Decisions

I have never been one for making decisions. I can never make a choice. Looking back upon my life all I can see is a series of really bad choices. I have made some good choices too, but the bad ones have been REALLY bad. So here I am faced with a horrible choice. Do I pursue what is completely unknown and take the steps I need to make having a family a possibility? In order to do this, I have to end my relationship. I love my boyfriend so much. He is such a kind and gentle soul. He is such a fun, funny, and adventurous person. H makes me so happy. It seems so unfair that I have fallen in love with such a wonderful person only to have to contemplate giving him up to chase a dream that may or may not ever come true. On top of that I have to consider the sacrifices and rewards of something that may or may not ever happen for me, something I know nothing about- to have children. What does this say about me and my convictions? What does this say about me and my love when I even have to think about it in order to decide? Shouldn't this decision be a no brainer in one way or another? One thing I do know is that I have to do something to stop waking up depressed every day. I have to do something to put an end to the stress and worry and tears that assault me every day making it impossible to do my job, impossible to enjoy the loving and joyful moments in each day. Someone told me to choose happiness. That is all fine and good, but here is what I know. I am with a man who brings me joy and happiness everyday and I love our life together. I also know that I have always wanted to have children. I don't however know if I can have children. I don't know if I would be a good mom. I don't know if I have the strength of character and emotion to be a mom. I of course, can't be a mom on my own. That much I know about myself. However, how could I leave a man I love in order to find a person to have the family I long for with? How can I leave someone who I have so much love in my heart for and be with someone else? It seems like a farce. Why have I chosen so many paths in my life that make these decisions necessary in the first place. I am not 24, I am 34 and time just is not on my side any more. I made choices that have left my life in turmoil. Now I have something good in my life- how can I possibly walk away from that? I can't. None of this is fair to him. That burdens me so much. I never want to hurt him, he has always been so good to me and he has always been upfront with me. I feel like a jerk. I am so lost and so sad and I just don't know what to do. Here I am longing for a more simplistic life yet am wrestling with the idea of making my simple life so much more complicated.
For today I will focus on work and prayer. I just need to focus on what is at hand in the present so I don't screw up what little stability I actually have. This is just way too much for me. It is not a decision anyone can help me with. I know I have my friends who will love and support me either way. Even Curtis has told me that no matter what decision I make, he is behind me 100% and that even if we part, he will still be my friend and that he doesn't want to stand in the way of my dreams. Oh how I wish it could be him. Everyone comes into your life for a reason and a season, I am not ready for our season to be up. I never want our time to end. I am so overwhelmed.