Control

What in life do we really have any control over?

I know this is not just a mystery to me. I don't believe that life is esoteric- I actually believe EVERYONE is out of the loop. Every day we choose labels. Why does everything have to have a label? For me all it does is serve to confuse me further and up the ante on my feelings of inadequacy.

I will admit this- I am out of control. I have never had a single day in my life in which I have been in control. All the times I have been in control really could use a new label "lying". Life just isn't like that. When we try to put controls on everything what we are actually doing is putting ourselves on lock down. It doesn't work. We can lie to ourselves and make up rules, but it is all in vain.

On a nearly daily basis, I wish I could remove my heart from my chest, lock it in a box and hang a little sign from it that says "In case of emergency break glass". What good would that serve? Yes, maybe (just maybe) that would save me on tears and keep me out of great pits of depression. It would also save me from great joy and being the person that people love. There is no reward in this kind of thinking.

I'm going to get hurt- I know this for an absolute fact because the only way to avoid being hurt is to die and I just don't think it is my time. So be it. I'd rather live for today then protect myself from being hurt tomorrow. Again, I have no real control over what my heart decides and the paths my mind wanders and I am simply exhausted from the effort.

I can continue to lie- er I mean, be in control, but that is all projection- it is in no way real. I already am what I am, I already feel what I feel, I'm going to always do whatever I want to do because I am simply human. Yes, this has not served me too well in my 34 years, but you know what? There is no evidence that being any other way would do anything but exhaust me. Would fighting against everything I desire have made for a better today? My guess is that the answer is just the opposite.

I'm going to go with it. I will be sure to always have a box of tissues, a prescription for anxiety tabs, and a pint of ice cream. I can't stop it and I am done fighting it. My happiness is in today if tomorrow sucks, another today is just around the corner.