Confessions

I have a lot of confessions to make. I am not going to do it here. The confessions I need to make are really not to other people. They are more to myself.

Overall, I am quite happy with life, but I will admit that today my stomach is a den of stress. I hate how acutely we feel stress in our bodies. It is enough to host a turmoil party in my mind but when my stomach, neck, back and head get into the act it is nearly unbearable. I literally feel wound and feel if I let my guard down, I will go spinning. The majority of this lies in the fact that summer vacation is almost over and frankly, I am really not ready to go back to work. I was hoping to have myself way more settled before getting back to work. Today I am feeling miles away from settled. I know this will pass. I know going into work today will help after I have assessed the situation. After a little Top and Saracha I am going in (God, I need to get paid).

I also have some crazy emotions all stirred up in me- things that don't belong together, things I can't sort into neat little boxes and get a grasp on. Just feelings that are jockeying for position in my heart and mind. Confusion and questions with answers I don't know, maybe answers I don't want.

I guess these are really good things; fear, hope, stress, joy, and anticipation- signs that I am alive and free. Freedom exhilarates and overwhelms me. I am handling it well at the moment, but out of habit I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I was about to say "here is where I am stuck", the truth is, here is where I AM:

" Knowledge of self- you can't seek it, it happens through meditation, sitting quiet and alone and in contemplation" - The RZA in The Tao of WU