All about me

I need to write today- I have written in my journal twice or so. Its not cutting it so here I am.

I am a hot mess right now, but really in a good way. My big deal with life is that I just wanna be happy. So I'm trying new things- sort of, I am thinking differently and that is good.

As I read back on these old blog posts, I am a little appalled at the obvious need to love him, her, and them in order to express my feelings and love towards life. What do those pro-nouns really have to do with me? Don't get me wrong- I am loving and it does define me, but what I am looking for is the I love Me. I talk a good game, but it has only been recently that I have attempted to put the "I love me" into practice. It feels strange. It feels self-serving and rather negative, but the results are positive.

Right now I have a million things on my mind: school, my pro cert, my messy house, a man, my friends, my family, my spirituality, my intellect, my emotions. I am suprised to wake up each morning and find my head has not actually exploded. And I wonder why I am so anxious all the time...

I am no longer chasing happiness though. That is the best thing to come out of this summer. I am creating happiness- in moments. I find joy in my own akwardness- isnt that strange? I bought a couple of new pairs of jeans and got a high from doing something for myself that made me look and feel great. I am taking risks that may or may not be good for me, but finding great joy in the anticipation of the outcomes.I am chosing what to want and what to dismiss. I am creating happiness with my interpretation of moments and events. I am on a serious power trip- control over myself.

I feel alive. Some of this is due to the people I surround myself with, some is due to me. Thats different. I like it.

I am alone today and it feels so good. Sure I should be cleaning or shopping or reading or maybe having coffee with a friend, but I have just been having a staring contest with my thoughts since I got out of bed and I am winning- that too is a powerful feeling. To just sit with myself and Pandora, and be cool with the stuff that is living within me right now.

I am getting to know myself through reflection, listening to what people are feeding me, and watching how others respond to me. I love it. My confidence is high right now- taking care of me and my emotions is an aphrodisiac.

So maybe it is not really "All about me" maybe I am not completely capable of that sort of committment and focus. However, I have grown in leaps and bounds in this area. Now I can enjoy my own company without criticism, fear, and self-depreciation.

I DO NOT want to go back to work, but this summer has been a great period of growth for me and I have no intention of going back to the way life was.

For today, I am happy.