Abundant Confusion

I am so overwhelmed by the thoughts in my head today. I would love to tak the day off just to sit by myself and try to figure stuff out. However, a freidn told me yesterday that confusion is not a call to action. They said that when you are confusd you should just sit with it and let the fog clear rather than initiating a set of actions designed to figure out what is going on. I think this is the best advice I have recieved in a long time. So that is my plan for the next couple of days. I am going to lay low, sit with my confusion and see if the fog will clear.

What I do know is I want to feel warm, loved, and happy. I am not feeling that way in my life right now. I am feeling confused, frustrated, and sad. I do not want this for myself. In fact, I actually think I deserve a more simple, preaceful, loving existance. I believe I need to provide this for myself and re-build my life from that place.

I am trying to avoid the idea that I am depressed, but I do believe I am quite depressed right now. I can't make good decisions in this state. So I am suspending all decision making at this point. Anything that is worth it will still be there when the fog clears. Anything that is gone after this period wasn't worth it to begin with.

Oh how I would love to claim today for myself. Unfortunately, I dont have that luxury. I need to get myself to work and be the best I can be today for the kids. Oh well, it is Wednesday, the weekend is almost here. I need to get something to wear for serpentine, and take a walk, and maybe go meet the baby.

On Friday I get to go spend some time wiht some new people in my life that mean a lot to me, I am looking forward to that. Until then, I think I just outta lay low and reflect on what I have, who I am, and what I want.

Even though you kid around and I know that some of it is joking, it reeally is messing with my mental. Is that the aim? If so, that is fine, but I dont like it. It leaves me feeling low and uncomfortable. I have spent a great many of my years feeling low and uncomfortable. I dont want to spend another moment feeling that way if it can be avoided. I am not so niaeve to believe life is going to be all peaches n cream, but I can try to avoid the bright blinking signs of discomfort. I hope you will work with me on this. I hope we can make a go. Lord knows I have been trying....