Shrinking

Indeed- I am shrinking- in more ways than one. For starters, I have lost 25 lbs since the 1st of January. I plan to make that an even 40 by the end of the school year. I have gotten rid of at least 1/4 (prob more) of my personal belongings. I hope to have that down by even more by the time we move. It feels good- it feels very good. The theme of this blog is "I just want to be happy" I don't know how I could have ever thought I could be happy with all that physical and emotional weight surrounding me both on my body and in my house. This has been a very eye opening experience. I don't know if it was "cleansing" but it as certainly clarifying. I cannot believe that I ever tried to "get better" or "get over it" or "move on from my past" without cleaning out this house. I had to dispose of a lot of memories and items that held memories and/ or emotions. It as good, but I have a lot of guilt I am lugging around with me. My physical environment has been cleaned up, but my emotional environment is trashed. I need to figure out how to work with the feelings of guilt, sadness, and desperation left behind the wounds in my heart. It is true what they say- that letting go of the "stuff" doesn't take away the memories. Now I must focus on cleaning up that mess- i am not sure where to begin, but I do feel like I am at the perfect place to start- man I wish I was meeting with Julianna today....

Waxing and waning

I can feel my motivation beginning to slip. Yes, I have lost the first fun 20 lbs and that is great, but the second 20 seems to be just out of my reach. I am a little less disciplined in both my eating and exercise and I can see why I had no results last week. However, I can't seem to snap myself out of it. I am feeling frustrated and discouraged. It is not just my weight loss that seems to be stalling, it is my life. I am overwhelmed by work, overwhelmed by my home environment, overwhelmed by the great burden of finances, and frustrations with where my life has led me. I have been a basket case for a couple of weeks. I am unsure how to deal with it all. I am getting back to the gym tonight. I am going to be very careful with my eating today. I am slowly letting go of material possessions that are weighting me down. I am hoping that Curtis will make some decisions that will take some of the burden of keeping the household going off of my shoulders. Here is what I feel I need in order to get some peace.

Time and motivation to clear out my possessions and get rid of everything I don't use or need.

To at healthier, to exercise at least 30 min every day, and to sleep 7 hours each night.

Curtis to make a decision for the future move on it while helping with the everyday house stuff.

Time to myself to be myself and just focus on being kind to myself and listening to myself.

I need some peace. badly

Friggin Frustrated

I am super frustrated. I work so hard. I am constantly working, working at home, or worrying about work. I also have to worry about the cleaning, organizing, and financing for the household and that is frustrating as well. I want to be able to relax when I come home. I want to come home to a clean house where I can either do some things or have an enviroment where I can rest and not have to worry about the million things I need to do. I would like a better financial situation, it is a lot of pressure for me to foot the bill for everything all the time and I am growing exhausted and maybe even a little resentful. I need more help from work, I need more help at home. I am on a fast track to crash and burn. I dont understand why I alsways get myself into situations where I am doing everything and have no time to relax and enjoy everything. This aspect of my life is one I am not happy about. I just don't know how to turn it around. I wish someone would just help me without me having to be the "bitch" all the time. Not that I am called a bitch, but I know that is what it seems like. Also, I have been told that I am "freaking out" enough lately that it makes me want to keep my mouth shut. I am so friggin tired and frustrated!

Changes

I am really not so good with change. I am not sure why this is. I would like to be a go with the flow kind of person, but I am not. Especially these shifts within myself. Lately I have been looking at the world through a new lens. It is a little disturbing. I am so conflicted I cna't seem to straighten myself out. Anxiety is rampant at this point. It is making me so tired. I want to be calm and happy- where did it go? What has changed? God it is really making me so very tired.

Goals

Well now I have suprised even myself. At this point in my journey, I expected to have lost 3-5 lbs. I have lost 10.8. I have lost 5% of my body weight. I am shocked and so very pleased. I have worked hard, but it has been fun rather than unbearable. I have had a really busy day and would really like to go lay down on the couch and go to sleep right now....fortunately Patti is waiting for me at the gym for some belly dance so I will get my exercise in today then I am coming home to CRASH OUT!

