Update #6

We went to see the surgeon today to have mom's staples removed and get the pathology results. The cancer is actually breast cancer that has spread to her colon. She had breast cancer in 1988 and 1994. 16 years later it spread to her colon and is going to kill her. That is so heartbreaking.

I have decided to go home for a while. I really don't want to, but my mom says she would like me to go home because she wants me to be able to work so we are not in a financial bind. She says she would prefer for me to come back when she gets sicker. Of course, I want to be with her when she is well. I am torn, but I booked my ticket back home on Saturday.

When I get home, I am going to get my bills paid, and talk to my landlords about staying on a month to month without a lease for the time being. I am going to watch my pennies and save to come back at a moments notice and talk to the district about what my options are for taking leave. I need to get this all figured out, but I guess for now it is best to come home. (beautiful doubt)

I am beside myself about the whole situation. I am unsure what to do and I hate leaving, but I guess it is the best course of action for right now. She goes to the oncologist on Thursday and maybe I can get a better picture of things then. Ugh.

I never know when I am making the right decisions and honestly I make the wrong ones all too often in life.

I am really not sure how this is going to change my life when I get home. I know I will never be the same and I am not sure how that will translate in the day to day. I don't have a lot of faith in the things surrounding me right now and I hate standing on this unstable ground.

Strength in isolation?

Not for me. I cannot stand that I am left standing here with my heart in my hands. I don't want much just a little concern for what I am going through by a person I have given so much to and care about so much. We all have our own haunts to deal with, but we cannot shut out others. How can you shut out someone you once labeled your "number one supporter" when their life is also falling apart? You are in pain, I understand that, as am I. All I want is one freaking phone call from you.
Today is a scary day. We go to the Dr. this morning to find out the prognosis for my mom and I have to decide if I will return to Washington or remain in Alabama.

At least I now understand that I have nothing to return home to other than my job so maybe that will make my decision that much easier.

I am trying to be understanding of your plight, but since we don't talk I don't know what is going on with you and all I can see is that I am left here to deal with my own trauma alone. This is not going to work for me. This is the only time I will really ever need you. If you can't be here for me now, that doesn't bode well for any kind of future.

I give up!

Christmas

Ah Christmas, one of the most wonderful and heartwrenching times of the year.

My dad got sick in November, I recall the first, sad, sad Christmas after his diagnosis. Now this year, mom's diagnosis left us feeling just as fearful and empty as we were 11 years ago.
I guess sometimes there really is a silver lining. I have spent the last 3 weeks giving back to my mother some of what she has given me. What better way to thank someone. I am always wanting the love I give to be given back to me and I've had that opportunity, to give back, this past month. I will continue to give- all that I have.

During this time I have had an amazing time bonding with my niece. I have always adored Christrina. She is unique, smart, funny, beautiful. This trip, however I got to see another side of her. She is a young woman of amazing character and sensitivity. She is mature beyond her years and she has made this whole situation much better for me.

We had a wonderful Christmas, Christi and I spent days preparing. We cooked, cleaned, wrapped and made gifts, it was beyond fulfilling. My mother actually squeeled with delight over some of her gifts. The house is spotless and we are all happy and full. We (Christi, Trina, and I) ate dinner together (Chris was napping due to the flu and mom had to eat in bed) then we ended our night playing Train. I love Trina, this was the first time in many years we just chilled together. My brother was great and cleaned and put in home movies. I love you both.

I have a great family. I am so blessed. We are all nuts, and we stick together, that is really important. With a blended family that is so difficult, but I feel as though I have two wonderful families. I am sad about the circumstances. I am sad I have not done more to make every Christmas like this, not just in light of a tragedy. I want to build a wonderful family of my own, just like mom did.

What a wonbderful and heartwrenching Christmas. I am glad I got to be a part of it.

RMC- Alexander City Alabama

Russell Medical Center

This corporation took my mother's life. If they had notified my mom or her doctor of the tumors that they SAW and REPORTED on the Radiology taken last December, she would have had a good chance of living. They took her life.

I am so angry today.

Update

I tried to do an update but ended up saving it in drafts. Lets just say last week was really bad for mom. By Thursday I was sure we were going to lose her. As I sit here writing this post she is puttering all around the kitchen, she just gave me a sly look when I called her out on turning my coffee off and she is in great spirits. It has been a long time since I have seen her as happy as she was last night when Dr. Cassidy told her she could go home. Before I could even get her bags packed she was playing cupid and eating a sandwich. She slept like a baby last night and it is just so good to have her home. My cousin is coming over to hang out with her so I can go run some errands, but truthfully, mom is doing so well and is so strong, she could likely stay by herself for a bit today.

I am so happy.

update #4

The sitter we lined up for momma is not going to work out. She does not have enough availability. How on earth am I going to leave her here in the care of strangers? How am I going to be able to leave her at all not knowing how long she has to live? I have to work though. The doctor confirmed today that we are dealing with stage 4 cancer. He has not told her yet, he is concerned that she won't be able to handle the news and will just give up. I think she knows though, she is a smart woman and she has been taking care of patients for 40 years-she knows. She was depressed and weepy this morning. She didn't show that to me though, sheltering me to the end I suppose. That is what mommas do, protect their children. Now must try to find some people I can trust to take care of her when I cannot. I have no idea what is best at this time- I hope the answers will come to me. I feel so inadequate. I just want her to be as comfortable and happy as she can be and I want to be with her as much as I can- and then some.


I just left mom all settled at the nursing home. She is in great spirits and seems to be in less pain- this is good especially since they have cut off her pain meds. She will be home in no time- I better get to cleaning and Christmasing....

HFH

Update #3

Rumor has it mom may be discharged from the hospital tomorrow. I hope she is ready. Uncle Mike and I went and toured 2 nursing homes for her to go to for a couple of weeks. Let me tell you, they were both awful! One was worse than the other though so we are able to get her a private room in the lesser of the 2 evils.

She is talking about doing chemo- that is a good thing and a bad thing. It is good because it could possibly extend her life a couple of years. Could- no guarantees. It is bad because Chemo is hell and we all know it. There is really no good outcome here.

Mom talked to me a lot tonight about her will and instructions for burial, etc. It was AWFUL. I just am beside myself right now. Uncle Mike has to go back to North Carolina in the morning. I am concerned about him leaving. I don't know how I am going to manage without him. This is just so difficult and really WAY to difficult for me to handle on my own.

I am so lost and alone. I don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do.

One foot in front of the other I guess.

HFH

Update #2

Well, mom was moved out of the ICU today and given solid foods. She will be released from the hospital by Wednesday. From there she will be going to a rehab center (nursing home) until she is strong enough to move herself into and out of bed and until the pain from the surgery has subsided. She was super cranky and extra cantankerous-if you know mom, you know that means she is on the mend. The grumpier she gets, the sooner she will get herself healed up and home.

The most frustrating thing is that a year ago she went to the ER with severe stomach pain. At the ER, she was given a CAT scan and the Doctor told her it was "negative". Well, I suppose it WAS negative for whatever he was looking for, but the surgeon says the scan shows OBVIOUS thickening of the lining of the colon- an early indicator of the type of cancer she has. So instead of dealing now with advanced stage colon cancer, we could have been dealing with something much easier to treat. I don't know what that would have done in terms of her prognosis, but it is devastating to think that it could have been easier on her, that it could have been treated more effectively, that we could have more time with her. She wants to get a lawyer and I understand her anger. I just cannot believe that this was missed...I am beside myself right now with this news.

I am doing ok today. I am feeling fairly optimistic about her situation. I still feel like my timing is all wrong. I am unable to do anything to help her and she won't even be here for at least a week, maybe more. Now the sick leave I took will not be available if I need to come back. I guess I need to stop letting it drive me crazy. I had no idea what I was coming into. I am so frustrated and not quite sure how to make it bother me less. I would have been beside myself with worry, but the main thing is that she get what she needs- I hope I can do it.

I just got off the phone with Ryan, he reminded me that me being out here is not about what I can DO for my mom, that my mere presence is what is needed. Thanks Ryan, I really needed to hear that <3.

UGH!

What am I doing here? I am completely second guessing myself right now. Mom is in the ICU and asleep most of the time. She simply does not need me here right now. I should have waited to come down. I had to take about a week and a half off of work and she may need that time when I can be more useful than just sitting here waiting for her to be released from the hospital. I am feeling so depressed and useless today. I really hate dealing with myself in these situations. I am just so unsure all the time. I do know that me sitting here is doing nothing. Maybe I will go sit at the hospital, but yesterday she asked me to leave so she could sleep. I don't want to disturb her and my Uncle is there already, I don't want to overwhelm her. UGH I should have stayed home until the 17th.

Sexist?

I would not say that I am sexist. However, I do know that I follow some "gender rules" for sure. Being down here a few days I can see why- like how the surgeon would make eye contact with Uncle Mike, not me. Now, I am not down here playing the weeping, distraught daughter card. I am calm and in control and getting things done. However, this man would not make eye contact at first. Now after about a half an hour of talking he started to realize that I have some intellect- that I was asking the right questions, not twirling my hair, and comprehending most of what he said without the use of a medical dictionary.

