Soldier....

Warning: Do not read this if you have clicked here to read some blithe commentary on my life and the inner workings of my mind. This is one of my pithy, self-absorbed entries....

I am annoyed with myself and the state of my life at the moment, what better way to deal than spouting my personal issues on the Internet? Well, I can think of many more productive things to do, but I can also think of worse things.

So I had a deep discussion with someone today- to protect my own privacy and sense of pride I won't say who, but I will say she is correct, but that doesn't make this any easier to swallow.

I have to change my modus operandi on life. I am in the boat I am currently in because of decisions I have made in my life. I am not super pleased that I now have to change how I operate because the old way is broken. I like the old way! I know how to do it! Yes, it has really bad long term return but the short term makes me happy. This new "plan", if you will, sucks!

I now have to behave in a way that is uncomfortable for me because I need some long term returns- if I ever hope to get the life I want.

Now, I know the "old" way is stupid and pathetic, but I am an instant gratification junkie and now I am staring down the barrel of an unknown, uncomfortable, frustrating experience. Yes, it will ultimately reap great reward (maybe, it seems the more I interfere the more likely I am to get into trouble), but getting there looks so unappealing.

I must soldier on. I have to do this. I have to make this happen for myself. Intellectually I am aware, emotionally I just would like to go to bed or throw up my hands and give up.

I really don't need this right now, but it is really the only thing I need.