The song of my life....

Gotta give some background on this one. The first time I heard this song, it was the Smashing Pumpkins version. It immediately resonated with me and made me think of my poppy. This was BEFORE I discovered the wonders of Fleetwood Mac. When I heard Stevie Nicks belt it out and discovered she had written it for HER daddy- well, wow that is pretty amazing. Those who know me well would not likely be surprised that I can find a connection between myself and Stevie Nicks. This song meant so much to me. When my dad got sick and later succumbed to his illness (Brain cancer) the song became all that more important. I wouldn't call it my favorite song....who can name a favorite song!?! But it truly is a song of my life.

I miss my daddy. That is a key to this whole "Getting Happy" quest. I have to deal with his death. I have to say goodbye to him and cherish the lessons and memories he left with me. Ten years later, I am still in denial. I just miss him and every day I don't know how I will survive the challenges I face. However, I do. I do because I have a lot of people who love and support me. I do because my parents gave me skills to cope. The lessons of my childhood and my own determination make me who I am today.

Please take a moment to listen to these lyrics or google the song. This is how I feel about my dad. I don't know that it will translate out loud the way it does in my head, but if you want to know why I am on this journey, this outta help. I am thankful I had him- what a lucky girl.

Lyrics to Landslide by Stevie Nicks


(This is for you, Daddy.)

I took my love and I took it down
I climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
'Til the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Mmm Mmm... I don't know... Mmm Mmm... Mmm Mmm...

Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too

So...

(Guitar solo)

I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I, I´ve built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too...
I'm getting older too...

So, take this love, take it down
Oh if you climb a mountain and you turn around
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring you down, down

And If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well maybe... The landslide will bring you down
Well well... the landslide will bring you down

Fear and Loathing

I have not written in awhile because I just don't know what to say. I have been filled with anxiety again lately- I guess I will never be rid of anxiety fully so I am just going to have to learn how to cope with it.
So what am I so worried about? Here they are but not in order of importance, just in an order.

Well, I am afraid this week I won't lose weight. The first few weeks are usually pretty easy and then things slow down a lot. I am ok with that as long as I lose about a pound per week. I would like to lose a minimum of 5 lbs each month. I have been doing fine, but I am freaking obesessed with it and that is starting to drive me crazy.

My home is driving me crazy- it is a wreck. I feel there is so much I need to "do" or "go through" or "clean". I feel the mess of my home as a constant pressure following me. I can't relax if it is not done and it is just to overwhelming to do it.

On Friday something happened in my relationship. I think for the most part it was somewhat of a misunderstanding. However, it was one of those things that make you see everything just a little differently. I am not quite sure how to deal with it. I mean we talked, made each other understand the other's point of view (sort of), made up and have moved on. However, it changed something a little. I am hoping that it will pass- this subtle change. I am not a fan of it. It makes me look at things from a different perspective, makes me anxious, and makes me hold myself in a little more. I don't want that for us. I want us to be open and be best friends like always. Changes scare the hell outta me.

I am anxious about work. There is so much paperwork to do I am struggling to keep up with the teaching. When the focus is on case managing and not teaching, I start to lose motivation. I am tired and it is hard to be creative and interesting when your brain is so tired from IEP's and communicating with parents and teachers. The kids are really struggling with motivation right now too and I wish I could be a positive model for being motivated- but I am on the verge of burnt out, so it is rough.

I am so ready for summer. I was thinking that this morning- to my dismay it is January, but it is the end of January with lots of exciting things going on, so it should be summer in no time. By the time school gets out I should have lost 25-30 lbs- so that will be very nice for summer.

Sigh, sometimes I wish my thoughts had a dial so I could decrease the anxiety and turn up the carefree Heather that I have seen a few times. I am so tired of worrying about everything.