Enlightened

In recent weeks, I have become very enlightened to reasons why I an not happy. Given that my goal is to be happy, I have been working very hard to identify areas that I need to change in order to improve my happiness. I have taken some big steps in that direction. I have begun attending church, I have taken the summer off (this was a happy accident), and I have decided to persue my personal goals in terms of my health and hving a family in the future.

Last night, I was hurt pretty badly by someone I care a great deal for. It was beyond disappointing. I feel like I have been there and done a lot to support this person and then was basically told I was ruining their search for clarity. After all this time, love, energy, and resources that hurt a lot.

I have come to the realization that I spend too much time trying to help others in order to avoid having to help myself. I am not going to do that any longer. I am going to mind my own business and take care of myself. If my friends need help, they can ask me for it and of course I will be an active participant in my community service work. As for everything and everyone else, I am done. Who wants my help anyway? I am the only one who really needs it or wants it.

I am very sad that the words I heard last night put a sadness over a relationship that I cared about and nurtured so deeply. However, I deserve it because I shouldn't be looking to another for happiness anyway or tryingto help where my opinion is "not helpful". What was said was unnecessary but that is not my problem to deal with. I am a good friend and a caring person, I will just try to be more careful about how I love in the future.