Friday, October 15, 2010
a baby
I want a baby. I am tired of waiting for the right man to come along to create my family. I am going to focus on what I want, the type of life I want to live. I see no reason to continue to wait for my prince charming. I am going to find a way to make this happen for myself. I can do this. Millions of women do this. Why should I be any different? This is going to be my focus. My first step will be to get myself physically healthy. I will go from there.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
White Flag -as suggested by a friend
She can't pretend her way through the life that has disintegrated into hers any longer. The reality is too painful and the absence of fantasy strikes her to her knees.
"I am waving my white flag. Not to you, hopes and dreams. Not to you truth and lies, but to all of you."
She cannot speak this aloud,only her thoughts resound- no one hears her either way.
Her path has been littered the same as any one's; with hurt and hope and joy and despair. Some people are meant for bravery some are just weak. The girl hoped to be strong, imagining strength of spirit growing over her like a suit of armor.
Then one day she woke up.
She woke up.
She realized she was weak. That she didn't have it in her to develop a guard. She is incapable of building a wall.
She is weak.
What does one do once they realize that weakness is their only virtue?
They give up.
They walk away.
They wave their white flag and tell the world, "It is not that I surrender, I am simply giving up. I will not dwell within your confines, I will cease to exist within my own"
And now she will swim or fly or sleep- the mode matters not- it is the void she seeks and however she gets there is well enough to her.
As long as the void will be her final prize for cowardice.
"I am waving my white flag. Not to you, hopes and dreams. Not to you truth and lies, but to all of you."
She cannot speak this aloud,only her thoughts resound- no one hears her either way.
Her path has been littered the same as any one's; with hurt and hope and joy and despair. Some people are meant for bravery some are just weak. The girl hoped to be strong, imagining strength of spirit growing over her like a suit of armor.
Then one day she woke up.
She woke up.
She realized she was weak. That she didn't have it in her to develop a guard. She is incapable of building a wall.
She is weak.
What does one do once they realize that weakness is their only virtue?
They give up.
They walk away.
They wave their white flag and tell the world, "It is not that I surrender, I am simply giving up. I will not dwell within your confines, I will cease to exist within my own"
And now she will swim or fly or sleep- the mode matters not- it is the void she seeks and however she gets there is well enough to her.
As long as the void will be her final prize for cowardice.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Depression
I hate being depressed. I went to bed last night at 7:30. I fell asleep by 8:30 and DID NOT want to get out of bed this morning. Once I did, I thought "I am so glad it is Thursday and the week is almost over." I do not want to live a life that necessitates the bed time of an 80 year old and just waiting for time to pass. What am I doing? 34 years old and just waiting until it is time to die?
This is simply unbearable.
I am not sure what to do about it. I can't pinpoint why I am so depressed. I have some suspicions about why I am blue, but there is really nothing so wrong with my life that I should feel this down for this long is there?
What the hell am I waiting and longing for? I don't know. I just want to have things to do, but when things come up, I am too tired or too morose to take people up on the offer. I have done nothing this week for Spirit Week- just not in the mood. I have not decorated my house for fall, my favorite season. I am still walking most days, meeting friends for coffee, trying to read, but I just can't seem to get with anything. I can't sit through a movie, I can't talk on the phone, I can't focus my attention. My mind is all over the place. When I climb into bed, I can shut my brain off, which is unusual for me, but all I want is the numbing remedy of sleep.
My temper is quick and my tears are even quicker. What is going on? What am I going to do about it? I have filled up 30 pages in my journal in the last week and walked at least 30 miles, but nothing feels better. The last time I felt good about something was last sat pm/ Sunday am, but that all came crashing down Sunday afternoon and I have just not been able to get my mojo back.
I really want to take the day off work today, but I don't have sub plans and I know that would be the worst possible idea because then what would I do? Sit around here all day and obsess about my depression-no thanks.
This had better end soon! I can't just wish it away though...I need to do something about it. I just wish I knew what to do. Any action would help I think. I am not good at just laying low and not taking action, but whenever I engage- I seem to dig and endless pit for myself. Maybe if I could identify what is bothering me I could eradicate it, but again usually any action I take just makes things worse.
If there is any feeling in this world I hate it is helplessness.
How will I ever achieve what I want if I feel like this?
Sigh.
This is simply unbearable.
I am not sure what to do about it. I can't pinpoint why I am so depressed. I have some suspicions about why I am blue, but there is really nothing so wrong with my life that I should feel this down for this long is there?
