Just when I think I have it all figured out, I have a complete shift in perspective. Part of me would like to complain about that, but if I am to be honest, and if I am not honest I really have nothing going for me, I love it.
Yes, I love not knowing what I am going to be doing, thinking, or feeling from day to day. Yesterday I had one set of ideals today hmmmm...maybe maybe not, don't know, not really sure I care.
I despise complacency. I think and talk like I just want some normalcy and stability, but I don't. Not really. As soon as I become complacent, I get bored and then I have to destroy whatever it was I persued above all else so that I can begin my next quest. I am glad that I have the opportunity to do that.
I understand that I am 34 and maybe I should grow up a little- but why? I don't have children, I don't have a husband or boyfriend. My only committments are to myself, Kaya, my family, friends, and work. Those things are important to me, but when it comes to how I feel and think, I only owe myself.
Maybe things will change in the future- I don't know- but for now I am going to revel in the fact that I can live with chaos and confusion and love it for what it is.
I will admit that I am not on cloud nine. I am not fully invested or passionate about anything and from time to time I am a little blue. However, I am glad for the place I am in right now. I am not sure I can deal with anything heavy at this point. So lets hope nothing heavy comes along. If it does I will cope- because I always do. For this moment, I am totally thrilled to be where I am, doing what I am doing and for this moment- that is enough for me.
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