All that said, I am glad Uncle Mike is here because he can simply do some things I am incapable of- he is pragmatic and that is what a need a little pragmatism to get me through. He got all the stuff to the VA (Vetran's Affairs) office and he is finding out about social services and lists of care givers, etc. Also, he can fix this broken cabinet, broken cold water spigot in the kitchen, and do something about getting these leaves blown for me. I am sure I could have gotten these things taken gare of, after all, I know where "Handy man" falls in the alphabetic sequence and know how to dial a phone, but I will admit- I found a screwdriver and thought "see she has all the tools we need".

Thank God for Uncle Mike!

Update #1

Well, everyone wants to be updated and I simply cannot keep up with all the phone calls and texts. Plus we can't use our phone in the ICU so I have decided to update here as much as possible. If you do not know what I am talking about and need to be contacted in person, please do not read on- call me. I think all the family is finally in the loop now though. I hope this does not seem too impersonal, but after all it is 2010 so information distribution is a little different these days.

On Monday, mom went in for a colonoscopy and they found a mass. On Wednesday, she went in to have it removed. At this time we do not have the official pathology report but we are certain that she has colon cancer. It is likely that it has been there for at least a year- she got very sick last year and this time and got an abnormal CT. She was unaware that the CT was abnormal- we are not sure what happened there- malpractice? denial? hopefully we will get some answers once she is feeling up to it. The cancer is stage 3 or 4 and incurable. However, if she concedes to treatment, she could have years still. Without treatment, the prognosis at this point is unknown.

The most important thing right now is to get her walking and moving and out of the ICU. If she does not follow doctor's orders, she is actually in more danger right now from the surgery than from the cancer itself. So far, she is complaining, but doing what they tell her. We hope she will be home in time for Christmas.

Beyond that, she is reflecting upon dad's experience with cancer treatment, her previous bouts of treatment for breast cancer and her time as a hospice nurse and is stating that she will not do treatment. We will see if she continues to feel this way in the upcoming weeks. This is really not the time to be discussing treatment, right now all we want is for her to heal up and get out of the ICU.

As for me, I am here at mom's house with my Uncle Mike. He is helping me take care of some things, process the information, and just generally keeping me company. My niece Christrina is also here and we are helping one another cope. We visit mom- but our visits are rather short as she is in and out of sleep and needs a lot of rest at this time. I am being strong. I am not sure where this strength came from, the only thing I can think is that I am in shock. We are cleaning house, planning Christmas and otherwise just keeping our minds occupied.

I will post more as I know more. If you are trying to get a hold of me and can't please understand that I don't have access to my phone all day and that I am pretty beat at night. I appreciate the support of my friends, family and colleagues. Thank you all so much for the love and concern.

If you would like to contact mom the address here is:

76 Turtle Ln
Dadeville, AL
36853


HFH

Dear Momma

I am glad I'm here momma. Even in the hospital so sick, you still look stunning. I hope I can do my best for you. I am glad I came out, the look in your eyes when you realized I was standing there was worth everything.

I feel really lost and scared. I won't show you that, but I am a little paralyzed from time to time. Thank you for being a strong woman and teaching me to be the same. You have taught me a lot. Please don't worry about anything but getting better and coming home. I love you momma.

Love,

Heather Fay

Overthinking at its best

We all have to be good at something. I am an award winning over thinker. I can literally sit here and think until I am as exhausted as I would be after a marathon. I have so much to do, but am mired in my own mental muck. I have things I want to do, but would gladly choose a nap over pursuing any of these things. I am tired of the pursuit. I am weakened from the thoughts assaulting my heart and mind. I know that if I got something done, I would feel better, but motivation is elusive today. I think I may just go lay my head down...just for a little while.

Beautiful

I am grateful for the snow.

There is something about being alone, with the lights off and the snow falling silently outside. It is good to be alone with your thoughts, concerns and hopes when the whole world seems to be quiet with you.

Outside it looks like diamonds- Inside I feel like diamonds.

I have been doing a lot of contemplating lately. Remembering moments from my history marveling at how different I have become. I don't know if I would stamp myself "Improved" but I am most certainly different. I feel, think and behave differently.

I'm ready for new things. I have let go of anchors that have held me so tight for so long. It feels good.

It is a bit frightening at times- to go peacefully. I have always run on fear. I still hold loads of fears and insecurities. However, they do not run me. I have other things that fuel me now.

I heard or read something some time ago. It could have been weeks or months, I don't recall. Something that said I should do what I believe to be right.

Regardless of what others may think or how they may judge, I should just do what I feel is right.

I have been practicing that- it is awkward, foreign- wonderful. I may feel uneasy for a moment, but each day, when I see myself either in physical or mental reflection I feel good about me and what I stand for.

I spoke with Nicole Lawrence today, and old friend from Kansas City, we had a nice little reunion. It reminded me of an incident that happened many years ago. It is not a moment I am proud of, but I was lost- somehow. I am not sure what transpired to make that change, but I don't miss that girl- not at all.

Tonight I long for the quiet; to let the snow fall outside and imagine that the whole world is quiet with me.

My life is good. I feel beautiful- in a variety of ways. Tonight that is all I really need.

a baby

I want a baby. I am tired of waiting for the right man to come along to create my family. I am going to focus on what I want, the type of life I want to live. I see no reason to continue to wait for my prince charming. I am going to find a way to make this happen for myself. I can do this. Millions of women do this. Why should I be any different? This is going to be my focus. My first step will be to get myself physically healthy. I will go from there.

White Flag -as suggested by a friend

She can't pretend her way through the life that has disintegrated into hers any longer. The reality is too painful and the absence of fantasy strikes her to her knees.

"I am waving my white flag. Not to you, hopes and dreams. Not to you truth and lies, but to all of you."

She cannot speak this aloud,only her thoughts resound- no one hears her either way.

Her path has been littered the same as any one's; with hurt and hope and joy and despair. Some people are meant for bravery some are just weak. The girl hoped to be strong, imagining strength of spirit growing over her like a suit of armor.

Then one day she woke up.

She woke up.

She realized she was weak. That she didn't have it in her to develop a guard. She is incapable of building a wall.

She is weak.

What does one do once they realize that weakness is their only virtue?

They give up.

They walk away.

They wave their white flag and tell the world, "It is not that I surrender, I am simply giving up. I will not dwell within your confines, I will cease to exist within my own"

And now she will swim or fly or sleep- the mode matters not- it is the void she seeks and however she gets there is well enough to her.

As long as the void will be her final prize for cowardice.

Depression

I hate being depressed. I went to bed last night at 7:30. I fell asleep by 8:30 and DID NOT want to get out of bed this morning. Once I did, I thought "I am so glad it is Thursday and the week is almost over." I do not want to live a life that necessitates the bed time of an 80 year old and just waiting for time to pass. What am I doing? 34 years old and just waiting until it is time to die?

This is simply unbearable.

I am not sure what to do about it. I can't pinpoint why I am so depressed. I have some suspicions about why I am blue, but there is really nothing so wrong with my life that I should feel this down for this long is there?

What the hell am I waiting and longing for? I don't know. I just want to have things to do, but when things come up, I am too tired or too morose to take people up on the offer. I have done nothing this week for Spirit Week- just not in the mood. I have not decorated my house for fall, my favorite season. I am still walking most days, meeting friends for coffee, trying to read, but I just can't seem to get with anything. I can't sit through a movie, I can't talk on the phone, I can't focus my attention. My mind is all over the place. When I climb into bed, I can shut my brain off, which is unusual for me, but all I want is the numbing remedy of sleep.

My temper is quick and my tears are even quicker. What is going on? What am I going to do about it? I have filled up 30 pages in my journal in the last week and walked at least 30 miles, but nothing feels better. The last time I felt good about something was last sat pm/ Sunday am, but that all came crashing down Sunday afternoon and I have just not been able to get my mojo back.

I really want to take the day off work today, but I don't have sub plans and I know that would be the worst possible idea because then what would I do? Sit around here all day and obsess about my depression-no thanks.

This had better end soon! I can't just wish it away though...I need to do something about it. I just wish I knew what to do. Any action would help I think. I am not good at just laying low and not taking action, but whenever I engage- I seem to dig and endless pit for myself. Maybe if I could identify what is bothering me I could eradicate it, but again usually any action I take just makes things worse.

If there is any feeling in this world I hate it is helplessness.

How will I ever achieve what I want if I feel like this?

Sigh.

Abundant Confusion

I am so overwhelmed by the thoughts in my head today. I would love to tak the day off just to sit by myself and try to figure stuff out. However, a freidn told me yesterday that confusion is not a call to action. They said that when you are confusd you should just sit with it and let the fog clear rather than initiating a set of actions designed to figure out what is going on. I think this is the best advice I have recieved in a long time. So that is my plan for the next couple of days. I am going to lay low, sit with my confusion and see if the fog will clear.

What I do know is I want to feel warm, loved, and happy. I am not feeling that way in my life right now. I am feeling confused, frustrated, and sad. I do not want this for myself. In fact, I actually think I deserve a more simple, preaceful, loving existance. I believe I need to provide this for myself and re-build my life from that place.

I am trying to avoid the idea that I am depressed, but I do believe I am quite depressed right now. I can't make good decisions in this state. So I am suspending all decision making at this point. Anything that is worth it will still be there when the fog clears. Anything that is gone after this period wasn't worth it to begin with.