What the hell am I waiting and longing for? I don't know. I just want to have things to do, but when things come up, I am too tired or too morose to take people up on the offer. I have done nothing this week for Spirit Week- just not in the mood. I have not decorated my house for fall, my favorite season. I am still walking most days, meeting friends for coffee, trying to read, but I just can't seem to get with anything. I can't sit through a movie, I can't talk on the phone, I can't focus my attention. My mind is all over the place. When I climb into bed, I can shut my brain off, which is unusual for me, but all I want is the numbing remedy of sleep.
My temper is quick and my tears are even quicker. What is going on? What am I going to do about it? I have filled up 30 pages in my journal in the last week and walked at least 30 miles, but nothing feels better. The last time I felt good about something was last sat pm/ Sunday am, but that all came crashing down Sunday afternoon and I have just not been able to get my mojo back.
I really want to take the day off work today, but I don't have sub plans and I know that would be the worst possible idea because then what would I do? Sit around here all day and obsess about my depression-no thanks.
This had better end soon! I can't just wish it away though...I need to do something about it. I just wish I knew what to do. Any action would help I think. I am not good at just laying low and not taking action, but whenever I engage- I seem to dig and endless pit for myself. Maybe if I could identify what is bothering me I could eradicate it, but again usually any action I take just makes things worse.
If there is any feeling in this world I hate it is helplessness.
How will I ever achieve what I want if I feel like this?
Sigh.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Abundant Confusion
I am so overwhelmed by the thoughts in my head today. I would love to tak the day off just to sit by myself and try to figure stuff out. However, a freidn told me yesterday that confusion is not a call to action. They said that when you are confusd you should just sit with it and let the fog clear rather than initiating a set of actions designed to figure out what is going on. I think this is the best advice I have recieved in a long time. So that is my plan for the next couple of days. I am going to lay low, sit with my confusion and see if the fog will clear.
What I do know is I want to feel warm, loved, and happy. I am not feeling that way in my life right now. I am feeling confused, frustrated, and sad. I do not want this for myself. In fact, I actually think I deserve a more simple, preaceful, loving existance. I believe I need to provide this for myself and re-build my life from that place.
I am trying to avoid the idea that I am depressed, but I do believe I am quite depressed right now. I can't make good decisions in this state. So I am suspending all decision making at this point. Anything that is worth it will still be there when the fog clears. Anything that is gone after this period wasn't worth it to begin with.
Oh how I would love to claim today for myself. Unfortunately, I dont have that luxury. I need to get myself to work and be the best I can be today for the kids. Oh well, it is Wednesday, the weekend is almost here. I need to get something to wear for serpentine, and take a walk, and maybe go meet the baby.
On Friday I get to go spend some time wiht some new people in my life that mean a lot to me, I am looking forward to that. Until then, I think I just outta lay low and reflect on what I have, who I am, and what I want.
Even though you kid around and I know that some of it is joking, it reeally is messing with my mental. Is that the aim? If so, that is fine, but I dont like it. It leaves me feeling low and uncomfortable. I have spent a great many of my years feeling low and uncomfortable. I dont want to spend another moment feeling that way if it can be avoided. I am not so niaeve to believe life is going to be all peaches n cream, but I can try to avoid the bright blinking signs of discomfort. I hope you will work with me on this. I hope we can make a go. Lord knows I have been trying....
What I do know is I want to feel warm, loved, and happy. I am not feeling that way in my life right now. I am feeling confused, frustrated, and sad. I do not want this for myself. In fact, I actually think I deserve a more simple, preaceful, loving existance. I believe I need to provide this for myself and re-build my life from that place.
I am trying to avoid the idea that I am depressed, but I do believe I am quite depressed right now. I can't make good decisions in this state. So I am suspending all decision making at this point. Anything that is worth it will still be there when the fog clears. Anything that is gone after this period wasn't worth it to begin with.
Oh how I would love to claim today for myself. Unfortunately, I dont have that luxury. I need to get myself to work and be the best I can be today for the kids. Oh well, it is Wednesday, the weekend is almost here. I need to get something to wear for serpentine, and take a walk, and maybe go meet the baby.
On Friday I get to go spend some time wiht some new people in my life that mean a lot to me, I am looking forward to that. Until then, I think I just outta lay low and reflect on what I have, who I am, and what I want.
Even though you kid around and I know that some of it is joking, it reeally is messing with my mental. Is that the aim? If so, that is fine, but I dont like it. It leaves me feeling low and uncomfortable. I have spent a great many of my years feeling low and uncomfortable. I dont want to spend another moment feeling that way if it can be avoided. I am not so niaeve to believe life is going to be all peaches n cream, but I can try to avoid the bright blinking signs of discomfort. I hope you will work with me on this. I hope we can make a go. Lord knows I have been trying....
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