These are just a few of the emotions I am currently feeling. I am pretty sure this is why I can't sleep tonight.
Hopeful- I really am hopeful. I am hopeful that new opportunities are headed my way. I am hopeful that my love will find a great new life and will be happy.
Sad-I am sad because a really sweet chapter of my life is coming to an end, somoene whom I have grown accustomed to having by my side is about to leave. At least we have good feelings towards one another and I think we can still have a good friendship (this is hopeful not sad).
Fearful- I am fearful because my life is FULL of unnknowns at this point. Unknowns kind of freak me out, but in the reflection of my life that I have been doing recently, there have been a lot of periods of unknowns that have turned out just fine.
Excited- I am excited for the very same reason I am fearful.
Loved- I am so totally loved- no doubt about it. I have the best family and friends I could ever hope for. Certain love in my life is in a transitional stage right now. Usually when you go through difficult times, you find out who loves you and who does not. During this difficult time, ALL I can feel is love- I am surrounded by just this huge out pouring of love from all directions, even some directions that I didn't know existed. How kind. Curtis is leaving, but as he leaves, he is giving me even more people to love on me, simply because he is so loved himself (what a guy! ;) )
Aware- wow this is a biggie- I am seeing things differently than I ever have. I am just so much more open to things right now. I am not going to lie and say that everything I am becoming aware of is roses, but awareness in itself is a gift. I will be able to make better decisions as I focus on what is real vs. what is fantasy. I predict this whole awareness thing is going to just keep getting bigger and bigger and bigger as time marches on.
Envious- ok, ok I will admit it. I am jealous that Curtis is going to Texas, not just because the ladies of Texas just got a new hottie in thier dating pool, but because the way he describes it, it is paradise. If I see one more overcast day I am bound to go postal.....I am keeping my heart and mind open, who knows maybe some place with better weather and new opportunities will present itself to me. Don't worry, I do not intend on following Curtis to Texas or moving to Alabama, but I am keeping my mind open to whatever comes up.
Exhausted- this has been an emotional past few days- actually it has been an emotional past few weeks. Maybe now that I got this all out in a blog, I will feel a little better and be able to get some sleep.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
Enlightened
In recent weeks, I have become very enlightened to reasons why I an not happy. Given that my goal is to be happy, I have been working very hard to identify areas that I need to change in order to improve my happiness. I have taken some big steps in that direction. I have begun attending church, I have taken the summer off (this was a happy accident), and I have decided to persue my personal goals in terms of my health and hving a family in the future.
Last night, I was hurt pretty badly by someone I care a great deal for. It was beyond disappointing. I feel like I have been there and done a lot to support this person and then was basically told I was ruining their search for clarity. After all this time, love, energy, and resources that hurt a lot.
I have come to the realization that I spend too much time trying to help others in order to avoid having to help myself. I am not going to do that any longer. I am going to mind my own business and take care of myself. If my friends need help, they can ask me for it and of course I will be an active participant in my community service work. As for everything and everyone else, I am done. Who wants my help anyway? I am the only one who really needs it or wants it.
I am very sad that the words I heard last night put a sadness over a relationship that I cared about and nurtured so deeply. However, I deserve it because I shouldn't be looking to another for happiness anyway or tryingto help where my opinion is "not helpful". What was said was unnecessary but that is not my problem to deal with. I am a good friend and a caring person, I will just try to be more careful about how I love in the future.
Last night, I was hurt pretty badly by someone I care a great deal for. It was beyond disappointing. I feel like I have been there and done a lot to support this person and then was basically told I was ruining their search for clarity. After all this time, love, energy, and resources that hurt a lot.
I have come to the realization that I spend too much time trying to help others in order to avoid having to help myself. I am not going to do that any longer. I am going to mind my own business and take care of myself. If my friends need help, they can ask me for it and of course I will be an active participant in my community service work. As for everything and everyone else, I am done. Who wants my help anyway? I am the only one who really needs it or wants it.
I am very sad that the words I heard last night put a sadness over a relationship that I cared about and nurtured so deeply. However, I deserve it because I shouldn't be looking to another for happiness anyway or tryingto help where my opinion is "not helpful". What was said was unnecessary but that is not my problem to deal with. I am a good friend and a caring person, I will just try to be more careful about how I love in the future.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Torn
I am so torn between what I want and well....what I want. I have made the decision that I want to pursue a family of my own. The problem is, my love, he does not want the same thing. This has changed everything. Just a few weeks ago we were basking in the glory of our love and friendship. Now we are sad all the time. Clinging to one another with love in the hopes that we will find some way to survive this.
The truth is, we will not. This is just too big to overcome.
I will not be happy unless I give it my best to have children. So what to do now? Neither of us wants this to be over. Our relationship has been so wonderful, we have made each other very happy. The truth is it is over. :( This is sad and heartbreaking.
This leads to the question: Now what? I have no idea how to proceed from here.
I know what I need to do. Well, I know part of what I need to do. I need to focus on myself and identify my true desires in life. I need to nurture and take care of myself. I need to get to know myself and set priorities for my life. I need to deepen my relationship with God. I need to lose weight (30 lbs to go) and I need to take care of my health. I need to get myself financially healthy.
I do not however, know what to do about our relationship. I have so much fear of losing my best friend. I fear for him and what he will do with his life, where will he go, and will he be safe emotionally. We can't even discuss the next step at this point. All I can do is cry when I think of it. There is so much about him I will miss. I hate feeling unsettled like this and I am just at a loss as to what to do.
I pray for the right answers, but I know what has to be done and am just to sad and afraid to do anything about it. I am truly stuck here and wish I knew what to do next.
H
The truth is, we will not. This is just too big to overcome.
I will not be happy unless I give it my best to have children. So what to do now? Neither of us wants this to be over. Our relationship has been so wonderful, we have made each other very happy. The truth is it is over. :( This is sad and heartbreaking.
This leads to the question: Now what? I have no idea how to proceed from here.
I know what I need to do. Well, I know part of what I need to do. I need to focus on myself and identify my true desires in life. I need to nurture and take care of myself. I need to get to know myself and set priorities for my life. I need to deepen my relationship with God. I need to lose weight (30 lbs to go) and I need to take care of my health. I need to get myself financially healthy.
I do not however, know what to do about our relationship. I have so much fear of losing my best friend. I fear for him and what he will do with his life, where will he go, and will he be safe emotionally. We can't even discuss the next step at this point. All I can do is cry when I think of it. There is so much about him I will miss. I hate feeling unsettled like this and I am just at a loss as to what to do.
I pray for the right answers, but I know what has to be done and am just to sad and afraid to do anything about it. I am truly stuck here and wish I knew what to do next.
H
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