Oh how I would love to claim today for myself. Unfortunately, I dont have that luxury. I need to get myself to work and be the best I can be today for the kids. Oh well, it is Wednesday, the weekend is almost here. I need to get something to wear for serpentine, and take a walk, and maybe go meet the baby.

On Friday I get to go spend some time wiht some new people in my life that mean a lot to me, I am looking forward to that. Until then, I think I just outta lay low and reflect on what I have, who I am, and what I want.

Even though you kid around and I know that some of it is joking, it reeally is messing with my mental. Is that the aim? If so, that is fine, but I dont like it. It leaves me feeling low and uncomfortable. I have spent a great many of my years feeling low and uncomfortable. I dont want to spend another moment feeling that way if it can be avoided. I am not so niaeve to believe life is going to be all peaches n cream, but I can try to avoid the bright blinking signs of discomfort. I hope you will work with me on this. I hope we can make a go. Lord knows I have been trying....

Disappointment

I find myself struggling with disappointment once again.

At work, I am giving my blood sweat and tears to my program. I work every day, every night, and every weekend. School gets the majority of my physical and mental energy each week as well as a great deal of my emotional energy. Everyday, there is a constant cacophony of bitching in my ear: students, parents, co-workers. I told my kids the other day that negative comments are like throwing a rock in a pond. It has a ripple effect and touches everyone around them. How am I supposed to teach them to stop whining and do something about it when many of the adults around here are blatantly modeling this bitching behavior? How am I supposed to squelch this constant negativity when I am not given the proper tools I need to do my job successfully. I have run into a road block nearly everyday since this school year started. I have mustered my way through, but I can feel the exhaustion gripping my mind, heart, and soul. How long will I be able to hold up under this level of demand?

My personal life is not much better. I have devoted a great deal of care and energy into a person who has a lot going on in their life. A person who needed the support and even expressed appreciation for it. However, it is a two way street. While my problems may not be as big as his, I am important too. I need support on occasion. I don't need much, just someone to talk to. I just need someone to listen to me- the way I listen to him. When I requested that, it was not possible. When he did try to listen, there was no way I could open up. Nothing like rejection to sink me deeper and deeper into myself. Texts and emails go ignored. I understand he is dealing with stuff, but I really could use a friend too.

I am at my desk- it is lunch and tears are just streaming down my face. Tears of exhaustion, frustration, and rejection. I really need some rest. I really need some TLC. I really need out of here. I have almost made it- just a little further.

A reflection

My heart is pretty heavy tonight. I ache for Richard and the McLaughin family.

I am disappointed for myself professionally after a serious oversight by only person with the power to get me what I and my students need to be successful.

I am proud about how I am conducting my life and myself at the moment....mostly.

However, I really need to focus on some things. This is what I have come up with.

I know that if I learn to be patient, everything I want will be at my fingertips.
I know that if I am diligent, everything I need to do will get accomplished.
I know that if I am quiet, knowledge will have room to grow.
I know that if I persevere, wisdom will be the result.
I know that if I can love myself and be my friend, I will never REALLY be lonely again.

I know I've gotta put in some work.

The inevitable

Well, I always knew it was inevitable.

Now that it is finally here, I certainly have mixed feelings about it.

One minute it is no big deal. I mean I knew it was coming, so I should not be surprised. It didn't take me too long to recognize, but admitting is taking its time.

The next minute it is sad. I mean so much fun and what now?

Part of me wants confirmation- not that I really need it. However, I get confused when I let myself think what I want to think. Without confirmation I am just dragging it out.

Don't get me wrong, I am going about my life. At night it is difficult because my little mind gets itself all wound up. I will be ok. It is not the end all be all. I kept myself on guard enough to see to that, but I am not going to lie, I hate to see it disappear more than I hoped I would.

Damn.

Breathe

Do you ever notice how you hold your breath in times of distress? Without a thought we do that all the time. I have been holding my breath a lot these past few months. I admitted the truth, faced a challenge, lost a connection, traveled into and away from myself, expanded my circle and spirit, let my guard down, started an new school year...and it still keeps coming.

Sometimes I realize I am holding my breath. When I don't breathe, I get anxious, irrational, stressed, depressed, angry and morose. When I stop and breathe, it doesn't take anything away, but like a lorazapam, it takes the edge off.

Tonight I am just stopping to look at the things I have done well, the accomplishments I have made, the joys I have had in the past 4 months. I know I have a lot to still face. I will once again prepare for battle- hold my breath- and fight a little each day. However, I can just take tonight to breathe. Stop and take a look around, smile at the good things that have come and move forward.

I have a very dear friend that I also hope is taking a breath, at least for tonight.

School is exceeding my expectations, I am exceeding my expectations. I have goals, I have friends, I have family. I am happy.

Love/ Hate

You can't have hate unless you care deeply about something.

Emotions are not black and white. They build upon one another and they possess the ability to be present in many forms and in many combinations.

I live with a heightened state of emotion. I'm not superior in any way, I just live on my emotions. My senses are off the hook. I live outside my skin and take everything in. I can't just feel something a little.

This can be good and bad, it can be very dangerous, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.

The Catcher in the Rye

I think it is an absolute travesty that I waited 34 years to read this book.

Maybe it was just the right time for me.

I am in love with this book.

I am in love with Holden Caulfield.

I am in love with JD Salinger.

I am in awe of the truths pressed between these pages.

Lonely

Here is some emotional tripe for you....

I am lonely. I am supposed to be "gettin in touch with myself when I am lonely" Well, I don't wanna get in touch with myself, or touch myself, or friggin sit here with all these ideas in my head and no one to share them with.

I don't want to go on some anxiety ridden first date with someone. I don't want to hang out with my girlfriends (sorry ladies). Don't get me wrong, first dates and typically the next week or so following one are amazing. I love that excitement and that high. My friends are the best friends in the world, but I don't want to sit and make idle chit chat with anyone tonight.

What I am lonely for is that other person just peacefully sharing your space. You know how you can just sit with someone and do your own thing, be quiet, but still have the companionship and maybe share a few laughs or bounce ideas and thoughts off of each other without effort and drama and emotion and fear? That is what I am wanting right now.

I don't want to have to text a thought and wait a half an hour for a response, or email someone, or IM, or whatever....I just want something solid and quiet- tonight.

This is not something I crave and miss everyday, but this is what is missing this evening. Sometimes I just want to go get to know someone new or hang out with the girls, or chit chat idly, or flirt relentlessly, but tonight I am missing the companionship.

I have been in a relationship since I was 22- so I just kind of miss it and most likely want it more because it is not an option right now. Why do I want this so much tonight? I don't want to go out, I don't want to be doted on or even really cuddled (ok cuddling and affection are always welcome, but not what I am needing at this moment), I just want to not be here alone with no on to talk to.

You know how this makes me feel? PATHETIC.

Supposedly I am to be spending this time getting comfortable with myself and sitting with uncomfortable emotions. LAME.

I don't need to get comfortable with myself- I am awesome. I am not perfect, but I am human and I am just fine and whole the way I am. I am not feeling insecure or ugly or stupid or whatever.

Supposedly this time is going to make me "ready" for when the "real" thing comes along. What a load of crap. The "real" thing is never going to come along because you make something real it does not just appear and be real. Even if it did, I am never going to be "ready" for it. That is stupid. People are just people. Relating to people is complicated, one is no more ready for that than they are ready for an audit, a baby, or death.

It is ignorant to think that I am preparing myself (or should be)for such a thing. I am not going to change. I am and others are just are who they are- no preparation needed. That is all just some BS you tell yourself to keep you from jumping in front of a train when you are lonely.

People need people- bottom line- some more so than others. I am off the scale when it comes to needing companionship. I hate being inside my own head because I am there 24/7. It is not that I don't LIKE me, it is just I am bored with my thoughts alone- I need some color, some new perspective. I just need a distraction.

Now, the fact that it needs to be an attractive male distraction, that could be a deep rooted issue, or maybe I am just a GIRL.

I think I am done with all the psychobabble bullshit about being in touch with and accepting of myself though. I know me. I love me. I just want some variety.

Anyway, what I am trying to say is....Im bored and I am lonely and I am fine, but all this thinking is a serious waste of time.

What? What? What???

I got on my scale this morning and it says I have lost 38 lbs since January!!! Now, it may not be the most accurate- I really ought to buy a digital scale, but I feel safe in saying I have at least lost 35- YAY me!! I am so proud of myself. I feel so good and look really good too, if I do say so myself!

An Apology

Ah guilt....one of my Top 5 favorite wasted emotions.....


I want to apologise to some of my friends. I have, in these past 3 weeks, been a fairly negligent friend. I have not called or emailed or made any effort to get together. I have been spending a good deal of time with family and countless hours in my classroom and even more untold hours sitting on my couch, floor, or porch contemplating life.

I don't know what I am going to do with this new life of mine. It has taken me many hours of thought and that is all I have come up with...."I don't know".

I am so tired today. I spend all night last night planning and preparing for school and I have barely scratched the surface.

It is so easy for me to fade into whatever I am doing at the moment. This school year is no different, but I know it will settle down soon. I hope to have some fun this weekend, not spend too much money, get some stuff done for next week, finish my wardrobe.

I have lost my balance. I need to regain it, but I am so out of practice.

