Trepidation

Part of all of this "love myself", "take responsibility for myself", etc. that I am committed to putting into my life makes me face some pretty hard truths.

Today I am afraid. Ah, fear...my favorite wasted emotion. I take fear to bed with me like a security blanket. I have been married to fear for so long that all the relationship needs at this point is some lye. However, I hate to be stagnant so I learned something today- The only thing I have fear is myself.

So I thought about this logically....unfortunately trying to live life without myself is an impossibility so back to the drawing board. If I can't be afraid of you or him or it and I seriously realize that I only have me to fear....

Now I have settled myself down a bit, and I truly am trying to look at this logically. I only have myself to fear, but WHO is in control of me? I know this seem s like an obvious answer, especially to someone with a minor in psych who spends 9 months of the year trying to teach 100 kids to take responsibility for themselves. However, it is not easy.

I don't want to take responsibility for me! I am broken- I didn't break me, did I?

Yeah.

I did. I broke it and now I have to fix it. Sure, I come from a long line of really lovely broken people- but they didn't break me. Yeah, I spent four years in hell sleeping with the Devil- he didn't break me.

Hmmm....actually, I didn't break me either. In fact I am not broken- this is just a lie I have been gnawing on as long as I can remember. You see, being "broken" is just another way to avoid responsibility for yourself.

Ok, I think really blame IS what is needed in this situation. Today, I blame Pandora....all this alternative music is making me EMO- I need to wash off the black eyeliner and change the station....

I'm fine- nothing like a rambling blog rant to make me step back and laugh in the face of my own insecurities.

I'm not scared.

I am not broken.

I don't even care what happens.

I'm going to keep my emotions on my sleeve and not worry about explaining them or fearing them.

It is too beautiful to go to work and I am too introspective to remain cooped up in this house. I think I will go seek some adventure today.....