Depression

I hate being depressed. I went to bed last night at 7:30. I fell asleep by 8:30 and DID NOT want to get out of bed this morning. Once I did, I thought "I am so glad it is Thursday and the week is almost over." I do not want to live a life that necessitates the bed time of an 80 year old and just waiting for time to pass. What am I doing? 34 years old and just waiting until it is time to die?

This is simply unbearable.

I am not sure what to do about it. I can't pinpoint why I am so depressed. I have some suspicions about why I am blue, but there is really nothing so wrong with my life that I should feel this down for this long is there?

What the hell am I waiting and longing for? I don't know. I just want to have things to do, but when things come up, I am too tired or too morose to take people up on the offer. I have done nothing this week for Spirit Week- just not in the mood. I have not decorated my house for fall, my favorite season. I am still walking most days, meeting friends for coffee, trying to read, but I just can't seem to get with anything. I can't sit through a movie, I can't talk on the phone, I can't focus my attention. My mind is all over the place. When I climb into bed, I can shut my brain off, which is unusual for me, but all I want is the numbing remedy of sleep.

My temper is quick and my tears are even quicker. What is going on? What am I going to do about it? I have filled up 30 pages in my journal in the last week and walked at least 30 miles, but nothing feels better. The last time I felt good about something was last sat pm/ Sunday am, but that all came crashing down Sunday afternoon and I have just not been able to get my mojo back.

I really want to take the day off work today, but I don't have sub plans and I know that would be the worst possible idea because then what would I do? Sit around here all day and obsess about my depression-no thanks.

This had better end soon! I can't just wish it away though...I need to do something about it. I just wish I knew what to do. Any action would help I think. I am not good at just laying low and not taking action, but whenever I engage- I seem to dig and endless pit for myself. Maybe if I could identify what is bothering me I could eradicate it, but again usually any action I take just makes things worse.

If there is any feeling in this world I hate it is helplessness.

How will I ever achieve what I want if I feel like this?

Sigh.