He is leaving....

This is a phrase that resides behind a great many issues in my life. Right now I am talking about my nephew Phree, he moves to Hawaii on Monday and I am going to miss him. It is not the end of the world, he and his family have great opportunity before them, I will just miss him, that is all.

I have said this phrase many times in my life and with great impact, and truly sometimes it had very little impact at all.

I said it when my dad got sick. I actually had a conversation with him begging him not to leave. As if he had any choice. How painful I must have made that for him, but I was hanging on so tight. This had the greatest impact to date.

I always seem to be hanging on to everything tight enough to kill it.

I said it about an ex boyfriend. The main emotion behind that one was relief. I never thought I would escape him. In the end, the truth is I left. Whatever, the purpose was served and his finally leaving or my finally leaving salvaged my life. This was the most freeing experience of my life.

I have left, others have left. I will continue to leave and others will do the same. It is not just relationships or family members either. It is everyone.

Everyone and everything we know and love is transitory. We are transitory. Phree once said to me- the only constant in life is change.

On one hand I hate this- change and leaving. On the other hand I have much gratitude for it- thank God we can shed the dregs and inequities of our lives sometimes.

I wish you wouldn't leave- I wish you luck on your journeys. I gotta do what I gotta do, that in itself is a form of leaving.

I love you.

Soldier....

Warning: Do not read this if you have clicked here to read some blithe commentary on my life and the inner workings of my mind. This is one of my pithy, self-absorbed entries....

I am annoyed with myself and the state of my life at the moment, what better way to deal than spouting my personal issues on the Internet? Well, I can think of many more productive things to do, but I can also think of worse things.

So I had a deep discussion with someone today- to protect my own privacy and sense of pride I won't say who, but I will say she is correct, but that doesn't make this any easier to swallow.

I have to change my modus operandi on life. I am in the boat I am currently in because of decisions I have made in my life. I am not super pleased that I now have to change how I operate because the old way is broken. I like the old way! I know how to do it! Yes, it has really bad long term return but the short term makes me happy. This new "plan", if you will, sucks!

I now have to behave in a way that is uncomfortable for me because I need some long term returns- if I ever hope to get the life I want.

Now, I know the "old" way is stupid and pathetic, but I am an instant gratification junkie and now I am staring down the barrel of an unknown, uncomfortable, frustrating experience. Yes, it will ultimately reap great reward (maybe, it seems the more I interfere the more likely I am to get into trouble), but getting there looks so unappealing.

I must soldier on. I have to do this. I have to make this happen for myself. Intellectually I am aware, emotionally I just would like to go to bed or throw up my hands and give up.

I really don't need this right now, but it is really the only thing I need.

Home Sweet Home

I loved this trip! It was near-perfect- some sun and heat would have been cool, but other than that it was great.

I learned a few things on this trip- one, I kick like a girl- no real surprise there and according to Nicolas, Yellow is my lucky number (!?!?). Also, my brothers can be cruel (Alan, this is mini- golf not croquet you jerk!) and most certainly unusual, but camping with my family is nothing like punishment.

We enjoyed my little anxiety attacks as a group, like when Kaya crossed over the barrier at Dry Falls (several hundred foot drop) or when we hiked up a cliff to enter the Lanore Caves- leave it to me to get left behind while picking flowers, some things just never change.

Nic and I had some solid bonding time- I paddled him all over the lake for an hour- when asked if he would rather ride the aqua cycle with his dad, he said "No, you!" Awww little man loves me.

I had the distinct pleasure of enjoying a rite if passage when I introduced Nicolas to Battleship. I am completely star struck by this little man especially when he looks up at me and says "Your eyes look like Aquamarine".Save that one dude, it just might work if you can maintain that youthful sincerity.

When I was chastising Alan for being a mini golf bully (the word despicable echoing across the near silent campground) Nicolas runs up to me and, with panic in his eyes, implores "You still love me though, right?" Of course I love you little darling. I may never have the opportunity to be a mom, but I am already one hell of an auntie.

I spent some good time with Michele, walking and playing games, but nothing beats her squeal when she gets a hole in 2 on the course, you are a quiet, spunky little thing Michele. You are such a great mom to both Nicolas and Alan....

And Alan...where do I begin- go ahead and blame me for any repercussions of this blog, as you stated "cause girls ruin everything", I have to call you out on your nonsense because it is the thing I love most about you. Alan says to me "Everyone gets so hung up on phonetics!" Phonetics? Really, Al? Letters and the sounds they make? THIS is what everyone is so hung up on?? God, I love you, you ridiculous man.

We will be planning a family intervention soon. Mike, I have never seen someone so wound up on "Connectivity" and "Bars" in all my life. Take a vacation why don't you??? I love you but bro, I am seeing some of me in you and we all know how scary that is.

I am so glad we took that trip. Before we left, I could see myself getting caught up and worked up. Now that I am back, I am so relaxed. It was the perfect combination of fun with my family and relaxing in nature. We all know that I love natural beauty so much you will often find me at a beach or mountain drooling on myself, and Sun Lakes was no different. I feel peaceful and fulfilled.

Finally, I know daddy would be pleased. When we were kids, he took us to this spot- which is why we chose it for the site of this year's and our future family vacations. I could feel his approval and just wish our 4th was there- maybe she will join us next year.

I love you guys. Thanks so much for everything. I am glad you are my family.

TMI

I am the queen of TMI, take my blog as Exhibit A.

It is rare that I play my cards close to my chest- when I do, I have been told that I am very transparent.

I just don't think before I speak. Every person places an interpretation on things done or said. Our interpretations are rarely accurate. It is unfortunate. I have ZERO idea how people view me, when I try to assess it, I get supremely self-conscious, and anxious.

