I am so torn between what I want and well....what I want. I have made the decision that I want to pursue a family of my own. The problem is, my love, he does not want the same thing. This has changed everything. Just a few weeks ago we were basking in the glory of our love and friendship. Now we are sad all the time. Clinging to one another with love in the hopes that we will find some way to survive this.
The truth is, we will not. This is just too big to overcome.
I will not be happy unless I give it my best to have children. So what to do now? Neither of us wants this to be over. Our relationship has been so wonderful, we have made each other very happy. The truth is it is over. :( This is sad and heartbreaking.
This leads to the question: Now what? I have no idea how to proceed from here.
I know what I need to do. Well, I know part of what I need to do. I need to focus on myself and identify my true desires in life. I need to nurture and take care of myself. I need to get to know myself and set priorities for my life. I need to deepen my relationship with God. I need to lose weight (30 lbs to go) and I need to take care of my health. I need to get myself financially healthy.
I do not however, know what to do about our relationship. I have so much fear of losing my best friend. I fear for him and what he will do with his life, where will he go, and will he be safe emotionally. We can't even discuss the next step at this point. All I can do is cry when I think of it. There is so much about him I will miss. I hate feeling unsettled like this and I am just at a loss as to what to do.
I pray for the right answers, but I know what has to be done and am just to sad and afraid to do anything about it. I am truly stuck here and wish I knew what to do next.
H
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It is so hard when you and your mate want different things, especially when it's something big like children. When you say you "know what you need to do"...Knowing is like preparing to leave base camp, of which the summit, I believe lies in heaven. It is a mountain climb that we will walk, crawl, or be carried by those who love and support us for the rest of our lives. When hiking it is always important to be prepared, I urge you to deepen your relationship with God. He alone can point you in the right direction. He will keep your compass on the path to contentment. God doesn't promise it to be easy or pain free, but he does promise to give you strength and to give you peace. I read a great book called, "Calm My Anxious Heart" by Linda Dillow. It may be a hard book for you to read, your heart is so raw, but I urge you to try it. It is a stepping stone to strengthing your relationship with God. If there is one thing I have learned over the years it is God gives me the tools I need (to lose weight and to fix my financial situation.) I just have to let go of the control and trust him! (It's the control thing I have so much trouble with.) He will surround me with the tools I need for the job! I pray for your heart to find joy! -Lots of Love- Holly
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