3 separate occasions getting ready to go out with my honey. I have a gorgeous bf and he loves me for who I am. I am thinking he is no more of a fan of me crying before we leave the house to go out than I am.
I feel like crap. Everyday. All the time. I want to just "rest" and "relax" I have no energy. None.

Well, I don't have time to outline my plan right now...hopefully later today.

My transformation is not ALL about weight loss but it is the one thing I am focusing on right now, so for a while that is most likely all I am going to talk about. (sorry)

I am in love...

I am madly, passionately, deeply in love....with sugar....especially in the form of carbs. I actually went to bed last night because I WANTED (did not need) an english muffin. I hopped out of bed after only one snooze because I knew my love, the english muffin, was waiting for me.
Seriously.
I have quit smoking several times and the pull towards unnecessary sugar is as bad as a nicotine fit.

Oh well, I am not giving up sugar, but we need some space.

So how am I going to transform my life? It is a multi step process. For starters, I am taking things one step at a time. I got that tattooed on my foot 3 years ago and I still don't know how to take things one step at a time. I am making baby steps and hoping to change my life not just lose some weight.

This is important to understand if you have chosen to sit in my cheering section. It is important because I am going to forget it and I need peeps who love me to remind me.

I will type more about it later, but I am tired for work and my real honey (the one who doesn't make me fat) is here and I have missed him all day so I am going to go kick it with him. Even if he did make delicious popcorn and I am not hungry so I am not eating any- even if I have to go to bed to keep from doing it.

Why I just want to be happy

The title of my blog comes from an "ocean incident" with my nieces.

You see, I am terribly afraid of things that I can't see (I can look evil in the face and be completely oblivious, but if I can't see you, you terrify me).

Anyway, my nieces were trying to push me to go further into the ocean at night and I could feel little fish and creatures all around my legs and feet. All I wanted to do was lay on my float and drift peacefully under the moon. This vacation came a couple of short months after my world imploded around me. I had faced a lot worse than tiny sea creatures and I did not come out on top. I told the girls to let me be, saying "I just want to be happy".

Really that is all it is. I just want to be happy. It has been a year an a half since that trip to Florida where I began a long journey of self- discovery. I have learned a lot since then, I have acted upon very little of what I have learned. That is because I don't fear things I can see. Even if they have the potential to destroy me. It is those little invisible things, just under the surface- the unseen that terrifies me.

I just want to be happy- such a simple thing.

But I am not happy.

I am smart, I am funny, I am stubborn, I am whiny, I am kind, I am loving, I am awkward, I am clumsy, I am fat, I am beautiful...I could go on and on, but I am NOT happy.

There are things I am happy about I have a home, I have a successful career, I have a wonderful boyfriend, a crazy (in a good way) family. I have a lot, but I am not happy. I am not happy because I won't let myself be.

I am not happy because I miss my dad.
I am not happy because I am fat.
I am not happy because I cannot forgive myself for the mistakes I have made in life.

But that is not what this blog is about. This blog is about how I am going to GET happy.

Jetta inspired this log. This amazing friend who I have known since 7th grade (but have been apart from for many long years) has lost a lot of weight and gained a lot of herself back and is currently in the process. I want that. I want to begin a process of getting happy. So here I go.