I can barely keep my eyes open this morning. I hope the first day of school goes well. I am nervous- so much to do, at least it will go by fast and before I know it I will be home.....working.

Someone save me.

One way or another.....

....I'm not coming undone.

Yesterday was a total bombardment of information from hanging out with Debra, going to see Julianna, to a late night phone discussion with Ryan.

It is a lot to take in, but at least it all gives me something to work with rather than just spinning my wheels and succumbing to my own personal vortex.

I can't put it all here due to time and mental exhaustion and just the desire to keep much of it to myself.

I have drawn a few conclusions though.....

1. I am going to follow my emotions and always reach for what brings peace and relief.

2. I must cultivate myself and my own interests, both for myself (mostly for myself) and also to give another person an opportunity to get to know ME and decide weather or not they want to love ME and not the persona I think they want me to project.

3. I must open myself up to my friends and family as much as possible rather than locking myself away so much in my own thoughts.

4. I am not walking away, for now. I am just going to relax, and see what develops. I will protect my heart, but in all honesty, he is not the only one that needs things to go slow if at all.

Now, to the "first" day of school.

My Song

Woah- 2 blog day and it is only 10 am. Too much thinking is gonna kill me.

Actually I have been watching birds out the window, thinking and listening to music and a song came into my head. This really is MY song. I have lots of songs that represent moments and moods but this one song has, since the first time I heard it, represented me. Maybe not the me you know....maybe, I have no idea which me any of you know. THIS is the me I know. It is not sad so don't come rushing over here with tissues- if you wanna bring me a mocha or something, I am always down.

This song is nearly exactly how I feel inside- all my strengths, insecurities and hopes. I could give a more detailed analysis, but what's the point? if you have a question you can ask me.

I am not sad, just contemplative. I get far away physically and mentally when I get contemplative sometimes for a moment sometimes for a month- its just my way. I am often mistaken as being sad when I am working out something in my head, but I am NOT sad.

Sure I am a little flustered, but please don't misunderstand- I'm thinking, that is all. And because I am blogging it, I obviously need the feeling that someone is listening to me without having to face anyone- I am strange like that, I am dying to share and have someone listen, but I am horrible at expressing myself to someone if I have to actually look at them.

Anyway, here is my song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zY0yKxMwRGg


Funny, I think I have blogged this before- not here but on my old MSN blog that I am sure is still out there in cyber space....Ima look for it will be interesting to see what I said about it 5 years ago.

Honesty

Honesty is a really big deal to me. I have been lied to a lot and really, I have no one to point the finger at about that issue but myself. I take everything people say to me at face value. I don't really have the time to decipher truth from a lie, mainly because the truth often sucks and I don't like to hurt so I just bury my head and roll with it.


After a very interesting conversation with a friend last night...
(thanks for that by the way if you have decided to start reading my blogs, we don't often see eye to eye, but our conversation last night had an impact and while it brought up new things I have to face, I would say it placated me a bit)...I realize that the biggest issue I face is being honest with myself.

Now that was not said to me, but as I begin to put the pieces together; fantasy, reality and everything in between, I realized it all by my lil ol self. I am totally lying to myself about what I want right now. Justifying things that feel good even though ultimately most likely are going to keep me from what I truly, honestly want.

I am lying to myself about what I want- making it match what I have. C'mon Heather, lets put a little effort into this thing. Life is strange compounded by the fact that my brain and heart do not operate the way I want them to. I have got to get real with myself and get real with the people in my life if my goals are ever to be realized.

The problem for me is also time- time and timing. I want to be laid back and easy going but not to the point that I am lazy and just letting life happen to me. If I want something I must take action to get it. Instead, it seems, I take action to avoid what I want in order to either escape from it or to make myself appear to be something other than I am. The timing is not right- well, that is unfortunate because right now is really all I have to offer.

I really don't need to work so hard to be accepted. If I am not accepted- thanks for your time, it was fun, later. If I am accepted then I can just be myself. Maybe it is me who is unaccepting of myself. What really is it that I think is so wrong with me? Why must I internalize every little thing? Most of which has not one iota to do with me and the person I am.

I am actually a pretty decent person. I am independent, intelligent, funny, attractive, and self-sufficient. Why can't I just accept that and let the rest fall to the wayside?

You gotta keep your pitcher full so that you can fill others- that is a pretty choppy quote of a song lyric, but the point is there.

Bottom line, I gotta be honest with myself and get moving down the path I truly want to follow. If this is not the path, I must take a different route.

Confusion is (still) my middle name

Just when I think I have it all figured out, I have a complete shift in perspective. Part of me would like to complain about that, but if I am to be honest, and if I am not honest I really have nothing going for me, I love it.

Yes, I love not knowing what I am going to be doing, thinking, or feeling from day to day. Yesterday I had one set of ideals today hmmmm...maybe maybe not, don't know, not really sure I care.

I despise complacency. I think and talk like I just want some normalcy and stability, but I don't. Not really. As soon as I become complacent, I get bored and then I have to destroy whatever it was I persued above all else so that I can begin my next quest. I am glad that I have the opportunity to do that.

I understand that I am 34 and maybe I should grow up a little- but why? I don't have children, I don't have a husband or boyfriend. My only committments are to myself, Kaya, my family, friends, and work. Those things are important to me, but when it comes to how I feel and think, I only owe myself.

Maybe things will change in the future- I don't know- but for now I am going to revel in the fact that I can live with chaos and confusion and love it for what it is.

I will admit that I am not on cloud nine. I am not fully invested or passionate about anything and from time to time I am a little blue. However, I am glad for the place I am in right now. I am not sure I can deal with anything heavy at this point. So lets hope nothing heavy comes along. If it does I will cope- because I always do. For this moment, I am totally thrilled to be where I am, doing what I am doing and for this moment- that is enough for me.

He is leaving....

This is a phrase that resides behind a great many issues in my life. Right now I am talking about my nephew Phree, he moves to Hawaii on Monday and I am going to miss him. It is not the end of the world, he and his family have great opportunity before them, I will just miss him, that is all.

I have said this phrase many times in my life and with great impact, and truly sometimes it had very little impact at all.

I said it when my dad got sick. I actually had a conversation with him begging him not to leave. As if he had any choice. How painful I must have made that for him, but I was hanging on so tight. This had the greatest impact to date.

I always seem to be hanging on to everything tight enough to kill it.

I said it about an ex boyfriend. The main emotion behind that one was relief. I never thought I would escape him. In the end, the truth is I left. Whatever, the purpose was served and his finally leaving or my finally leaving salvaged my life. This was the most freeing experience of my life.

I have left, others have left. I will continue to leave and others will do the same. It is not just relationships or family members either. It is everyone.

Everyone and everything we know and love is transitory. We are transitory. Phree once said to me- the only constant in life is change.

On one hand I hate this- change and leaving. On the other hand I have much gratitude for it- thank God we can shed the dregs and inequities of our lives sometimes.

I wish you wouldn't leave- I wish you luck on your journeys. I gotta do what I gotta do, that in itself is a form of leaving.

I love you.

Soldier....

Warning: Do not read this if you have clicked here to read some blithe commentary on my life and the inner workings of my mind. This is one of my pithy, self-absorbed entries....

I am annoyed with myself and the state of my life at the moment, what better way to deal than spouting my personal issues on the Internet? Well, I can think of many more productive things to do, but I can also think of worse things.

So I had a deep discussion with someone today- to protect my own privacy and sense of pride I won't say who, but I will say she is correct, but that doesn't make this any easier to swallow.

I have to change my modus operandi on life. I am in the boat I am currently in because of decisions I have made in my life. I am not super pleased that I now have to change how I operate because the old way is broken. I like the old way! I know how to do it! Yes, it has really bad long term return but the short term makes me happy. This new "plan", if you will, sucks!

I now have to behave in a way that is uncomfortable for me because I need some long term returns- if I ever hope to get the life I want.

Now, I know the "old" way is stupid and pathetic, but I am an instant gratification junkie and now I am staring down the barrel of an unknown, uncomfortable, frustrating experience. Yes, it will ultimately reap great reward (maybe, it seems the more I interfere the more likely I am to get into trouble), but getting there looks so unappealing.

I must soldier on. I have to do this. I have to make this happen for myself. Intellectually I am aware, emotionally I just would like to go to bed or throw up my hands and give up.

I really don't need this right now, but it is really the only thing I need.

Home Sweet Home

I loved this trip! It was near-perfect- some sun and heat would have been cool, but other than that it was great.

I learned a few things on this trip- one, I kick like a girl- no real surprise there and according to Nicolas, Yellow is my lucky number (!?!?). Also, my brothers can be cruel (Alan, this is mini- golf not croquet you jerk!) and most certainly unusual, but camping with my family is nothing like punishment.

We enjoyed my little anxiety attacks as a group, like when Kaya crossed over the barrier at Dry Falls (several hundred foot drop) or when we hiked up a cliff to enter the Lanore Caves- leave it to me to get left behind while picking flowers, some things just never change.

Nic and I had some solid bonding time- I paddled him all over the lake for an hour- when asked if he would rather ride the aqua cycle with his dad, he said "No, you!" Awww little man loves me.

I had the distinct pleasure of enjoying a rite if passage when I introduced Nicolas to Battleship. I am completely star struck by this little man especially when he looks up at me and says "Your eyes look like Aquamarine".Save that one dude, it just might work if you can maintain that youthful sincerity.