Lately, I have been trying to not worry about stuff, I'm 2 for 5 at this point,but I have gotten much better about living for today. Faced with some big mysteries and some confusing/frustrating/overwhelming situations, I have been holding my own. I am not freaking out or obsessively worrying, or beating myself up....ok, I do those things sometimes, but not as intensely.

I am not doing anything earth shattering. I just don't have massive waves up upheaval (think 2005-08). I just have a nice, calm, peaceful little life.

I am grateful. I will continue to be flawed, practice unsafe TMI, live with and without integrity, and continue to battle anxiety. But for tonight my hat is off to myself.

I am in a really good place, I have great people in my life, I'm thankful for the days I have.

In the mood....

Actually, I am not in the mood for much of anything today. At the same time I am in the mood for some adventure. I am torn and I am tired.

I want something new in my life. I can't put my finger on what it is, just something different, something new, something exciting.

I love what I do for a living, but frankly I am bored with it. The idea of writing a syllabus, ordering copies, planning lessons, and creating and analyzing assessments makes me want to go to bed and pull the covers over my head until June. I am just so bored and unmotivated towards work. I wish I could come up with something different to do with my days and keep my mind working.

I like the intellectual stimulation of my job, but it just scratches the surface- there is so much more potential in me to use my mind and I am struggling to find an outlet for that.

All of this leaves me feeling lazy, lethargic, and under stimulated.

My personal life is pretty good. I have lots of good friends that like to do different things with me. As I sit here today trying to decide how to spend this Saturday, I am drawing a blank. I have lots of things to choose from, but nothing really appeals at the moment. I feel like I want some adventure and companionship, but I don't know in what form. Everything I think of is entertaining and accessible, but I am left with an overwhelming feeling of blah.

Maybe what I am in need of is a major change. Maybe relocation? I just am unsure what direction to even look in.

I hate restlessness. I wish I could be content to stay here all day and read, get ready for my trip, do some work for school, but I am not. I keep reading this book and in each paragraph find my mind wandering. It is not wandering in any particular direction, maybe if it was, I would have some idea of how I really want to spend my day. I keep thinking of all the stuff I outta be doing for school, but I can't even imagine actually sitting down and getting started. I feel so distracted.

I think this little vacation with my bros will help re-energize me, I certainly hope so.

I don't want to sit around trying to figure out what I want, I just want to do. There is a saying "Everything gets worse before it gets better" - maybe this is my lull before something really great and exciting happens- lets hope so, boredom does not suit me.

Control

What in life do we really have any control over?

I know this is not just a mystery to me. I don't believe that life is esoteric- I actually believe EVERYONE is out of the loop. Every day we choose labels. Why does everything have to have a label? For me all it does is serve to confuse me further and up the ante on my feelings of inadequacy.

I will admit this- I am out of control. I have never had a single day in my life in which I have been in control. All the times I have been in control really could use a new label "lying". Life just isn't like that. When we try to put controls on everything what we are actually doing is putting ourselves on lock down. It doesn't work. We can lie to ourselves and make up rules, but it is all in vain.

On a nearly daily basis, I wish I could remove my heart from my chest, lock it in a box and hang a little sign from it that says "In case of emergency break glass". What good would that serve? Yes, maybe (just maybe) that would save me on tears and keep me out of great pits of depression. It would also save me from great joy and being the person that people love. There is no reward in this kind of thinking.

I'm going to get hurt- I know this for an absolute fact because the only way to avoid being hurt is to die and I just don't think it is my time. So be it. I'd rather live for today then protect myself from being hurt tomorrow. Again, I have no real control over what my heart decides and the paths my mind wanders and I am simply exhausted from the effort.

I can continue to lie- er I mean, be in control, but that is all projection- it is in no way real. I already am what I am, I already feel what I feel, I'm going to always do whatever I want to do because I am simply human. Yes, this has not served me too well in my 34 years, but you know what? There is no evidence that being any other way would do anything but exhaust me. Would fighting against everything I desire have made for a better today? My guess is that the answer is just the opposite.

I'm going to go with it. I will be sure to always have a box of tissues, a prescription for anxiety tabs, and a pint of ice cream. I can't stop it and I am done fighting it. My happiness is in today if tomorrow sucks, another today is just around the corner.

Confessions

I have a lot of confessions to make. I am not going to do it here. The confessions I need to make are really not to other people. They are more to myself.

Overall, I am quite happy with life, but I will admit that today my stomach is a den of stress. I hate how acutely we feel stress in our bodies. It is enough to host a turmoil party in my mind but when my stomach, neck, back and head get into the act it is nearly unbearable. I literally feel wound and feel if I let my guard down, I will go spinning. The majority of this lies in the fact that summer vacation is almost over and frankly, I am really not ready to go back to work. I was hoping to have myself way more settled before getting back to work. Today I am feeling miles away from settled. I know this will pass. I know going into work today will help after I have assessed the situation. After a little Top and Saracha I am going in (God, I need to get paid).

I also have some crazy emotions all stirred up in me- things that don't belong together, things I can't sort into neat little boxes and get a grasp on. Just feelings that are jockeying for position in my heart and mind. Confusion and questions with answers I don't know, maybe answers I don't want.

I guess these are really good things; fear, hope, stress, joy, and anticipation- signs that I am alive and free. Freedom exhilarates and overwhelms me. I am handling it well at the moment, but out of habit I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I was about to say "here is where I am stuck", the truth is, here is where I AM:

" Knowledge of self- you can't seek it, it happens through meditation, sitting quiet and alone and in contemplation" - The RZA in The Tao of WU