I have not written in awhile because I just don't know what to say. I have been filled with anxiety again lately- I guess I will never be rid of anxiety fully so I am just going to have to learn how to cope with it.
So what am I so worried about? Here they are but not in order of importance, just in an order.
Well, I am afraid this week I won't lose weight. The first few weeks are usually pretty easy and then things slow down a lot. I am ok with that as long as I lose about a pound per week. I would like to lose a minimum of 5 lbs each month. I have been doing fine, but I am freaking obesessed with it and that is starting to drive me crazy.
My home is driving me crazy- it is a wreck. I feel there is so much I need to "do" or "go through" or "clean". I feel the mess of my home as a constant pressure following me. I can't relax if it is not done and it is just to overwhelming to do it.
On Friday something happened in my relationship. I think for the most part it was somewhat of a misunderstanding. However, it was one of those things that make you see everything just a little differently. I am not quite sure how to deal with it. I mean we talked, made each other understand the other's point of view (sort of), made up and have moved on. However, it changed something a little. I am hoping that it will pass- this subtle change. I am not a fan of it. It makes me look at things from a different perspective, makes me anxious, and makes me hold myself in a little more. I don't want that for us. I want us to be open and be best friends like always. Changes scare the hell outta me.
I am anxious about work. There is so much paperwork to do I am struggling to keep up with the teaching. When the focus is on case managing and not teaching, I start to lose motivation. I am tired and it is hard to be creative and interesting when your brain is so tired from IEP's and communicating with parents and teachers. The kids are really struggling with motivation right now too and I wish I could be a positive model for being motivated- but I am on the verge of burnt out, so it is rough.
I am so ready for summer. I was thinking that this morning- to my dismay it is January, but it is the end of January with lots of exciting things going on, so it should be summer in no time. By the time school gets out I should have lost 25-30 lbs- so that will be very nice for summer.
Sigh, sometimes I wish my thoughts had a dial so I could decrease the anxiety and turn up the carefree Heather that I have seen a few times. I am so tired of worrying about everything.
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Do you make lists?
ReplyDeleteI make lists of everything I "need" or want to do... then I pick the one that is easiest to accomplish and do it. Celebrate by checking it off and doing a happy dance. Then I see how I feel... do I feel like tackling another? No? Okay, celebrate the one I did do (yes, again!) and call it a day. Yes? Great, I pick the one that feels easiest and do it. Etc, etc. By the time I know it, I've checked off 5 of my 7 things and am ready to let the rest wait until tomorrow.
Lather rinse repeat.
The point is, I make a list to get it out of head. When it's on paper I don't have to think about it and try to remember it. It's there when I'm ready to tackle it. it's more concrete.
I focus on ONE thing at a time. It's too overwhelming to see all 30 things - it's like looking at a giant menu.
I pick the one I most "feel" like doing OR that would give me the most relief/satisfaction to have out of the way.
PS. You are kicking butt! :)