When I was chastising Alan for being a mini golf bully (the word despicable echoing across the near silent campground) Nicolas runs up to me and, with panic in his eyes, implores "You still love me though, right?" Of course I love you little darling. I may never have the opportunity to be a mom, but I am already one hell of an auntie.

I spent some good time with Michele, walking and playing games, but nothing beats her squeal when she gets a hole in 2 on the course, you are a quiet, spunky little thing Michele. You are such a great mom to both Nicolas and Alan....

And Alan...where do I begin- go ahead and blame me for any repercussions of this blog, as you stated "cause girls ruin everything", I have to call you out on your nonsense because it is the thing I love most about you. Alan says to me "Everyone gets so hung up on phonetics!" Phonetics? Really, Al? Letters and the sounds they make? THIS is what everyone is so hung up on?? God, I love you, you ridiculous man.

We will be planning a family intervention soon. Mike, I have never seen someone so wound up on "Connectivity" and "Bars" in all my life. Take a vacation why don't you??? I love you but bro, I am seeing some of me in you and we all know how scary that is.

I am so glad we took that trip. Before we left, I could see myself getting caught up and worked up. Now that I am back, I am so relaxed. It was the perfect combination of fun with my family and relaxing in nature. We all know that I love natural beauty so much you will often find me at a beach or mountain drooling on myself, and Sun Lakes was no different. I feel peaceful and fulfilled.

Finally, I know daddy would be pleased. When we were kids, he took us to this spot- which is why we chose it for the site of this year's and our future family vacations. I could feel his approval and just wish our 4th was there- maybe she will join us next year.

I love you guys. Thanks so much for everything. I am glad you are my family.

TMI

I am the queen of TMI, take my blog as Exhibit A.

It is rare that I play my cards close to my chest- when I do, I have been told that I am very transparent.

I just don't think before I speak. Every person places an interpretation on things done or said. Our interpretations are rarely accurate. It is unfortunate. I have ZERO idea how people view me, when I try to assess it, I get supremely self-conscious, and anxious.

Lately, I have been trying to not worry about stuff, I'm 2 for 5 at this point,but I have gotten much better about living for today. Faced with some big mysteries and some confusing/frustrating/overwhelming situations, I have been holding my own. I am not freaking out or obsessively worrying, or beating myself up....ok, I do those things sometimes, but not as intensely.

I am not doing anything earth shattering. I just don't have massive waves up upheaval (think 2005-08). I just have a nice, calm, peaceful little life.

I am grateful. I will continue to be flawed, practice unsafe TMI, live with and without integrity, and continue to battle anxiety. But for tonight my hat is off to myself.

I am in a really good place, I have great people in my life, I'm thankful for the days I have.

In the mood....

Actually, I am not in the mood for much of anything today. At the same time I am in the mood for some adventure. I am torn and I am tired.

I want something new in my life. I can't put my finger on what it is, just something different, something new, something exciting.

I love what I do for a living, but frankly I am bored with it. The idea of writing a syllabus, ordering copies, planning lessons, and creating and analyzing assessments makes me want to go to bed and pull the covers over my head until June. I am just so bored and unmotivated towards work. I wish I could come up with something different to do with my days and keep my mind working.

I like the intellectual stimulation of my job, but it just scratches the surface- there is so much more potential in me to use my mind and I am struggling to find an outlet for that.

All of this leaves me feeling lazy, lethargic, and under stimulated.

My personal life is pretty good. I have lots of good friends that like to do different things with me. As I sit here today trying to decide how to spend this Saturday, I am drawing a blank. I have lots of things to choose from, but nothing really appeals at the moment. I feel like I want some adventure and companionship, but I don't know in what form. Everything I think of is entertaining and accessible, but I am left with an overwhelming feeling of blah.

Maybe what I am in need of is a major change. Maybe relocation? I just am unsure what direction to even look in.

I hate restlessness. I wish I could be content to stay here all day and read, get ready for my trip, do some work for school, but I am not. I keep reading this book and in each paragraph find my mind wandering. It is not wandering in any particular direction, maybe if it was, I would have some idea of how I really want to spend my day. I keep thinking of all the stuff I outta be doing for school, but I can't even imagine actually sitting down and getting started. I feel so distracted.

I think this little vacation with my bros will help re-energize me, I certainly hope so.

I don't want to sit around trying to figure out what I want, I just want to do. There is a saying "Everything gets worse before it gets better" - maybe this is my lull before something really great and exciting happens- lets hope so, boredom does not suit me.

Control

What in life do we really have any control over?

I know this is not just a mystery to me. I don't believe that life is esoteric- I actually believe EVERYONE is out of the loop. Every day we choose labels. Why does everything have to have a label? For me all it does is serve to confuse me further and up the ante on my feelings of inadequacy.

I will admit this- I am out of control. I have never had a single day in my life in which I have been in control. All the times I have been in control really could use a new label "lying". Life just isn't like that. When we try to put controls on everything what we are actually doing is putting ourselves on lock down. It doesn't work. We can lie to ourselves and make up rules, but it is all in vain.

On a nearly daily basis, I wish I could remove my heart from my chest, lock it in a box and hang a little sign from it that says "In case of emergency break glass". What good would that serve? Yes, maybe (just maybe) that would save me on tears and keep me out of great pits of depression. It would also save me from great joy and being the person that people love. There is no reward in this kind of thinking.

I'm going to get hurt- I know this for an absolute fact because the only way to avoid being hurt is to die and I just don't think it is my time. So be it. I'd rather live for today then protect myself from being hurt tomorrow. Again, I have no real control over what my heart decides and the paths my mind wanders and I am simply exhausted from the effort.

I can continue to lie- er I mean, be in control, but that is all projection- it is in no way real. I already am what I am, I already feel what I feel, I'm going to always do whatever I want to do because I am simply human. Yes, this has not served me too well in my 34 years, but you know what? There is no evidence that being any other way would do anything but exhaust me. Would fighting against everything I desire have made for a better today? My guess is that the answer is just the opposite.

I'm going to go with it. I will be sure to always have a box of tissues, a prescription for anxiety tabs, and a pint of ice cream. I can't stop it and I am done fighting it. My happiness is in today if tomorrow sucks, another today is just around the corner.

Confessions

I have a lot of confessions to make. I am not going to do it here. The confessions I need to make are really not to other people. They are more to myself.

Overall, I am quite happy with life, but I will admit that today my stomach is a den of stress. I hate how acutely we feel stress in our bodies. It is enough to host a turmoil party in my mind but when my stomach, neck, back and head get into the act it is nearly unbearable. I literally feel wound and feel if I let my guard down, I will go spinning. The majority of this lies in the fact that summer vacation is almost over and frankly, I am really not ready to go back to work. I was hoping to have myself way more settled before getting back to work. Today I am feeling miles away from settled. I know this will pass. I know going into work today will help after I have assessed the situation. After a little Top and Saracha I am going in (God, I need to get paid).

I also have some crazy emotions all stirred up in me- things that don't belong together, things I can't sort into neat little boxes and get a grasp on. Just feelings that are jockeying for position in my heart and mind. Confusion and questions with answers I don't know, maybe answers I don't want.

I guess these are really good things; fear, hope, stress, joy, and anticipation- signs that I am alive and free. Freedom exhilarates and overwhelms me. I am handling it well at the moment, but out of habit I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I was about to say "here is where I am stuck", the truth is, here is where I AM:

" Knowledge of self- you can't seek it, it happens through meditation, sitting quiet and alone and in contemplation" - The RZA in The Tao of WU

Lucky Girl

Fortunate may be a more appropriate descriptive.

What a very fortunate girl I have been today. I spent the morning walking for an hour and a half just letting my thoughts fly unfettered into the warm sunshine. I love this time to think and move and escape into my own dreams. I had a productive day, some clean clothes to wear, a shiny car...not too bad.

My brothers- man I love em- and Michele and Nicolas too. Sun Lakes is going to be amazing and I am so excited to know that this year is just going to be the first in a new family tradition. I had no idea you read my blog Mike, but you can be sure I will be hiding some Easter eggs for you in future posts. Stop treating me like the black sheep though, cause you're it bro. I love you but seriously - we will have lots to talk about on the drive to EWA.

My new friend shared his food, his thoughts, and some laughs with me before sending me on my way to one of the best Hip Hop shows I have attended in a long time. Life is always putting people in your path for various reasons. That is something to be thankful for.

Tonight was Phree's going away party and for me it was bittersweet.I am excited for this new chapter in your lives, but I will miss you tremendously. I always feel like royalty on the hip hop scene for being Phree's Auntie, but every one there would tell you they treat me like that because of my smile. What an amazing group of talented positive people- thanks Phree for bringing that into my life.

Ah, Phree.... DON'T CALL ME RYAN- honestly I had never thought of it that way. That was a little insight into the man you have become. I know it was a little off the cuff, but seriously thanks for sharing a piece of you with you fans and friends.

I know your mother failed you, but just remember that your grandma, grandpa, and auntie were there for you. I know growing up was rough, but I, for one, am so blessed to have you as not only my nephew, but my brother. You have had a major impact on me- I wonder if I have ever told you that.

