Why I just want to be happy

The title of my blog comes from an "ocean incident" with my nieces.

You see, I am terribly afraid of things that I can't see (I can look evil in the face and be completely oblivious, but if I can't see you, you terrify me).

Anyway, my nieces were trying to push me to go further into the ocean at night and I could feel little fish and creatures all around my legs and feet. All I wanted to do was lay on my float and drift peacefully under the moon. This vacation came a couple of short months after my world imploded around me. I had faced a lot worse than tiny sea creatures and I did not come out on top. I told the girls to let me be, saying "I just want to be happy".

Really that is all it is. I just want to be happy. It has been a year an a half since that trip to Florida where I began a long journey of self- discovery. I have learned a lot since then, I have acted upon very little of what I have learned. That is because I don't fear things I can see. Even if they have the potential to destroy me. It is those little invisible things, just under the surface- the unseen that terrifies me.

I just want to be happy- such a simple thing.

But I am not happy.

I am smart, I am funny, I am stubborn, I am whiny, I am kind, I am loving, I am awkward, I am clumsy, I am fat, I am beautiful...I could go on and on, but I am NOT happy.

There are things I am happy about I have a home, I have a successful career, I have a wonderful boyfriend, a crazy (in a good way) family. I have a lot, but I am not happy. I am not happy because I won't let myself be.

I am not happy because I miss my dad.
I am not happy because I am fat.
I am not happy because I cannot forgive myself for the mistakes I have made in life.

But that is not what this blog is about. This blog is about how I am going to GET happy.

Jetta inspired this log. This amazing friend who I have known since 7th grade (but have been apart from for many long years) has lost a lot of weight and gained a lot of herself back and is currently in the process. I want that. I want to begin a process of getting happy. So here I go.