Decisions

I have never been one for making decisions. I can never make a choice. Looking back upon my life all I can see is a series of really bad choices. I have made some good choices too, but the bad ones have been REALLY bad. So here I am faced with a horrible choice. Do I pursue what is completely unknown and take the steps I need to make having a family a possibility? In order to do this, I have to end my relationship. I love my boyfriend so much. He is such a kind and gentle soul. He is such a fun, funny, and adventurous person. H makes me so happy. It seems so unfair that I have fallen in love with such a wonderful person only to have to contemplate giving him up to chase a dream that may or may not ever come true. On top of that I have to consider the sacrifices and rewards of something that may or may not ever happen for me, something I know nothing about- to have children. What does this say about me and my convictions? What does this say about me and my love when I even have to think about it in order to decide? Shouldn't this decision be a no brainer in one way or another? One thing I do know is that I have to do something to stop waking up depressed every day. I have to do something to put an end to the stress and worry and tears that assault me every day making it impossible to do my job, impossible to enjoy the loving and joyful moments in each day. Someone told me to choose happiness. That is all fine and good, but here is what I know. I am with a man who brings me joy and happiness everyday and I love our life together. I also know that I have always wanted to have children. I don't however know if I can have children. I don't know if I would be a good mom. I don't know if I have the strength of character and emotion to be a mom. I of course, can't be a mom on my own. That much I know about myself. However, how could I leave a man I love in order to find a person to have the family I long for with? How can I leave someone who I have so much love in my heart for and be with someone else? It seems like a farce. Why have I chosen so many paths in my life that make these decisions necessary in the first place. I am not 24, I am 34 and time just is not on my side any more. I made choices that have left my life in turmoil. Now I have something good in my life- how can I possibly walk away from that? I can't. None of this is fair to him. That burdens me so much. I never want to hurt him, he has always been so good to me and he has always been upfront with me. I feel like a jerk. I am so lost and so sad and I just don't know what to do. Here I am longing for a more simplistic life yet am wrestling with the idea of making my simple life so much more complicated.
For today I will focus on work and prayer. I just need to focus on what is at hand in the present so I don't screw up what little stability I actually have. This is just way too much for me. It is not a decision anyone can help me with. I know I have my friends who will love and support me either way. Even Curtis has told me that no matter what decision I make, he is behind me 100% and that even if we part, he will still be my friend and that he doesn't want to stand in the way of my dreams. Oh how I wish it could be him. Everyone comes into your life for a reason and a season, I am not ready for our season to be up. I never want our time to end. I am so overwhelmed.

Love- Warning: Sappy but honest

Love for me has always been an easy and powerful emotion. I do not know why I was created this way, but it is a natural gift I have always possessed. The ability to love freely and fiercely. Some people have been repelled by it, others drawn to it. It has brought me pain and joy, troubles and triumph. As we all have, I have suffered many hurts in life, but my ability to love had never been decreased. I have loved people who it makes no sense for me to love, but love is what I do. My heart holds many types of love for many different people. Some who I know intimately and deeply some who barely passed into and out of my life. Love is the core of who I am.
I love a person deeply- drawn to him immediately. Not love at first sight- not Hollywood love. When I discovered that I loved him it was so apparent that I really didn't care if we were ever meant to be in a romantic situation- okay not entirely true- I wanted him to be my love, be my man. However, I decided right away that even if I was never to receive romantic love from him I wanted him in my life, no matter what. In the time that I have loved him it has been many different kinds of love. A tapestry woven of many shades, colors, and textures. For all of the love I have given and experienced in my life- this love is different.Not better or worse, but its own. I am not saying this is my fairy tale ending and I am riding off into the sunset. I am not saying we rival Romeo and Juliet or any character that may come to mind when you think of love between two people. This is something real and complex.

I don't know what the future holds. I think people are too determined to make everything permanent. Nothing is permanent- why we as people, and myself specifically, fight so hard against the temporary, I don't comprehend. Everything is temporary just to varying degrees.

This love has changed who I am and how I view life in general. Regardless of what happens in life- this love has touched me and changed me. I am glad for that. Glad I took risks to develop this love. I am grateful I have received this love in return.

I have no regret in this. No matter what happens, your love has made a difference for me and you will always be forever on my heart. Thanks for opening yourself up to me. Thank you for returning my love. As the saying goes, to the world you may be one person, but to this one person you truly mean the world. <3

What I want

I know I have not updated my blog in a while. I feel kind of weird about it. I am so up and down all the time I just don't know what to write. I am writing today because if I don't I am pretty sure my head and heart is going to explode.

I had coffee with my brother yesterday. We had a very interesting talk about happiness and life and how life is short and you have to make your happiness before it is too late.

Here is part of the problem for me. I have this dream, this desire, this calling almost. It is one thing in life I want so bad, the most important thing. I want a family of my own. I want to be a mom. It eats at me every day. I have not been in a relationship in which being a mom is a possibility. I am glad I have not had a child for that fact. However, I am 34 years old. That is pretty old in terms of beginning a family. I have good reason to believe that conceiving a child is going to be a challenge for me- if not an out right impossibility. I am open to all options. I would love to have a biological child with the man I love. I would adopt a child. I would even do it on my own with the support of my family and friends if I truly evaluated myself to be capable of giving a child a wonderful life in that manner. I want this. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I can't have children because maybe I wouldn't be a good mom. Also, it is not just a child I want, but a family. A mom and a dad working together to enjoy life and raise another human being in order to give them an opportunity at a good life. I'd like to not work for a few years and give my child the best upbringing I can. These dreams seem impossibly out of reach to me and I can't think of what I need to do to make this dream a reality.

My heart is so broken over this. I can't write this without crying and I actually would like to go home and be alone because this emotional pain is simply unbearable today. Why has my life turned out this way? Am I being punished? I know I have made so many mistakes, but this is just too much hurting. I have no idea what I am going to do.