You have been a supreme annoyance, a bitter rival, a trusted confidant, a partner in crime (both literally and figuratively) and really, always a little brother to me. I love you to the ends of the earth.I love it when you call me "Beautiful" because I know what that really means to you. When you rock the mic I burst with pride, your art is amazing, your presence is a gift to everyone. Don't be pissed that I take credit for you learning how to read ;)

Mo- Such a beautiful woman and mother. I fell in love with you instantly and you will now and always be my sister. Take care of my boys and know I am always here for you.

Magnus- go cut your teeth on some coconut trees, my little love. You have a special little universe around you most people don't have- make the most of it.

I am so filled with gratitude tonight. It is time to get some sleep- if tomorrow holds even a fraction of the fun, joy, family, and love today held, I can't wait to get to it!

Trepidation

Part of all of this "love myself", "take responsibility for myself", etc. that I am committed to putting into my life makes me face some pretty hard truths.

Today I am afraid. Ah, fear...my favorite wasted emotion. I take fear to bed with me like a security blanket. I have been married to fear for so long that all the relationship needs at this point is some lye. However, I hate to be stagnant so I learned something today- The only thing I have fear is myself.

So I thought about this logically....unfortunately trying to live life without myself is an impossibility so back to the drawing board. If I can't be afraid of you or him or it and I seriously realize that I only have me to fear....

Now I have settled myself down a bit, and I truly am trying to look at this logically. I only have myself to fear, but WHO is in control of me? I know this seem s like an obvious answer, especially to someone with a minor in psych who spends 9 months of the year trying to teach 100 kids to take responsibility for themselves. However, it is not easy.

I don't want to take responsibility for me! I am broken- I didn't break me, did I?

Yeah.

I did. I broke it and now I have to fix it. Sure, I come from a long line of really lovely broken people- but they didn't break me. Yeah, I spent four years in hell sleeping with the Devil- he didn't break me.

Hmmm....actually, I didn't break me either. In fact I am not broken- this is just a lie I have been gnawing on as long as I can remember. You see, being "broken" is just another way to avoid responsibility for yourself.

Ok, I think really blame IS what is needed in this situation. Today, I blame Pandora....all this alternative music is making me EMO- I need to wash off the black eyeliner and change the station....

I'm fine- nothing like a rambling blog rant to make me step back and laugh in the face of my own insecurities.

I'm not scared.

I am not broken.

I don't even care what happens.

I'm going to keep my emotions on my sleeve and not worry about explaining them or fearing them.

It is too beautiful to go to work and I am too introspective to remain cooped up in this house. I think I will go seek some adventure today.....

All about me

I need to write today- I have written in my journal twice or so. Its not cutting it so here I am.

I am a hot mess right now, but really in a good way. My big deal with life is that I just wanna be happy. So I'm trying new things- sort of, I am thinking differently and that is good.

As I read back on these old blog posts, I am a little appalled at the obvious need to love him, her, and them in order to express my feelings and love towards life. What do those pro-nouns really have to do with me? Don't get me wrong- I am loving and it does define me, but what I am looking for is the I love Me. I talk a good game, but it has only been recently that I have attempted to put the "I love me" into practice. It feels strange. It feels self-serving and rather negative, but the results are positive.

Right now I have a million things on my mind: school, my pro cert, my messy house, a man, my friends, my family, my spirituality, my intellect, my emotions. I am suprised to wake up each morning and find my head has not actually exploded. And I wonder why I am so anxious all the time...

I am no longer chasing happiness though. That is the best thing to come out of this summer. I am creating happiness- in moments. I find joy in my own akwardness- isnt that strange? I bought a couple of new pairs of jeans and got a high from doing something for myself that made me look and feel great. I am taking risks that may or may not be good for me, but finding great joy in the anticipation of the outcomes.I am chosing what to want and what to dismiss. I am creating happiness with my interpretation of moments and events. I am on a serious power trip- control over myself.

I feel alive. Some of this is due to the people I surround myself with, some is due to me. Thats different. I like it.

I am alone today and it feels so good. Sure I should be cleaning or shopping or reading or maybe having coffee with a friend, but I have just been having a staring contest with my thoughts since I got out of bed and I am winning- that too is a powerful feeling. To just sit with myself and Pandora, and be cool with the stuff that is living within me right now.

I am getting to know myself through reflection, listening to what people are feeding me, and watching how others respond to me. I love it. My confidence is high right now- taking care of me and my emotions is an aphrodisiac.

So maybe it is not really "All about me" maybe I am not completely capable of that sort of committment and focus. However, I have grown in leaps and bounds in this area. Now I can enjoy my own company without criticism, fear, and self-depreciation.

I DO NOT want to go back to work, but this summer has been a great period of growth for me and I have no intention of going back to the way life was.

For today, I am happy.

Lies I tell myself

I don't want you in my head.

Don't lurk in my thoughts and mind.

I dont want to wait for your contact.

Don't make me long for you.

I don't want you in my heart.

I have a gate all around my being- I have seen you picking the lock.

Why do you want in? What is here that makes you wonder and want to dig for more?

People get inside and they move things around, they break stuff you treasure, they

criticize things that make you who you are.

I want to be hard.

Callous and protected.

I want these rules that keep me safe- even if they rob me of opportunities.

This is a lie- not a word of it is truth.

It is too late anyway.

Alone- a poem of sorts

I am alone-ish
Though surounded by family and friends
parts of me are very alone

I am alone-ish
sometimes lonely but they are not the same thing
interchangable sometimes hard to seperate

I am alone
who else can see through these eyes of mine
who else could translate these thougts

I am alone
quiet, peaceful, relaxed
loud, churning, tense

I am lonely-ish
not really, just nervous
not lonely, just not accustomed

I am lonely-ish
when I think of you
sometimes, on occasion

I am lonely
for a moment
for an hour or a day

I am lonely
it is fleeting
it does not define me

I am independent-ish
free to be me
getting to know me

I am independent-ish
on a path
walking and navigating my soul

I am independent
healthy, full, in charge
sick, empty, lost

I am independent
an opportunity I have been seeking
all this time- unaware

I am all these things, with a smile upon my face, with fear in my heart, and courage in my actions.

I am alone

Lessons Learned

I trust people so easily. I am frequently disappointed. I have got to stop taking people for thier word and take them for what their actions show me. I can't believe that people can get angry with you when they let you down. I did everything in my power to be helpful and this is what I get in return? Anger and ignoring? I hope that I will not be disappointed further, but I will not hold my breath. I will not be helping anyone again any time soon.

Some things I have learned

I have learned a lot lately. I have learned the following: (this is the short list)

...you can create any possiblity you want in your life through action
...you can love someone enough to let them go because it is best for them
...forgiveness is the ultimate challenge with the highest payoff
...someone can love me enough to let me go because it is best for me
...action is really the only thing that matters
...friends and family are the greatest, even if you sometimes want to rip their heads off
...I am of value, both to myself and others
...I can take responsibility for my actions and it really is not as painful as it sounds
...I am loved, immensely
...I can love others regardless of anything
...I AM happy, even if I am not always pleased with what happens, I really am happy
...no matter how much I love Heidi and Ang, coffee at 11pm is a BAD idea
...I will be able to take care of myself
...not being with you doesn't have to mean I have to stop loving you
...everything's going to be alright (Bob Marley taught me that one)

hopefulsadfearfulexcitedlovedawareenviousexhausted

These are just a few of the emotions I am currently feeling. I am pretty sure this is why I can't sleep tonight.

Hopeful- I really am hopeful. I am hopeful that new opportunities are headed my way. I am hopeful that my love will find a great new life and will be happy.

Sad-I am sad because a really sweet chapter of my life is coming to an end, somoene whom I have grown accustomed to having by my side is about to leave. At least we have good feelings towards one another and I think we can still have a good friendship (this is hopeful not sad).

Fearful- I am fearful because my life is FULL of unnknowns at this point. Unknowns kind of freak me out, but in the reflection of my life that I have been doing recently, there have been a lot of periods of unknowns that have turned out just fine.

Excited- I am excited for the very same reason I am fearful.

Loved- I am so totally loved- no doubt about it. I have the best family and friends I could ever hope for. Certain love in my life is in a transitional stage right now. Usually when you go through difficult times, you find out who loves you and who does not. During this difficult time, ALL I can feel is love- I am surrounded by just this huge out pouring of love from all directions, even some directions that I didn't know existed. How kind. Curtis is leaving, but as he leaves, he is giving me even more people to love on me, simply because he is so loved himself (what a guy! ;) )

Aware- wow this is a biggie- I am seeing things differently than I ever have. I am just so much more open to things right now. I am not going to lie and say that everything I am becoming aware of is roses, but awareness in itself is a gift. I will be able to make better decisions as I focus on what is real vs. what is fantasy. I predict this whole awareness thing is going to just keep getting bigger and bigger and bigger as time marches on.

Envious- ok, ok I will admit it. I am jealous that Curtis is going to Texas, not just because the ladies of Texas just got a new hottie in thier dating pool, but because the way he describes it, it is paradise. If I see one more overcast day I am bound to go postal.....I am keeping my heart and mind open, who knows maybe some place with better weather and new opportunities will present itself to me. Don't worry, I do not intend on following Curtis to Texas or moving to Alabama, but I am keeping my mind open to whatever comes up.

