I know I have not updated my blog in a while. I feel kind of weird about it. I am so up and down all the time I just don't know what to write. I am writing today because if I don't I am pretty sure my head and heart is going to explode.
I had coffee with my brother yesterday. We had a very interesting talk about happiness and life and how life is short and you have to make your happiness before it is too late.
Here is part of the problem for me. I have this dream, this desire, this calling almost. It is one thing in life I want so bad, the most important thing. I want a family of my own. I want to be a mom. It eats at me every day. I have not been in a relationship in which being a mom is a possibility. I am glad I have not had a child for that fact. However, I am 34 years old. That is pretty old in terms of beginning a family. I have good reason to believe that conceiving a child is going to be a challenge for me- if not an out right impossibility. I am open to all options. I would love to have a biological child with the man I love. I would adopt a child. I would even do it on my own with the support of my family and friends if I truly evaluated myself to be capable of giving a child a wonderful life in that manner. I want this. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I can't have children because maybe I wouldn't be a good mom. Also, it is not just a child I want, but a family. A mom and a dad working together to enjoy life and raise another human being in order to give them an opportunity at a good life. I'd like to not work for a few years and give my child the best upbringing I can. These dreams seem impossibly out of reach to me and I can't think of what I need to do to make this dream a reality.
My heart is so broken over this. I can't write this without crying and I actually would like to go home and be alone because this emotional pain is simply unbearable today. Why has my life turned out this way? Am I being punished? I know I have made so many mistakes, but this is just too much hurting. I have no idea what I am going to do.
Heather,
ReplyDeleteI completely understand how you feel. I grew up wanting a family. I was told when I was 24 that I would never have children. This broke my heart, it's what I had wanted for years. It took me a long time to come to terms with never having children, eventually I accepted it and wanted to adopt, if my partner would be ok with that. I had to tell any man I was serious with that I would probably never have kids and see if he ran or stayed with me. Then I got married and we were told about invitro. It was a chance, but it opened up a huge emotional tornado for me. I had just spent years learning to accept the fact that I couldn't have children, now the doc is telling me I have a chance?? I was a mess once again. I got lucky, invitro worked for us. I now have twins. I did lose one, the triplet did not survive. I was overjoyed until my husband changed and started being violent. I am now a single mom, I place I never thought I'd find myself, but I wouldn't change it for the world :) I hope you find peace and I will talk to you if you ever need it.
Holly
You will be a great mom!!! I've seen you in action and I believe that some day you will have the family or child you so deserve and were made to love :)
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