Exhausted- this has been an emotional past few days- actually it has been an emotional past few weeks. Maybe now that I got this all out in a blog, I will feel a little better and be able to get some sleep.

Enlightened

In recent weeks, I have become very enlightened to reasons why I an not happy. Given that my goal is to be happy, I have been working very hard to identify areas that I need to change in order to improve my happiness. I have taken some big steps in that direction. I have begun attending church, I have taken the summer off (this was a happy accident), and I have decided to persue my personal goals in terms of my health and hving a family in the future.

Last night, I was hurt pretty badly by someone I care a great deal for. It was beyond disappointing. I feel like I have been there and done a lot to support this person and then was basically told I was ruining their search for clarity. After all this time, love, energy, and resources that hurt a lot.

I have come to the realization that I spend too much time trying to help others in order to avoid having to help myself. I am not going to do that any longer. I am going to mind my own business and take care of myself. If my friends need help, they can ask me for it and of course I will be an active participant in my community service work. As for everything and everyone else, I am done. Who wants my help anyway? I am the only one who really needs it or wants it.

I am very sad that the words I heard last night put a sadness over a relationship that I cared about and nurtured so deeply. However, I deserve it because I shouldn't be looking to another for happiness anyway or tryingto help where my opinion is "not helpful". What was said was unnecessary but that is not my problem to deal with. I am a good friend and a caring person, I will just try to be more careful about how I love in the future.

Torn

I am so torn between what I want and well....what I want. I have made the decision that I want to pursue a family of my own. The problem is, my love, he does not want the same thing. This has changed everything. Just a few weeks ago we were basking in the glory of our love and friendship. Now we are sad all the time. Clinging to one another with love in the hopes that we will find some way to survive this.

The truth is, we will not. This is just too big to overcome.

I will not be happy unless I give it my best to have children. So what to do now? Neither of us wants this to be over. Our relationship has been so wonderful, we have made each other very happy. The truth is it is over. :( This is sad and heartbreaking.

This leads to the question: Now what? I have no idea how to proceed from here.
I know what I need to do. Well, I know part of what I need to do. I need to focus on myself and identify my true desires in life. I need to nurture and take care of myself. I need to get to know myself and set priorities for my life. I need to deepen my relationship with God. I need to lose weight (30 lbs to go) and I need to take care of my health. I need to get myself financially healthy.

I do not however, know what to do about our relationship. I have so much fear of losing my best friend. I fear for him and what he will do with his life, where will he go, and will he be safe emotionally. We can't even discuss the next step at this point. All I can do is cry when I think of it. There is so much about him I will miss. I hate feeling unsettled like this and I am just at a loss as to what to do.

I pray for the right answers, but I know what has to be done and am just to sad and afraid to do anything about it. I am truly stuck here and wish I knew what to do next.

H

Decisions

I have never been one for making decisions. I can never make a choice. Looking back upon my life all I can see is a series of really bad choices. I have made some good choices too, but the bad ones have been REALLY bad. So here I am faced with a horrible choice. Do I pursue what is completely unknown and take the steps I need to make having a family a possibility? In order to do this, I have to end my relationship. I love my boyfriend so much. He is such a kind and gentle soul. He is such a fun, funny, and adventurous person. H makes me so happy. It seems so unfair that I have fallen in love with such a wonderful person only to have to contemplate giving him up to chase a dream that may or may not ever come true. On top of that I have to consider the sacrifices and rewards of something that may or may not ever happen for me, something I know nothing about- to have children. What does this say about me and my convictions? What does this say about me and my love when I even have to think about it in order to decide? Shouldn't this decision be a no brainer in one way or another? One thing I do know is that I have to do something to stop waking up depressed every day. I have to do something to put an end to the stress and worry and tears that assault me every day making it impossible to do my job, impossible to enjoy the loving and joyful moments in each day. Someone told me to choose happiness. That is all fine and good, but here is what I know. I am with a man who brings me joy and happiness everyday and I love our life together. I also know that I have always wanted to have children. I don't however know if I can have children. I don't know if I would be a good mom. I don't know if I have the strength of character and emotion to be a mom. I of course, can't be a mom on my own. That much I know about myself. However, how could I leave a man I love in order to find a person to have the family I long for with? How can I leave someone who I have so much love in my heart for and be with someone else? It seems like a farce. Why have I chosen so many paths in my life that make these decisions necessary in the first place. I am not 24, I am 34 and time just is not on my side any more. I made choices that have left my life in turmoil. Now I have something good in my life- how can I possibly walk away from that? I can't. None of this is fair to him. That burdens me so much. I never want to hurt him, he has always been so good to me and he has always been upfront with me. I feel like a jerk. I am so lost and so sad and I just don't know what to do. Here I am longing for a more simplistic life yet am wrestling with the idea of making my simple life so much more complicated.
For today I will focus on work and prayer. I just need to focus on what is at hand in the present so I don't screw up what little stability I actually have. This is just way too much for me. It is not a decision anyone can help me with. I know I have my friends who will love and support me either way. Even Curtis has told me that no matter what decision I make, he is behind me 100% and that even if we part, he will still be my friend and that he doesn't want to stand in the way of my dreams. Oh how I wish it could be him. Everyone comes into your life for a reason and a season, I am not ready for our season to be up. I never want our time to end. I am so overwhelmed.

Love- Warning: Sappy but honest

Love for me has always been an easy and powerful emotion. I do not know why I was created this way, but it is a natural gift I have always possessed. The ability to love freely and fiercely. Some people have been repelled by it, others drawn to it. It has brought me pain and joy, troubles and triumph. As we all have, I have suffered many hurts in life, but my ability to love had never been decreased. I have loved people who it makes no sense for me to love, but love is what I do. My heart holds many types of love for many different people. Some who I know intimately and deeply some who barely passed into and out of my life. Love is the core of who I am.
I love a person deeply- drawn to him immediately. Not love at first sight- not Hollywood love. When I discovered that I loved him it was so apparent that I really didn't care if we were ever meant to be in a romantic situation- okay not entirely true- I wanted him to be my love, be my man. However, I decided right away that even if I was never to receive romantic love from him I wanted him in my life, no matter what. In the time that I have loved him it has been many different kinds of love. A tapestry woven of many shades, colors, and textures. For all of the love I have given and experienced in my life- this love is different.Not better or worse, but its own. I am not saying this is my fairy tale ending and I am riding off into the sunset. I am not saying we rival Romeo and Juliet or any character that may come to mind when you think of love between two people. This is something real and complex.

I don't know what the future holds. I think people are too determined to make everything permanent. Nothing is permanent- why we as people, and myself specifically, fight so hard against the temporary, I don't comprehend. Everything is temporary just to varying degrees.

This love has changed who I am and how I view life in general. Regardless of what happens in life- this love has touched me and changed me. I am glad for that. Glad I took risks to develop this love. I am grateful I have received this love in return.

I have no regret in this. No matter what happens, your love has made a difference for me and you will always be forever on my heart. Thanks for opening yourself up to me. Thank you for returning my love. As the saying goes, to the world you may be one person, but to this one person you truly mean the world. <3

What I want

I know I have not updated my blog in a while. I feel kind of weird about it. I am so up and down all the time I just don't know what to write. I am writing today because if I don't I am pretty sure my head and heart is going to explode.

I had coffee with my brother yesterday. We had a very interesting talk about happiness and life and how life is short and you have to make your happiness before it is too late.

Here is part of the problem for me. I have this dream, this desire, this calling almost. It is one thing in life I want so bad, the most important thing. I want a family of my own. I want to be a mom. It eats at me every day. I have not been in a relationship in which being a mom is a possibility. I am glad I have not had a child for that fact. However, I am 34 years old. That is pretty old in terms of beginning a family. I have good reason to believe that conceiving a child is going to be a challenge for me- if not an out right impossibility. I am open to all options. I would love to have a biological child with the man I love. I would adopt a child. I would even do it on my own with the support of my family and friends if I truly evaluated myself to be capable of giving a child a wonderful life in that manner. I want this. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I can't have children because maybe I wouldn't be a good mom. Also, it is not just a child I want, but a family. A mom and a dad working together to enjoy life and raise another human being in order to give them an opportunity at a good life. I'd like to not work for a few years and give my child the best upbringing I can. These dreams seem impossibly out of reach to me and I can't think of what I need to do to make this dream a reality.

My heart is so broken over this. I can't write this without crying and I actually would like to go home and be alone because this emotional pain is simply unbearable today. Why has my life turned out this way? Am I being punished? I know I have made so many mistakes, but this is just too much hurting. I have no idea what I am going to do.

Shrinking

Indeed- I am shrinking- in more ways than one. For starters, I have lost 25 lbs since the 1st of January. I plan to make that an even 40 by the end of the school year. I have gotten rid of at least 1/4 (prob more) of my personal belongings. I hope to have that down by even more by the time we move. It feels good- it feels very good. The theme of this blog is "I just want to be happy" I don't know how I could have ever thought I could be happy with all that physical and emotional weight surrounding me both on my body and in my house. This has been a very eye opening experience. I don't know if it was "cleansing" but it as certainly clarifying. I cannot believe that I ever tried to "get better" or "get over it" or "move on from my past" without cleaning out this house. I had to dispose of a lot of memories and items that held memories and/ or emotions. It as good, but I have a lot of guilt I am lugging around with me. My physical environment has been cleaned up, but my emotional environment is trashed. I need to figure out how to work with the feelings of guilt, sadness, and desperation left behind the wounds in my heart. It is true what they say- that letting go of the "stuff" doesn't take away the memories. Now I must focus on cleaning up that mess- i am not sure where to begin, but I do feel like I am at the perfect place to start- man I wish I was meeting with Julianna today....

Waxing and waning

I can feel my motivation beginning to slip. Yes, I have lost the first fun 20 lbs and that is great, but the second 20 seems to be just out of my reach. I am a little less disciplined in both my eating and exercise and I can see why I had no results last week. However, I can't seem to snap myself out of it. I am feeling frustrated and discouraged. It is not just my weight loss that seems to be stalling, it is my life. I am overwhelmed by work, overwhelmed by my home environment, overwhelmed by the great burden of finances, and frustrations with where my life has led me. I have been a basket case for a couple of weeks. I am unsure how to deal with it all. I am getting back to the gym tonight. I am going to be very careful with my eating today. I am slowly letting go of material possessions that are weighting me down. I am hoping that Curtis will make some decisions that will take some of the burden of keeping the household going off of my shoulders. Here is what I feel I need in order to get some peace.

Time and motivation to clear out my possessions and get rid of everything I don't use or need.

To at healthier, to exercise at least 30 min every day, and to sleep 7 hours each night.

Curtis to make a decision for the future move on it while helping with the everyday house stuff.

Time to myself to be myself and just focus on being kind to myself and listening to myself.

I need some peace. badly

Friggin Frustrated

I am super frustrated. I work so hard. I am constantly working, working at home, or worrying about work. I also have to worry about the cleaning, organizing, and financing for the household and that is frustrating as well. I want to be able to relax when I come home. I want to come home to a clean house where I can either do some things or have an enviroment where I can rest and not have to worry about the million things I need to do. I would like a better financial situation, it is a lot of pressure for me to foot the bill for everything all the time and I am growing exhausted and maybe even a little resentful. I need more help from work, I need more help at home. I am on a fast track to crash and burn. I dont understand why I alsways get myself into situations where I am doing everything and have no time to relax and enjoy everything. This aspect of my life is one I am not happy about. I just don't know how to turn it around. I wish someone would just help me without me having to be the "bitch" all the time. Not that I am called a bitch, but I know that is what it seems like. Also, I have been told that I am "freaking out" enough lately that it makes me want to keep my mouth shut. I am so friggin tired and frustrated!

Changes

I am really not so good with change. I am not sure why this is. I would like to be a go with the flow kind of person, but I am not. Especially these shifts within myself. Lately I have been looking at the world through a new lens. It is a little disturbing. I am so conflicted I cna't seem to straighten myself out. Anxiety is rampant at this point. It is making me so tired. I want to be calm and happy- where did it go? What has changed? God it is really making me so very tired.

Goals

Well now I have suprised even myself. At this point in my journey, I expected to have lost 3-5 lbs. I have lost 10.8. I have lost 5% of my body weight. I am shocked and so very pleased. I have worked hard, but it has been fun rather than unbearable. I have had a really busy day and would really like to go lay down on the couch and go to sleep right now....fortunately Patti is waiting for me at the gym for some belly dance so I will get my exercise in today then I am coming home to CRASH OUT!

The song of my life....

Gotta give some background on this one. The first time I heard this song, it was the Smashing Pumpkins version. It immediately resonated with me and made me think of my poppy. This was BEFORE I discovered the wonders of Fleetwood Mac. When I heard Stevie Nicks belt it out and discovered she had written it for HER daddy- well, wow that is pretty amazing. Those who know me well would not likely be surprised that I can find a connection between myself and Stevie Nicks. This song meant so much to me. When my dad got sick and later succumbed to his illness (Brain cancer) the song became all that more important. I wouldn't call it my favorite song....who can name a favorite song!?! But it truly is a song of my life.

I miss my daddy. That is a key to this whole "Getting Happy" quest. I have to deal with his death. I have to say goodbye to him and cherish the lessons and memories he left with me. Ten years later, I am still in denial. I just miss him and every day I don't know how I will survive the challenges I face. However, I do. I do because I have a lot of people who love and support me. I do because my parents gave me skills to cope. The lessons of my childhood and my own determination make me who I am today.

Please take a moment to listen to these lyrics or google the song. This is how I feel about my dad. I don't know that it will translate out loud the way it does in my head, but if you want to know why I am on this journey, this outta help. I am thankful I had him- what a lucky girl.

Lyrics to Landslide by Stevie Nicks


(This is for you, Daddy.)

I took my love and I took it down
I climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
'Til the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Mmm Mmm... I don't know... Mmm Mmm... Mmm Mmm...

Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too

So...

(Guitar solo)

I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I, I´ve built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too...
I'm getting older too...

So, take this love, take it down
Oh if you climb a mountain and you turn around
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring you down, down

And If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well maybe... The landslide will bring you down
Well well... the landslide will bring you down

Fear and Loathing

I have not written in awhile because I just don't know what to say. I have been filled with anxiety again lately- I guess I will never be rid of anxiety fully so I am just going to have to learn how to cope with it.
So what am I so worried about? Here they are but not in order of importance, just in an order.

Well, I am afraid this week I won't lose weight. The first few weeks are usually pretty easy and then things slow down a lot. I am ok with that as long as I lose about a pound per week. I would like to lose a minimum of 5 lbs each month. I have been doing fine, but I am freaking obesessed with it and that is starting to drive me crazy.

My home is driving me crazy- it is a wreck. I feel there is so much I need to "do" or "go through" or "clean". I feel the mess of my home as a constant pressure following me. I can't relax if it is not done and it is just to overwhelming to do it.

On Friday something happened in my relationship. I think for the most part it was somewhat of a misunderstanding. However, it was one of those things that make you see everything just a little differently. I am not quite sure how to deal with it. I mean we talked, made each other understand the other's point of view (sort of), made up and have moved on. However, it changed something a little. I am hoping that it will pass- this subtle change. I am not a fan of it. It makes me look at things from a different perspective, makes me anxious, and makes me hold myself in a little more. I don't want that for us. I want us to be open and be best friends like always. Changes scare the hell outta me.

I am anxious about work. There is so much paperwork to do I am struggling to keep up with the teaching. When the focus is on case managing and not teaching, I start to lose motivation. I am tired and it is hard to be creative and interesting when your brain is so tired from IEP's and communicating with parents and teachers. The kids are really struggling with motivation right now too and I wish I could be a positive model for being motivated- but I am on the verge of burnt out, so it is rough.

I am so ready for summer. I was thinking that this morning- to my dismay it is January, but it is the end of January with lots of exciting things going on, so it should be summer in no time. By the time school gets out I should have lost 25-30 lbs- so that will be very nice for summer.

Sigh, sometimes I wish my thoughts had a dial so I could decrease the anxiety and turn up the carefree Heather that I have seen a few times. I am so tired of worrying about everything.

Help

I need more help. I just don't know how to ask for or get the help I need. For starters, I need help with this dog. I know it is MY dog, but I never intended on being alone to take care of her while working full time and trying to keep up the house. I have always had a partner to help me with her. Now, I am basically on my own. My bf will help if I ask him to, but he hates it so the help usually comes a long with frustrated feelings from him which make me feel really bad. I am thinking of hiring a dog sitter or dog walker or something to take her out for me while I can't. She keeps going to the bathroom in the house because she has to hold it for so long. I am always running, running, running and I just can't give her enough on my own right now. I am totally crying as I write this because I love her so much. She is such a good dog and has been really really good to me, but I just can't take care of her alone anymore. It is breaking my heart.

I am so frustrated. I am working a lot and going to school and trying to improve my life and instead of feeling energized this morning I am sapped and upset. I just need more help and I don't know how to get the help I need. I already feel bad for asking for anything (this is just part of my personality) and I can feel frustrations and resentments building but I don't know how to do anything about it. This is just wearing me down.

Before Photos

No, you will not see them posted here- yet- maybe in 6-8-10 months. I still need to do my measurements, but the photos give me a pretty good idea of what I am working with. They are not pretty. They are me in my new yoga outfit. Front, side, back. I could totally worry about it, but I am not going to. I am going to go to yoga. I am going to keep putting one foot in front of another and get healthy. We walked 3 hours today. If I keep working, I will make it. I WILL NOT look like this forever. We are going to take a photo every month and I hope that near the end of summer or sometime in the fall, I will post some of them. Until now, they remain safely locked in my computer.

Challenges

I faced some challenges this weekend in terms of my weight loss goals. I went out with friends on Saturday and a family dinner tonight. On Sat I went a little overboard, but I still stayed well within my weekly points. Also, Curtis and I walked both days so I earned a lot of activity points. Last week I had 20 points left at the end of the week from working out. That is my goal for every week. I am right on track. Tonight I went to my niece's house to belatedly celebrate Christmas. We had potatoes, ham corn, and rolls. I was so good. I had a little bit of everything and I came home with points to spare for the day. Very well done. My next weigh in is in three days. I am very excited to see what kind of progress I made this week. I will remember that my goal is 1 pound per week. As long as I steadily lose one pound each week I will reach my goal and remain there. :)

H